Do You Want Me To Stop This Car??

Solveig says:
we need to do a blog entry I think
Solveig says:
it has been too long
Hjordis says:
can i finish my drawing?
Solveig says:
I guess
Solveig says:
but hurry up, our blog needs us
Solveig says:
our blog is wasting away
Hjordis says:
GODAMMIT I AM SICK OF THIS PRESSURE
Solveig says:
our blog is disappearing in the photograph next to Michael J. Fox
Solveig says:
we need to go back in time and save our blog
Hjordis says:
I JUST TOLD YOU I WAS FINISHING MY DRAWING!!
Hjordis says:
CAN YOU LEAVE ME ALONE FOR 3 FUCKING SECONDS?
Solveig says:
ok
Solveig says:
finish up soon though
Hjordis says:
omg you are like a drill bit boring into my BRAIN
Hjordis says:
SHUT UP!
Solveig says:
what?
Solveig says:
I'm trying to save our blog
Solveig says:
our blog is like Mozart at the end of Amadeus
Solveig says:
the genius is still there, but he is fading and feeding the music to Salieri
Solveig says:
Don't let Salieri steal our blog!!
Hjordis says:
you are completely retarded today
Hjordis says:
do you eat a bowl of Kellogg's Paint Flakes for breakfast?
Solveig says:
I have never been more lucid
Hjordis says:
i beg to differ
Solveig says:
don't beg, it doesn't become you
Hjordis says:
i am really sick of you today
Hjordis says:
you need to be reminded that you are not the clever one
Solveig says:
well, then, be clever!
Solveig says:
save our blog
Solveig says:
S.O.B.
Hjordis says:
FOR GOD'S SAKE I AM WORKING!!!!
Solveig says:
not working to save our blog
Solveig says:
Blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog
Solveig says:
blogity, blogity, blog
Solveig says:
blog rhymes with frog and dog and hog and jog
Solveig says:
blogity, blogity, blogity, blog

Birthday re-cap

Dunnoo says:
it is almost 5 oclock on your birthday, how do you feel?
Dunnoo says:
do you have a 5 oclock birthday shadow?
Oko says:
i feel spinny
Oko says:
like i've been spinning around
Oko says:
and if i stop
Oko says:
i will fall down
Oko says:
on my rump, with a thump
Oko says:
like a toddler
Dunnoo says:
and you won't cry until someone makes a fuss over you
Oko says:
i'm not gonna cry unless someone saw it
Oko says:
and if someone saw it, i'll bust out the squinky eyed red faced yellys, with side long glances to gauge the effect of my yellys
Oko says:
if i do not get picked up and kissed on my boo boo, i will yell harder
Dunnoo says:
and then spit up on yourself
Oko says:
yup
Oko says:
that accurately sums up my day

Un-unforgettable

Oko says:
hey
Oko says:
we haven't done a blog entry in a while
Oko says:
let's be funny for a little while
Oko says:
and slap something up there
Oko says:
so that our fans don't lose interest and start liking someone else not as talented as us
Dunnoo says:
ok
Dunnoo says:
you go first
Oko says:
ok
Oko says:
ummmm
Oko says:
it's my birthday?
Oko says:
was that funny?
Dunnoo says:
oh yeah!
Dunnoo says:
we have to blog about that
Dunnoo says:
not funny, but important
Oko says:
wanna know what I got so far?
Dunnoo says:
a boner?
Dunnoo says:
a boob touch?
Oko says:
this is a family blog, Dunnoo
Oko says:
keep it clean
Dunnoo says:
what was your list again?
Dunnoo says:
vespa, power of invisibility?...
Oko says:
i want to tell you what I got so far
Dunnoo says:
what else?
Oko says:
LISTEN TO ME!
Oko says:
these are the presents people have given me
Dunnoo says:
sorry
Oko says:
1) from my boss - a sandwich baggie full of air
Oko says:
he didn't really say happy birthday when he gave it to me
Oko says:
in fact, i think he was trying not to show how much he cared by just leaving it on the break room table after lunch
Oko says:
but i know it was meant for me
Oko says:
2) from my secretary - the cardboard backing from a legal pad
Oko says:
again, she was trying to be sneaky-sweet by just leaving it on my desk after a meeting
Dunnoo says:
wait...
Dunnoo says:
you have a secretary???
Oko says:
yeah
Dunnoo says:
for your very own??
Oko says:
yeah
Oko says:
i am Very Important
Dunnoo says:
holy crap
Oko says:
you knew i was Very Important
Dunnoo says:
I don't have one
Dunnoo says:
why don't I have a secretary???
Dunnoo says:
what the hell is wrong with me??
Oko says:
that is because you are Very Retarded
Dunnoo says:
oh
Dunnoo says:
well
Dunnoo says:
I think that means I need one more than you do
Oko says:
let's wrap this up
Oko says:
i don't feel like spending my b-day editing this damn thing
Oko says:
tell me my name
Oko says:
TELL ME MY NAME!!
Dunnoo says:
I'm thinking
Oko says:
no you aren't
Dunnoo says:
oko, fine
Dunnoo says:
oko?
Dunnoo says:
that is your name
Oko says:
i'm "oko"
Dunnoo says:
Oko
Oko says:
and who are you?
Dunnoo says:
Dunoo
Dunnoo says:
oops
Dunnoo says:
Dunnoo
Oko says:
ok
Oko says:
stopy typing
Oko says:
i am c&ping
Oko says:
what's the title to this entry?
Dunnoo says:
I dunno, it was kinda forgettable
Oko says:
no
Oko says:
make up a title to this blog entry, dumbass
Dunnoo says:
Un-unforgettable
Dunnoo says:
don't call me dumb, I knew what you meant! I was just saying the IM was forgettable so I couldn't come up with a title, and maybe THAT makes me dumb but the first thing doesn't make me dumb!
Oko says:
YOU THINK THIS IM IS FORGETTABLE??? YOU BITCH!!
Oko says:
IT'S ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Oko says:
I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW
Dunnoo says:
no you do not
Dunnoo says:
you love me
Dunnoo says:
and can't wait to see me
Oko says:
i am going to kick you in the box when I see you
Dunnoo says:
lol
Dunnoo says:
I hope so
Dunnoo says:
your birthday is not forgettable, but the IM was a little
Oko says:
I AM SITTING HERE EDITING IT AND MAKING IT FUNNY AND DOING ALL THE WORK YOU THANKLESS LITTLE CUNT
Dunnoo says:
ahahahahahahaha
Dunnoo says:
no one has ever called me a thankless little cunt before
Dunnoo says:
which may be hard to believe, but it's true
Oko says:
this is definitely blog worthy
Dunnoo says:
HAPPY BIIIIRTHDAY DEAR>>>>OKOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dunnoo says:
HAAAAPYYYY BIRTHDAY TOOOOOOOOOO
Dunnoo says:
YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Dunnoo says:
(and many moooooore)
Dunnoo says:
make a wish
Oko says:
i wish you get a nice kick to the box
Oko says:
i hate you. just cause a blog entry isn't ALL ABOUT YOU, you think it's boring
Oko says:
all our non-fame has gone to your head
Dunnoo says:
I have always been this self-absorbed, even before I was nonfamous
Oko says:
this is going on the blog
Oko says:
i want the world to see what I have to put up with
Oko says:
i think they'll forgive me busting out the c word
Dunnoo says:
they will ultimately yes
Dunnoo says:
but it will take years
Dunnoo says:
and by that time you will be nothing
Dunnoo says:
a hasn't-been!
Oko says:
my my my
Oko says:
on my BIRTHDAY no less
Oko says:
you obscurity whore!
Oko says:
this blog is DONE
Oko says:
(it's not really, but I wanna see if there's a public outcry like when Simon and Garfunkel broke up)
Oko says:
(we can always do a big Blog Entry in Central Park five years after we break up to tease our fans
Dunnoo says:
)
Dunnoo says:
see?
Dunnoo says:
I helped you there!
Dunnoo says:
we are a team!
Dunnoo says:
I closed your parenthesis!!
Dunnoo says:
who else would do that for you, huh?
Oko says:
i'll edit that out
Oko says:
i don't really need you
Dunnoo says:
nice
Oko says:
cause I bet you don't even remember the password
Dunnoo says:
how dare you!
Dunnoo says:
I...
Dunnoo says:
um....
Dunnoo says:
what is it again?
Oko says:
i'm not telling you
Dunnoo says:
I always said you were the brains
Oko says:
i am retaining exclusive rights to the blog and after you marry some crazy asian chick i will sell them to Michael Jackson
Oko says:
and
Oko says:
because I begrudgingly like you
Oko says:
i will give you one word of advice
Oko says:
don't live at the Dakota
Dunnoo says:
uh oh...
Oko says:
that was crass
Oko says:
i'll edit that out so that i look good
Dunnoo says:
you are the fake, not me!
Oko says:
i'll edit your last comment out too

