It's starting early...

Every year about two weeks before my birthday (October 20th - I like cupcakes), I start to get free-floating birthday angst. This means that I start to think about my life so far, and I get dissatisfied with it's direction, the choices I have made, and then I start to get frustrated because I will end up alone and lonely, with 5 billion cats, and I will chase kids off my lawn with a stick and don't you dare touch my newspaper collection that dates back to 1923 you never know if there's something important in there that I will need to read later and I will never brush my grey snaggly hair and I will never wear anything but a ratty bathrobe with mismatched socks, and the department of health will cite me for having so many cats so I will have to buy Vermont in order to have a place big enough for all the litter boxes, and where am I supposed to find all that kitty litter, much less the cash to buy Vermont?

Be afraid. And get this for me for my birthday:
http://www.scribblesvermont.com/store/productview/598/#

EDITED TO ADD IM COMMENTS:

Lennon says:
this might be a blog entry
Lennon says:
my angst, i mean
McCartney says:
really? Is your angst funny?
Lennon says:
i'll make it funny
McCartney says:
ok
McCartney says:
but is it dumb?
McCartney says:
and, most importantly, will it help make us famous?
Lennon says:
it is dumb
Lennon says:
and it will make us famous
Lennon says:
you have doubts, don't you?
McCartney says:
well, I do, but I am not at the top of my game right now
Lennon says:
go read
McCartney says:
ok
McCartney says:
that pic is great though
Lennon says:
dumb post?
McCartney says:
no, it's good, but I think you are leaving me in the dust
McCartney says:
your solo career is happening before we even got famous!
Lennon says:
well then, get off your LAZY ASS and write something
Lennon says:
i will put it in red text for you and find you a suitable pic
McCartney says:
it is supposed to be our IMs
McCartney says:
not your angsty angst
Lennon says:
oh
Lennon says:
NOW she gets technical on me
McCartney says:
get a new blog www.myangstisangstierthanyours.blogspot.com
McCartney says:
try that
Lennon says:
i hate you
Lennon says:
you are jealous of me
Lennon says:
I HAD TO POST SOLO STUFF WHILE YOU WERE OFF GETTING MARRIED SO THAT WE WOULDN'T LOSE OUR READERSHIP
Lennon says:
AND YOU NEVER THANKED ME
McCartney says:
I did too
McCartney says:
it is too soon for us to have this Lennon and mccartney type fight
Lennon says:
i am clearly the lennon in this
Lennon says:
you are the shallow mccartney
McCartney says:
yes, I am the cute one
McCartney says:
I'm all "thumbs up" singing with Michael jackson
Lennon says:
you are the blatantly commercial one
Lennon says:
you don't care for my intellect and my art
McCartney says:
you are sitting in a bed for weeks
McCartney says:
in protest
Lennon says:
you RESENT that I am deeper than you
McCartney says:
you resent that....
McCartney says:
I got nuthin
Lennon says:
yah
Lennon says:
see?
McCartney says:
I know, I know. You're the working class hero and I am the silly love songs
Lennon says:
don't forget the don't-eat-anything-with-a-face-doobie-smoking-buyer-of-quaint-scottish-islands-sell-all-the-rights-to-the-beatles-catalog-to-perverts part: THAT'S YOU.
McCartney says:
right, and you with that whole let your crazy wife control your estate and sell your songs to some dumb Broadway cheese head so they can shove your legacy up your ass with jazz hands
Lennon says:
you say that like it's a bad thing
McCartney says:
ever had jazz hands up your ass??
McCartney says:
that burns
Lennon says:
lolol

Sick Day

Peter Atari is home sick and is thus not entertaining and famous. Blah Blah Blahg will resume when Peter Atari is better. Get well soon, Peter Atari.

I questions Peter Atari's work ethic and commitment... comitttment... comitmmment... dedication to this blog. There will be a confrontation when she gets back. Prepare for drama.

I Want It Now

Peter Atari says:
are we famous yet?
Tom Hanks says:
lemme see
Tom Hanks says:
i don't see any paparazzi, so i guess not
Peter Atari says:
damn
Peter Atari says:
I really would like to be famous soon
Tom Hanks says:
patience
Peter Atari says:
I'm having a hard time with that
Tom Hanks says:
a watched pot of undeserved fame never boils
Peter Atari says:
I'm really into being famous
Peter Atari says:
you are so deep
Tom Hanks says:
slow and steady wins the red carpet dash
Peter Atari says:
wow, you are like confuscious
Peter Atari says:
confewshuss?
Peter Atari says:
cunfiushish?
Tom Hanks says:
vapid public adoration comes to those who wait
Peter Atari says:
unstoppable
Tom Hanks says:
measure twice, slap a police officer once
Peter Atari says:
lol
Tom Hanks says:
that's all i got
Tom Hanks says:
no wait
Tom Hanks says:
a stitch in 28 day rehabilitation saves nine
Tom Hanks says:
now i'm done
Peter Atari says:
lolol