Tough Love

Will the voicemail abuse EVER stop?

What follows is a discussion about a voicemail that the Chick With The White Text left on the Chick With The Red Text's cell phone the night of The Chick With the Red Text's birthday.

Solveig says:
the first line of your VM is "Hey Solveig, you goddamn Snatch, answer your fucking phone - BITCH!"
Solveig says:
LOLOLOLOL
Hjordis says:
lolololol
Hjordis says:
omg
Hjordis says:
i was on FI-YUH!
Solveig says:
lemme grab the rest...gimme a minute or 6
Solveig says:
ok, here it is...
Hjordis says:
lololol
Solveig says:
"Hey Solveig you goddamn snatch, answer your fucking phone - BITCH!...GOD, I hate it when you are a fucking snatch like this! You're DRINKIN' and doin' your birthday shit and you're not answering your phone YOU GODDAMN FUCKING CUNT...ANSWER IT!...........oh and by the way, would you please transcribe this for the blog...BYE!"
Solveig says:
LOLOL
Solveig says:
so good
Hjordis says:
ahahahahahahahahaaha!!!!!!!!!!!!
Solveig says:
fuck, I love that
Hjordis says:
i love it!!!!!!!!!!!
Hjordis says:
i will put this up right now
Solveig says:
post it
Solveig says:
call it "Tough Love"
Hjordis says:
what is your name?
Solveig says:
hmmm
Solveig says:
let's see
Solveig says:
something pretty
Solveig says:
to counter your harsh words
Solveig says:
something like "Sunflower" or "Butterfly"
Hjordis says:
no
Hjordis says:
i don't like that
Hjordis says:
let's keep our voicemail names
Hjordis says:
solveig
Hjordis says:
you'll be solveig
Solveig says:
ok
Hjordis says:
cause that's what you were before in the voicemails
Hjordis says:
i don't wanna confuse our audience
Solveig says:
yeah, our audience ain't that bright

Other Voicemail fun:

All By Myself

Another Drunken Voicemail

Alldayapalooza

(Note - we sort of meandered today. Try to keep up.)

Bambi says:
where did you go?
Bambi says:
i was worried!
Bambi says:
i was gonna tell you about the moose!
Bambi says:
http://www.aftenposten.no/english/local/article1136389.ece
Thumper says:
oh
Thumper says:
ok, I have 700 things to do, but you can tell me
Bambi says:
go look at that moose story
Bambi says:
and make a mental note
Bambi says:
"don't mess with mooses"
Bambi says:
meeses?
Bambi says:
Moosiaie?
Thumper says:
what the hell is up with the mooses?
Bambi says:
they seem to have anger issues
Thumper says:
and drinking problems
Bambi says:
yah
Bambi says:
know what I think it is?
Thumper says:
what?
Bambi says:
i think it is a ploy by the Norwegian govt
Bambi says:
they publish these marauding mooses stories to scare the undesirable people away from visiting Norway
Bambi says:
can you just imagine yourself being an undesirable, thinking you might want to visit norway, then opening up a paper and reading a story like that?
Bambi says:
i'd cancel my trip
Thumper says:
yah
Bambi says:
the norskies are smart
Thumper says:
do you think it works, or do you think it keeps ALL people from visiting Norway?
Bambi says:
just the undesirables
Bambi says:
cause the people they WANT to visit are brave and have good characters and aren't afraid of mooses
Thumper says:
I'm kind of afraid of mooses, I think
Thumper says:
but I guess I am not surprised
Thumper says:
I am kind of undesirable

(time goes by)

Bambi says:
did you die?
Thumper says:
yes
Thumper says:
I am dead
Thumper says:
sorry, the swank interrupted
Thumper says:
she needed me to make love to her...er, I mean help her with something
Thumper says:
so...
Bambi says:
lolol
Thumper says:
what were we saying?
Thumper says:
isn't 'make love to" the worst expression ever?
Thumper says:
so gay
Bambi says:
yes
Bambi says:
it sounds so polyester
Thumper says:
lol
Bambi says:
let's figure out better ways to say "make love to"
Bambi says:
in nonpolyesterish ways
Bambi says:
(crickets chirp)
Bambi says:
i'm out. I got nuthin'
Thumper says:
I like "do it"
Thumper says:
it's so 70's
Bambi says:
i get by with "bangin'"
Thumper says:
bang is good
Bambi says:
"do it" is lame
Bambi says:
so is "bang"
Thumper says:
I like it
Thumper says:
they both make me laugh
Bambi says:
yeh, well you're a moron
Thumper says:
I used to say "ew they are doing sex" when our neighbors would bang really loudly next door.
Bambi says:
lolol
Bambi says:
i think it's up to you and i to introduce a new euphemism into the lexicon
Bambi says:
i said lexicon
Thumper says:
lexicon makes you sound smart
Thumper says:
what other words make you sound smart?
Thumper says:
juggernaut?
Bambi says:
no
Bambi says:
everyone knows that one
Bambi says:
paradigm is a good one
Thumper says:
ok
Thumper says:
what else?
Bambi says:
we would be changing sexual euphemistic paradigms if we came up with another way to say "making love"
Thumper says:
you're smart
Bambi says:
ok - now listen up - i have some suggestions
Thumper says:
ok
Bambi says:
i need you to rate them on a scale of 1 to 10
Bambi says:
shucking the sweet corn?
Thumper says:
6
Bambi says:
licking the mixer blade?
Thumper says:
7
Thumper says:
welcoming the foreign ambassador
Bambi says:
that's definitely a 9
Bambi says:
pressing the attache
Thumper says:
nice
Bambi says:
imagine that last e with an accent aigu over it
Thumper says:
yeah
Thumper says:
that bumps it to an 8
Bambi says:
i think we've had 15 blog entries with this IM alone
Thumper says:
you think so?
Thumper says:
were we funny?
Bambi says:
yeah
Bambi says:
a bunch of times
Bambi says:
you mean we weren't?
Thumper says:
I dunno
Thumper says:
the blog is a happy place
Thumper says:
it needs to contain only happiness
Bambi says:
and we're talking about sex!
Bambi says:
what could be happier than that??
Thumper says:
I have to go press Swank's attache, if you know what I mean
Bambi says:
fine
Bambi says:
go
Bambi says:
i'll make a blog entry
Bambi says:
while you do things
Bambi says:
wait
Bambi says:
who are we today?
Bambi says:
we need names
Thumper says:
we should have porn names
Thumper says:
Deep Throat
Bambi says:
i don't want a porn name
Bambi says:
i wanna be Bambi
Bambi says:
you be Thumper
Thumper says:
same difference
Bambi says:
true

Dreary

Today, Blah Blah Blahg is a little down. We are a little cranky. It has been 8 straight days of rain here. There are mushrooms growing in our shoes. So we don't feel funny. We kinda tried, tho....

Solveig says:
I love our blog
Solveig says:
our blog misses us
Hjordis says:
i know
Hjordis says:
but there is one thing i know about our blog
Solveig says:
what?
Hjordis says:
it will always wait for us, and is infinitely patient
Solveig says:
yeah, our blog is a saint
Hjordis says:
our blog leaves the porch light on for us
Hjordis says:
our blog always gives us the last meatball
Solveig says:
our blog sleeps in the wet spot
Solveig says:
ohhh
Solveig says:
the office peeps are giving me cake
Solveig says:
save this
Hjordis says:
yay1
Solveig says:
I'll be back to talk about our blog
Hjordis says:
ok
Solveig says:
and then you can edit this part out
Hjordis says:
ok
Solveig says:
and it will be really funny
Hjordis says:
yeah - we were warming up to something good
Solveig says:
be back soon after cake
Hjordis says:
ok
Hjordis says:
yay you1
Solveig says:
yeah
Solveig says:
I think your shift key is broken
Solveig says:
ok bye

Our first REAL fan mail!!

We did it!! We got our first REAL fan mail!! From a stranger!! It was cool! We're IMing about it now.

We emailed the fan to ask if she would mind if we used her name and our discussion as a blog entry. We're waiting to hear back.

We have a soft spot for her. She is our first fan. She is way cool. Even if she says we can't use her name...

(oh, and this previous fan mail doesn't count, cause I know the dude who sent it, and it was all jokey anyway:)
An Open Letter to Number One Fan

The Day After

Shhhhh. She's sleeping. Blah Blah Blahg will be quiet today as Reddy recovers from birthday festivities.....

TODAY!!!

ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod it's TODAY!! Today is the DAY!! It's The Chick With the Red Text's birthday!! I'm so friggin' excited I feel like running around in a circle until I am dizzy and then I feel like lying down and watching the stars explode in front of my closed eyes cause all that running around in a circle made me wacky and then I feel like doing a birthday dance and then I feel like solemnly explaining to the world exactly how cool The Chick With The Red Text is and then I'll probably start spinning around in circles again and then I'll probably just explode!!!!