Glib

Tom Hanks says:
i have a feeling we're gonna get famous within a week
Tom Hanks says:
what have you been doing to prepare for being famous?
Tom Hanks says:
i've been standing in front of the mirror, practicing my gracious but firm refusal to sign autographs
Peter Atari says:
I have been rehearsing my answers to Mary Hart
Tom Hanks says:
i've been practicing falling in love with my movie co-stars
Peter Atari says:
I am also going to practice crashing my car into paparazzi
Tom Hanks says:
i'm gonna hire some people to be estranged relatives
Tom Hanks says:
and i've been collecting the wardrobe: oversize sunglasses, lots of flip flops, etc
Peter Atari says:
I have a head wrap you may borrow
Tom Hanks says:
i was also thinking about being marginally attached to some humanitarian cause and then going "huh" when reporters ask me about it
Peter Atari says:
oh, that's good
Tom Hanks says:
hey - do you have a juicy scandal that I could borrow so that my future publicist can have something to spin/squash/settle out of court?
Peter Atari says:
I am going to back a Green candidate for President, then fly to the bahamas in my private jet
Tom Hanks says:
niiiice
Tom Hanks says:
well
Tom Hanks says:
i think we're pretty well prepared
Tom Hanks says:
let's sit back and wait for the famousness
Tom Hanks says:
i get dibs on Ann Curry for the Today Show interview
Tom Hanks says:
she's wicked hot
Tom Hanks says:
and Katie annoys me
Peter Atari says:
As long as i don' t get matt
Peter Atari says:
he's glib
Peter Atari says:
and I have studied

Bosom Buddies

Tom Hanks says:
you can't abandon the blog like you did this past week
Peter Atari says:
I'm sorry
Tom Hanks says:
i know getting married is important and stuff
Tom Hanks says:
but the blog needs you
Peter Atari says:
I will make it up to you
Tom Hanks says:
also, if i am left to carry on by myself, you run the risk of me being more famous than you
Tom Hanks says:
I will be the Tom Hanks to your Peter Safari (the Bosom Buddies dudes)
Peter Atari says:
yeah, I can't have that
Peter Atari says:
isn't it Scolari or something Italian sounding?
Tom Hanks says:
oh
Tom Hanks says:
yeah
Tom Hanks says:
but see? that's my point
Tom Hanks says:
no one remembers him
Tom Hanks says:
cause he was just the sidekick
Tom Hanks says:
you can't have that happening to you
Peter Atari says:
it will never happen
Tom Hanks says:
so, please don't abandon the blog again
Peter Atari says:
and that Billy Joel song will not be our theme song
Peter Atari says:
we need a blog theme song
Tom Hanks says:
hmmm
Tom Hanks says:
how about
Tom Hanks says:
ummm
Tom Hanks says:
i could write a song for it
Tom Hanks says:
i'm good at writing songs
Peter Atari says:
yeah, you are
Peter Atari says:
but I really think you are trying to steal my sunshine
Peter Atari says:
and be more famous than me
Peter Atari says:
like Gwen Stefani did to No Doubt
Tom Hanks says:
or maybe you should write it, cause if I write the song AND be the blog tom hanks, my talent will REALLY start to eclipse yours and you will demand a bigger paycut and desperate shit like that
Peter Atari says:
and Jon Bon did to the other Jovis
Tom Hanks says:
lol
Tom Hanks says:
ok
Tom Hanks says:
you write it
Tom Hanks says:
i'll be generous
Peter Atari says:
wow, ok
Peter Atari says:
I need some time
Peter Atari says:
I have a fever
Peter Atari says:
I have a fever for our blog
Tom Hanks says:
see, i could write that song in ONE SECOND
Tom Hanks says:
but i'll move over and let you shine
Tom Hanks says:
wait
Tom Hanks says:
that's not shine
Tom Hanks says:
that's the reflection of the snot dripping out of your runny nostrils
Peter Atari says:
it is
Peter Atari says:
I need to poop
Tom Hanks says:
ok
Peter Atari says:
I don't like being sick
Tom Hanks says:
i'll post this
Peter Atari says:
it makes me poop
Peter Atari says:
ok
Tom Hanks says:
pooping is necessary, Peter Atari
Tom Hanks says:
oh WAIT!
Tom Hanks says:
who are you today?
Peter Atari says:
oh
Peter Atari says:
Sick Bitch
Tom Hanks says:
ok
Tom Hanks says:
who am I?
Tom Hanks says:
i should be Tom Hanks
Tom Hanks says:
yeah
Peter Atari says:
lol
Peter Atari says:
yeah, make me Peter Atari then
Tom Hanks says:
ok!!!
Tom Hanks says:
go poop
Peter Atari says:
ok

Reasons Why I am Stupid Today

M is for Moron, that's good enough for me.