Reddy likes lists, so I made her a list:

REASONS WHY REDDY IS COOL:
1) she drinks OE malt liquor
2) she is really short and can fit in your pocket
3) she likes my friend Paul
4) she calls people "snatch". That makes me giggle
5) she plays a mean djembe
6) she is not afraid to carry around a monkey flashlight
7) she once stuffed a whole quesadilla into her mouth on a dare
8) I made that last one up, but she won't care
9) her mom is cool too
10)her brother sings good and writes good tunes
11)her dog doesn't trust me
12) she has a cat that stumbles around, is missing fur in patches and bleats like a sheep
13)
14) she cracks me up on a daily basis
15) she doesn't mind it when I call her a moron.

YAY!!!!

Warning

Pssst!!!!

It's The Chick With The Red Text's birthday tomorrow!!

She likes:
1) Angelina Jolie
2) beer
3) movies that have male characters that cry
4) picking scabs

Plan your birthday shopping accordingly.

A O Phlip Phlop on the Pharaoh

King Tut says:
when we are famous, do I have to start eating famous people food? And if so, does egg salad qualify? I really like egg salad.
King Tut says:
Also, I just dropped some egg salad on my pants. Is it ok for famous people to drop egg salad on their pants?
King Tut says:
I need to know
NeferTITTIES says:
egg salad was originally made ONLY for the pharoahs of egypt
NeferTITTIES says:
they use to torture, maim and kill non-pharoah-ish people who were caught eating egg salad
NeferTITTIES says:
it was a crime
King Tut says:
so what does that mean for me then?
King Tut says:
I don't think I am Pharoah-ish
NeferTITTIES says:
i think you are following your natural famousish instincts by eating egg salad
NeferTITTIES says:
i think you were a pharoah in another life
King Tut says:
so, Pharoah=famous in ancient Egypt?
NeferTITTIES says:
yes
King Tut says:
Pharoah is a crazy frickin word
NeferTITTIES says:
fay-rowe
NeferTITTIES says:
f-ahhhhh-row
King Tut says:
hey, we are spelling it wrong
NeferTITTIES says:
no we aren't
King Tut says:
check it out....
King Tut says:
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2&q=Pharaoh
King Tut says:
crazy
NeferTITTIES says:
that dictionary is wrong
King Tut says:
we did the A O flip flop
King Tut says:
phlip phlop on the Pharaoh
King Tut says:
I want to talk more about Pharaohs
NeferTITTIES says:
i don't want to talk about them
King Tut says:
cuz I'm pretty sure we spelled it wrong
NeferTITTIES says:
they are hard to spell and they built stupid buildings
King Tut says:
but
NeferTITTIES says:
no
King Tut says:
never mind
King Tut says:
no more Pharaohs
NeferTITTIES says:
we've exhausted the topic
King Tut says:
you hurt my pheelings
King Tut says:
am I taking this too phar?
NeferTITTIES says:
phuck you
King Tut says:
lol
King Tut says:
post that
NeferTITTIES says:
ok
King Tut says:
call it "the A O Phlip Phlop on the Pharaoh
NeferTITTIES says:
are you still solveig?
King Tut says:
I am King Tut
NeferTITTIES says:
ok
NeferTITTIES says:
who am i?
King Tut says:
um...
King Tut says:
that's kind of all I know about egypt
NeferTITTIES says:
dumbass
King Tut says:
sorry
NeferTITTIES says:
i will be NeferTITTIES
NeferTITTIES says:
cause of my stupendous rack
King Tut says:
oh, cool, I heard of Neffy
NeferTITTIES says:
k - shut up. I'm c&ping

Another Drunken Voicemail

....and here's another one from the same night from Solveig!!

"Schrublich. That would your name if you were German. Schrublich. It’s Solveig again. Why… are you …continuously DISSING me? I dunno what you think you’re up to, but it ain’t...right. That’s all I’m saying.

LOOK.

It’s Friday at like…10 o’clock and there is NO REASON for you not to be answering your phone, so I call SHENANIGANS. That’s all I’m saying. You must be either floating in Paul’s pool, like a snatch, or getting your boob touched. Both of which I am fond of and approve of, don’t get me wrong, BUT I think you can take pause and answer your GODDAM phone.

Because I NEED to talk to you. I need you to tell me first of all that I’m stupid, tell me I’m a moron, tell me I’m dumb, tell me I’m retarded. I NEED this from you PLUS you also tell me that I’m beautiful, which doesn’t really make sense with the others, but I enjoy them anyway.

SO.

If you can. If you wish. Call me back.

At least leave me a message saying something offensive or ridiculous, I’m a delirious fan of the absurd, so you can do that Whatever you want, whatever you need. Give it to me baby. Word to your mother. Peace out. Later."

Editor's note: I had turned my phone off that night. Cause I had gone out for dinner that night, and I hate it when people talk on their cell phones during dinner. No boob touching happened that night (or any friggin' night - cause I'm not the cute one like Solveig).

All By Myself

Solveig isn't here today. So I'm all by myself. I think I'll transcribe that drunken voicemail she left on my cell phone a few weeks ago.....

HERE IT IS!!

"SCROOBLAY. It’s Solveig. 'SCROOBLAY' would be your name if you were French. Scrooblay . If there were more than one of you, you would be 'LES SCROOBLAYS'.

Ummm……..HI!!! I wanted to call you because I’m…uh…walking home...from my evening out with my very good friend Matthew who is… AWESOME. Who I think you met at my party, but I don’t think you realize how awesome he is…because you didn’t really get to talk to him but he’s extra AWESOME.

Annnnnnnnnnnd…I’m thinking maybe the reason you didn’t answer your phone is because you are getting your boob touched. Which is AWESOME because I’m also boobtouching…I mean I’m a fan of boobtouching. BUT if it’s a boobtouching by (name changed to protect the innocent), I’m a little worried, because I don’t know that he’s free to touch your boob…yet. SO….if that is true, I am going to have to say DON’T. GO. THERE. GIRLFRIEND.

BUT

if he was single, if he is available, FREE TO BE YOU AND ME, then it’s OK. And I’m hoping you get a really special double boobtouch because those are awesome too.

OK.

Anyway.

I’m a little drunk, just for the record.

Annnnnd if you could, I would like you to transcribe this conversation, this…well…it’s not a conversation so much as it is a monologue…I would like you to transcribe it for a future blog entry. If you can. That would be great.

SO.

Call me if you want. I am walking home. I will probably be walking for several more minutes. Ummm….I could use the company. So…HOLLABACK GIRL. Peace in the middle east. Word to your mother. Amen."

Private Taunt Day

Please stay tuned....

Blah Blah Blahg is off taunting someone privately. And it's fun. Maybe we'll tell you about it later.

Action Plan With Tickable Things

Adrien Brody says:
guess how many fan letters we got today?
Gene Wilder says:
how many???
Gene Wilder says:
6?
Gene Wilder says:
10?
Gene Wilder says:
71?
Adrien Brody says:
we got
Adrien Brody says:
zero
Adrien Brody says:
no fan letters
Adrien Brody says:
but that doesn't mean we're not famous
Adrien Brody says:
it just means our fans are illiterate
Gene Wilder says:
which is ok with me
Adrien Brody says:
me too
Gene Wilder says:
I mean look at Nascar...that shit is huge with the illiterate crowd
Gene Wilder says:
Nascar is really famous
Gene Wilder says:
and dumb
Gene Wilder says:
so, we can be both too
Adrien Brody says:
i really don't want to be compared with nascar
Adrien Brody says:
what is the point of nascar
Gene Wilder says:
I don't really know
Adrien Brody says:
i could slap a Tide label on my forehead and run around in a circle for three hours and be more interesting than NASCAR any day
Gene Wilder says:
How is driving around with Tide logos all over your car macho?
Gene Wilder says:
I don't get it
Adrien Brody says:
why did you just pluck the "tide logo/label" thing out of my head?
Adrien Brody says:
why did you do that?
Gene Wilder says:
did we just have a psychic moment?
Gene Wilder says:
I think we did
Adrien Brody says:
i think we did
Gene Wilder says:
that was weird
Adrien Brody says:
quick
Adrien Brody says:
what am i thinking
Gene Wilder says:
snot
Gene Wilder says:
you are thinking of snot
Gene Wilder says:
and ....
Gene Wilder says:
cabbage, for some reason...
Gene Wilder says:
which is just weird
Adrien Brody says:
i think our psychic moment is over
Gene Wilder says:
bummer
Gene Wilder says:
it was good while it lasted
Adrien Brody says:
ok
Adrien Brody says:
i think we're going to need a plan
Gene Wilder says:
for what?
Adrien Brody says:
an action plan to get famous
Gene Wilder says:
ok
Gene Wilder says:
how many points will our plan have?
Gene Wilder says:
plans have to have points
Adrien Brody says:
an action plan with little boxes we can tick off as we complete the individual actions
Gene Wilder says:
oh, that's good
Adrien Brody says:
do you like tick off boxes?
Gene Wilder says:
I do
Adrien Brody says:
i think our action plan should have at least 5 tick off boxes
Adrien Brody says:
do you agree?
Gene Wilder says:
at least
Adrien Brody says:
hmmm
Adrien Brody says:
maybe it should be an even number of tick off boxes
Adrien Brody says:
cause if it's 5, i'll probably end up ticking off 3 of the boxes, and you'll do only one and the one that is left over will just go undone
Gene Wilder says:
which Something of Fame are we in now?
Gene Wilder says:
1 or are we pre-1?
Adrien Brody says:
i think it is unknowable what something of fame we are in - i don't thing that we, as the one who are in the process of being famous, can ever really have an accurate picture of whatever something of fame we are...uhhh... in
Adrien Brody says:
cause we're too IN it
Adrien Brody says:
get it?
Gene Wilder says:
we are going to be so famous!
Gene Wilder says:
I can feel it
Gene Wilder says:
Should we sell the movie rights early, or hold off for a bit?
Gene Wilder says:
so, can someone else determine what Something of Fame we are in for us?
Gene Wilder says:
cuz I would like to know
Gene Wilder says:
it will give me something to work toward
Adrien Brody says:
hold on
Adrien Brody says:
are you giving up on the action plan already?
Gene Wilder says:
no
Adrien Brody says:
we'll never be famous if you keep changing horses midstream
Gene Wilder says:
I need to know what Something of Fame we are in, in order to design and implement the action plan
Gene Wilder says:
see?
Adrien Brody says:
no
Adrien Brody says:
we agreed
Adrien Brody says:
we were going to have an action plan with 5 things we could tick off on it
Gene Wilder says:
yes, I know
Adrien Brody says:
we don't need to know anything other than the 5 things
Gene Wilder says:
but
Adrien Brody says:
don't argue with me
Gene Wilder says:
but
Adrien Brody says:
you're arguing
Adrien Brody says:
i told you not to argue
Gene Wilder says:
don't the 5 Tickable Things lead to the Somethings of Fame?
Adrien Brody says:
no
Adrien Brody says:
the somethings of fame are not important
Adrien Brody says:
they are just categories
Adrien Brody says:
fame is fame is fame is fame
Adrien Brody says:
and the action plan will help us get it
Gene Wilder says:
This is why I am just the cute one
Adrien Brody says:
yeah, cause you don't get it
Gene Wilder says:
right
Adrien Brody says:
let's think of some tick off things
Gene Wilder says:
ok
Adrien Brody says:
how about:
Adrien Brody says:
1) walk the dog?
Gene Wilder says:
ok, I don't get it
Adrien Brody says:
that's a pretty consistent thing we can do to get famous, and we're both really good at walking the dog
Gene Wilder says:
can we get famous walking the dog?
Adrien Brody says:
sure!
Gene Wilder says:
ok
Gene Wilder says:
cool
Adrien Brody says:
lana turner got famous by wearing a sweater or something like that
Gene Wilder says:
I can wear a sweater
Adrien Brody says:
ooo!
Adrien Brody says:
wear a sweater while walking the dog!
Adrien Brody says:
i am such a genius
Gene Wilder says:
perfect!
Gene Wilder says:
Fame, here we come!
Adrien Brody says:
woo hoo!
Gene Wilder says:
tick it off!
Adrien Brody says:
you haven't done it yet
Adrien Brody says:
it doesn't get ticked until you do it
Gene Wilder says:
I put on a sweater last night, cuz I was cold
Gene Wilder says:
does that count?
Adrien Brody says:
but did you walk the dog while you were wearing it?
Gene Wilder says:
I did!!
Adrien Brody says:
it still doesn’t count
Gene Wilder says:
I think we had a psychic moment last night too!
Adrien Brody says:
it doesn't count because it wasn't part of the action plan then. You have to do it again
Gene Wilder says:
I predicted your 5 Tickable Things!
Gene Wilder says:
it totally counts!
Adrien Brody says:
no
Adrien Brody says:
it doesn't count
Adrien Brody says:
don't argue
Gene Wilder says:
how come you are always right?
Adrien Brody says:
because i am never wrong?
Adrien Brody says:
whoa
Adrien Brody says:
peter jackson lost a lot of weight
Adrien Brody says:
the tubby lord of the rings dude
Gene Wilder says:
yeah?
Adrien Brody says:
he ain't bad lookin'
Gene Wilder says:
yeah, yeah
Gene Wilder says:
lemme see
Adrien Brody says:
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/thr/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1001221671
Adrien Brody says:
it's just a head shot
Gene Wilder says:
he isn't jewish though
Gene Wilder says:
he looks good
Adrien Brody says:
you don't know if he's jewish or not
Adrien Brody says:
he's new zealand-ish, i think
Gene Wilder says:
yeah, I think so
Adrien Brody says:
i found more pics
Adrien Brody says:
damn, he's dropped a ton
Gene Wilder says:
or at least Austrailanianian
Gene Wilder says:
like VB
Gene Wilder says:
cool
Gene Wilder says:
lemme see
Adrien Brody says:
VB isn't australianananainaisnasian
Adrien Brody says:
she is african
Gene Wilder says:
maybe that could be our next tickable thing...2) Make Peter Jackson lose tons of weight
Gene Wilder says:
right she's Malawanianaoranina
Adrien Brody says:
ok
Adrien Brody says:
here's peter jackson before
Adrien Brody says:
http://pub.tv2.no/multimedia/na/archive/00127/Peter_Jackson_127636a.jpg
Gene Wilder says:
he was fat
Adrien Brody says:
this is him now
Adrien Brody says:
http://media.teamxbox.com/games/ss/1038/1097622043.jpg
Adrien Brody says:
wow
Adrien Brody says:
he's gonna look like Gollum soon
Gene Wilder says:
holy crap
Gene Wilder says:
I might be Gollum for Halloween
Gene Wilder says:
what day of the week is your bday this year?
Adrien Brody says:
thursday
Adrien Brody says:
you are next wednesday
Gene Wilder says:
yes
Adrien Brody says:
does our action plan need to go on the blog?
Gene Wilder says:
oh yes
Gene Wilder says:
call it "Action Plan: 5 Tickable Things"
Adrien Brody says:
but we only have one tickable thing right now
Gene Wilder says:
the others will come
Gene Wilder says:
small steps
Adrien Brody says:
and quite frankly - i am too tired to think of more
Gene Wilder says:
yeah
Gene Wilder says:
the idea is good enough, we don't need content to back it up
Adrien Brody says:
well, it's mentally taxing thinking about that kind of stuff
Adrien Brody says:
it felt good to be distracted by peter jackson's skinniness
Adrien Brody says:
cause i was pretty sure smoke was gonna come out of my ears if i thought about the action plan any more
Gene Wilder says:
it is very impressive
Gene Wilder says:
yeah, you need to think of hot jews
Gene Wilder says:
we need to make a list of the top 5766 hot jews
Gene Wilder says:
like on VH1
Adrien Brody says:
is adrien brody jewish?
Gene Wilder says:
he is jew-esque
Gene Wilder says:
so, yeah, he counts
Adrien Brody says:
the first 5765 entries would be "adrien brody"
Adrien Brody says:
he is mega friggin oy-vey-is-mir HOTNICITY
Gene Wilder says:
who is 5766?
Adrien Brody says:
umm
Adrien Brody says:
gene wilder?
Adrien Brody says:
he kinda turns me on
Gene Wilder says:
I love him
Gene Wilder says:
love
Adrien Brody says:
ok
Adrien Brody says:
we are agreed then
Adrien Brody says:
adrien and gene
Gene Wilder says:
that was so much easier than the action plan
Adrien Brody says:
well, i don't know about you, but i wasn't thinking about that last one with my brain
Adrien Brody says:
i was using other body parts

The Three Somethings of Fame

Hacky says:
I've been thinking
Snotty says:
that's dangerous
Snotty says:
stop that
Hacky says:
how many people have to know about us before we are famous?
Hacky says:
I mean, I know it's more than 7
Hacky says:
but how many?
Hacky says:
is there a standard?
Snotty says:
at least 9
Hacky says:
really?
Hacky says:
that seems low, but ok
Snotty says:
but no more than a billion
Hacky says:
there is a cap?
Snotty says:
yes
Hacky says:
I think we should come up with a chart
Hacky says:
the levels of fame
Snotty says:
if over a billion people know about us, we are no longer famous, we are GOD
Hacky says:
or Oprah
Hacky says:
and nobody wants to be Oprah
Hacky says:
like "the 7 levels of fame"
Hacky says:
or something
Hacky says:
I don't know if there are really 7
Hacky says:
but there could be, since we will be making it up
Snotty says:
that's been done
Snotty says:
with hell
Hacky says:
really?
Hacky says:
right
Snotty says:
i want to be original
Hacky says:
hell, but this is fame
Hacky says:
how bout 9 then?
Snotty says:
9 is too much to keep track of
Snotty says:
let's do "the 7 tubs of cool-whip fame"
Hacky says:
ok
Hacky says:
yeah
Hacky says:
9 is a lot
Snotty says:
3 would be better
Hacky says:
that would be easy
Snotty says:
more lean, more angry, more rat-a-tat-tat
Snotty says:
BAM BAM BAM! FAME!
Snotty says:
ok
Snotty says:
i think we're agreed
Hacky says:
ok
Snotty says:
there are 3 somethings of fame
Snotty says:
right?
Hacky says:
uhh, ok
Snotty says:
and these somethings progess at an orderly and predictable pace
Hacky says:
see, this is why you think you do all the work
Hacky says:
you bully me into taking your ideas
Snotty says:
don't start with me
Snotty says:
you KNOW i am more creative than you
Hacky says:
see
Hacky says:
you're doing it now
Snotty says:
you feel immense relief when I come up with the funny and creative stuff, cause it takes the pressure off you
Hacky says:
you yell and then I have no choice but to go along with whatever you say
Snotty says:
your job is to look cute and be fun to be with
Hacky says:
ok, but that is so limiting
Snotty says:
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I STARTED LOOKING CUTE???
Snotty says:
you wouldn't be happy
Snotty says:
answer my question
Hacky says:
I don't want to argue
Snotty says:
YOU STARTED IT!!
Hacky says:
on this first day of 5766
Hacky says:
I can't believe it is 5766 already
Hacky says:
where does the time go?
Snotty says:
it goes into the 3rd something of fame
Snotty says:
whatever that is
Snotty says:
so - what did you do to lay further groundwork for our famousnicity yesterday while i was setting fires with my snot?
Hacky says:
how is your snot?
Snotty says:
i require a flame retardant asbestos suit every time i blow my nose
Hacky says:
some of this might be a good entry
Hacky says:
the stuff about fame
Hacky says:
maybe we can have a link to the 3 somethings of fame
Snotty says:
yeah
Hacky says:
but it won't go anywhere
Snotty says:
ok
Hacky says:
cool
Snotty says:
are we done being funny yet, tho?
Hacky says:
I need to go get a bagel and do some shit
Hacky says:
you should be Snotty and I can be Hacky today
Snotty says:
ok
Hacky says:
I think I coughed up my spleen
Snotty says:
lol

Movie Review: Aguirre, Wrath of God

Ebert says:
i saw a movie this weekend
Ebert says:
called "aguirre: wrath of god"
Ebert says:
starring Klaus Kinski
Ebert says:
dude
Ebert says:
that guy was a TRAINWRECK
Ebert says:
he was chewing up every piece of scenery available
Ebert says:
the movie takes place in the amazon rainforest
Ebert says:
i personally think klaus kinski was responsible for the shrinking of the rainforest
Ebert says:
cause he ate it all
Ebert says:
you have to see this movie
Ebert says:
there are dudes in helmets
Ebert says:
and they are spanish
Ebert says:
but they talk german to each other
Ebert says:
and they stomp around the jungle a lot
Ebert says:
and klaus kinski stands like the earth is tilted slightly a lot
Siskel says:
lol
Ebert says:
they don't take baths a lot
Ebert says:
and they get shot with arrows by indians a lot
Siskel says:
I think I ride the subway with them
Ebert says:
lolol
Ebert says:
there was a boat in a tree
Ebert says:
you gotta see this movie
Ebert says:
i was wondering whether i had accidentally eaten some acid or something
Siskel says:
where did you see this crazy movie?
Ebert says:
i rented it from netflix
Ebert says:
go see it
Siskel says:
ok
Ebert says:
klaus kinski was nastassja kinski's dad
Ebert says:
she liked snakes
Ebert says:
and was in the BEST. MOVIE. EVER
Ebert says:
Cat People
Ebert says:
remember that?
Siskel says:
I love that movie
Siskel says:
Malcolm whatshishead was awesome in that
Ebert says:
mcdowell
Ebert says:
he was caligula too
Siskel says:
yeah
Siskel says:
so cool
Siskel says:
I was watching a history channel thing about Caligula the other day
Siskel says:
that dude was effed up
Ebert says:
yah
Ebert says:
i think maybe he was klaus kinski
Ebert says:
but in roman times or something
Siskel says:
yeah
Ebert says:
i am going to link you a picture
Ebert says:
it is a picture of klaus kinski
Ebert says:
tell me this dude is not effed up
Siskel says:
ok
Ebert says:
http://bilder.filmstarts.de/verzeichnis/film/filme/a/aquirre/Aguirre01.jpg
Ebert says:
he does that same thing with his face that you do
Ebert says:
the "i have cheekbones" thing
Siskel says:
lol
Siskel says:
right
Siskel says:
why do I do that?
Ebert says:
you do that BECAUSE YOU CAN
Ebert says:
this is him with a monkey (they had monkeys in the movie)
Ebert says:
http://www.harvardfilmarchive.org/calendars/02julaug/images/k-n/kinski.jpg
Siskel says:
THAT picture is awesome
Ebert says:
this is him after he ate the entire rainforest
Ebert says:
http://www.libertyfilmfestival.com/libertas/wp-content/aguirre0103.JPG
Siskel says:
oh yeah, he looks full
Ebert says:
ok
Ebert says:
enough about klaus
Ebert says:
just rent the movie
Ebert says:
and watch that klaus doesn't eat your dvd player
Siskel says:
ok
Ebert says:
i think you'd really like it
Ebert says:
it's weird
Ebert says:
and it has monkeys and tilted standing and rainforest munching
Ebert says:
and boats in trees
Ebert says:
all things you like
Siskel says:
you know me so well
Ebert says:
(plus the thing with the cheekbones)
Ebert says:
i think you'd like the tilted standing the most
Ebert says:
(have we said anything worth posting yet?)
Ebert says:
or maybe we could post this and call it Our First Movie Review
Ebert says:
you'd have to review the next one
Ebert says:
cause I am leaving you in the dust when it comes to productivity
Siskel says:
movie reviews are a good idea
Siskel says:
well, I need you to do something for me
Ebert says:
ok
Ebert says:
anything
Siskel says:
I need you to fix my typo in the Lennon/McCartney exchange
Siskel says:
it has been driving me mad
Ebert says:
oh!
Ebert says:
ok
Ebert says:
i'll do it now
Siskel says:
we can't have typos if we want to be famous
Siskel says:
I think it's important to be slick
Siskel says:
Polish is good
Ebert says:
ja
Siskel says:
and I don't mean people from Poland
Siskel says:
but I like them too
Ebert says:
yes you do
Ebert says:
Klaus Kinski is from Poland
Siskel says:
full circle
Ebert says:
.....aaaaand now we've come full circle
Ebert says:
jinx on you
Siskel says:
lol
Siskel says:
so, my typo
Siskel says:
I said song twice
Siskel says:
that was dumb
Siskel says:
I'm dumb
Ebert says:
i know
Ebert says:
i'm trying to log in
Siskel says:
ok
Ebert says:
my puter is a whore
Siskel says:
yeah?
Ebert says:
i am saving this IM cause my fucking puter drank my last beer and screwed my best friend
Ebert says:
brb
Ebert says:
need to go tell my best friend my puter has herpes
Siskel says:
damn ok
Siskel says:
that is a tough conversation

(time goes by)

Ebert says:
ok - i'm back
Ebert says:
your typo is fixed
Siskel says:
thank you
Siskel says:
I really think this will make a difference
Ebert says:
should i post the "Aguirre" movie review?
Ebert says:
i will condense it a little
Siskel says:
yeah, that was good
Ebert says:
ok
Siskel says:
leave in anything I said that was funny
Ebert says:
i NEVER hardly EVER edit you
Siskel says:
thanks
Ebert says:
i always edit my stupid crap out
Siskel says:
I edit on the fly
Ebert says:
which pic should i use for the movie review? the cheekbones one, or the "i just ate the rainforest" one?
Siskel says:
I like the one with the monkey
Ebert says:
i feel bad for that monkey
Ebert says:
cause in the movie, he throws the monkey down
Siskel says:
oh, I didn't realize he abused the monkey
Ebert says:
well, he picks it up, tells the monkey that he (klaus) is god, and then throws the monkey down behind him and then take a couple steps and stands all tilted – like.
Ebert says:
you never really see what happens to that monkey, but you feel bad for it
Siskel says:
I feel bad for it just hearing about it
Ebert says:
so - do i still use the monkey pic?
Siskel says:
use cheekbones
Ebert says:
ok
Ebert says:
oh - what are our names?
Ebert says:
i could be pizarro
Ebert says:
no
Ebert says:
i could be....ummm.....
Ebert says:
Thrown Down Monkey?
Ebert says:
no
Ebert says:
you choose
Siskel says:
um
Siskel says:
Siskel and Ebert?
Ebert says:
yeah!
Siskel says:
lol
Ebert says:
i wanna be the fat guy
Siskel says:
I will be cheekbones
Ebert says:
wait
Ebert says:
Siskel or cheekbones?
Ebert says:
which one
Siskel says:
ok
Siskel says:
you be ebert
Siskel says:
I'll be cheek bones
Ebert says:
ok
Siskel says:
cuz I didn't review anything
Ebert says:
well
Ebert says:
we could still call you siskel
Ebert says:
cause siskel doesn't review anything either
Ebert says:
cause he's dead
Siskel says:
ok, if you want
Ebert says:
(did i say that out loud?)
Siskel says:
right, go with that
Ebert says:
are you sure?
Siskel says:
does he do reviews in heaven?
Ebert says:
i dunno
Siskel says:
would he know my name...if I saw him in heaven?
Ebert says:
lolol

An Open Letter to Number One Fan

OUR FIRST FAN MAIL!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
From: "Number One Fan"
To: "The Chick With The White Text"
CC: "The Chick With The Red Text"
Subject: RE: Dude - we have a site....
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 10:09:33 -0400

LOL I totally dig it! The lennon/mccartney thing is way friggin good...
It's been bookmarked!
I want to link it up! Cmon! I want to help with the discovery!
----------------------------------------------------------

From: "The Chick With The White Text"
To: "Number One Fan"
CC: "The Chick With The Red Text"
Subject: RE: Dude - we have a site....
Date: Mon, 3 Oct 2005 10:07 am

Number One Fan -We cannot let you link it up. We sincerely appreciate the motivation, and the good will, but we simply CANNOT let you help us.

Here is why:
1) we are not bloggers. We are ANTI-bloggers. Thus it would be a misnomer and an insult to link us up.

2) it would destroy our imaginary friendship. See, this is what would happen. You'd link us up, we'd get famous, and you'd be all like, "Hey, see those chicks? I made them famous". Pretty soon, we'd start not returning your phone calls cause you were being too weird with the "I discovered them" thing, and then you'd start leaving creepy voicemails like, "Who do you think you are?? I MADE you!!!". And then there would be the restraining orders, the scary stalking incident in the nightclub, the 3 days you spent at Rikers for violating the order, and then ultimately the homelessness and the wandering the streets of Manhattan muttering "those two stupid BITCHES! They'll pay!!"

So really, we're just thinking of you. Trust us.

Sincerely, The Chick With the White Text.
----------------------------------------------------------------------