1) I wore my Cookie Monster underwear today, when EVERYONE knows that Tuesday is Elmo underwear day.

2) I forgot to put on deodorant this morning. But I have done this before and thusly keep a spare stick in my desk. Which I forgot to use till I raised my arms over my head to stretch and was overcome by fumes.

Tantrum

REASONS WHY SCROOBLAY DOESN'T WANT TO RECORD TONIGHT:
1) I am flamingly grumpy. Bile gets in the way of good singing.
2) I hate headphones.
3) Dan and Paul are gonna get all geek-a-zoidal about the recording equipment, and they'll communicate with each other in some weird sort of hyperspasticgeekytwinspeak which will exasperate me to the point of delivering them both a haymaker/cockpunch combo.
4) I don't want to wear sneakers. My sneakers smell.
5) Rob will do something annoying (like breathing) which will TOTALLY set me off, and I'll go into diva meltdown mode.
6) I will need to lie down. There are no featherbeds with ostrich-plume-waving eunuch attendants where we are recording.

I JUST WANNA GO HOME, LIE ON THE COUCH ALL WRAPPED UP IN MY BLANKIE, READ MY BOOK, DRINK MY TEA AND TRY TO CALCULATE THE CUBIC DENSITY OF MY TITS, LIKE ANY NORMAL GAL!! IS THAT SO WRONG??

Edited to add:
Do you like that photo of Maria Callas up there? It's pretty awesome, isn't it? I admire it a great deal. The woman who took that photos is named Marilyn Szabo, and she is cool! Check her out!! www.szabophotography.com

Happy and Gay!

Moose got married last Saturday! YAY! I called her voicemail and sang her a song. A special song. A song composed especially for her and the Missus. I cannot post it here until Moose gets back and says I can.

PS. I friggin' hate blogger. Blogger won't upload my images. When I ask blogger to upload my images, it spazzes out and acts like a crackwhore shooting up behind a dumpster. Fuck Blogger. I have to html them in myself and I HATE WRITING CODE!!

(sorry to mess up your happy post, Moose)

I Have A Midget and I Am Not Afraid To Use Her

Attention comment spammers: Don't post crappy spammy links on our comments. I don't need a bigger penis. My mortgage rate doesn't need lowering. I'm not gonna check out your "bizdeals". If I wanted a "GUARANTEED BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY!!", I'd trundle myself down to Green St in my fishnets and stilettos. DON'T POST SPAM IN OUR COMMENTS. I mean it. I'll get Moose all liquored up on Olde English. She gets angry and stompy when's she's on the malt liquor. Your kneecaps won't know what hit them. You have been warned.

Experiencing Technical Difficulties

Blah Blah Blahg will resume after Moose gets herself hitched this weekend. I can't very well talk to myself and post it here, can I? I suppose I could post that hilarious drunken voicemail that Moose left on my cellphone...but that would require transcription and I'm really lazy.

Moose is supposed to be back next Wednesday. Sit tight till then, all our millions of readers.

God I love being famous.

Scary Nasty Mooses

Moose says:
hey
Moose says:
office peeps took me to lunch
Moose says:
and I had two galsses of wine
Moose says:
oops
Moose says:
gl
Scroooblay says:
ahahahahaha
Scroooblay says:
wanna read about drunken mooses?
Moose says:
I think I am a drunken moose
Scroooblay says:
http://www.aftenposten.no/english/local/article446908.ece
Moose says:
that moose story is hilarious
Moose says:
I am going to typo a lot
Moose says:
just fyi
Moose says:
I'm tipsy
Scroooblay says:
drunk
Scroooblay says:
drunk as a moose in norway
Scroooblay says:
did you know that you should clap at a moose to determine whether it is drunk?
Scroooblay says:
EVERYONE knows that ALL drunks respond to clapping, regardless of species
Moose says:
that's what people do to me too
Moose says:
exactly
Scroooblay says:
i personally know that I appreciate a nice round of applause when i am good and hammered
Scroooblay says:
i figure it's recognition for a drunk well done
Moose says:
I like when people do the wave for me when I am drunk
Moose says:
and paint my name on their faces
Scroooblay says:
i like it when people hold up their lighters for me
Scroooblay says:
and start unofficial fan sites
Moose says:
I like when people hold up bible verses for me
Scroooblay says:
i like it when vh1 does a "behind the drunk" episode for me when I am drunk
Moose says:
this might be a good...thing for our thing if you know what I mean
Scroooblay says:
oooo yeah
Scroooblay says:
who are you today?
Scroooblay says:
pick a name
Scroooblay says:
you don't have to change it
Moose says:
Moose
Scroooblay says:
i'll just do a search and replace
Scroooblay says:
ok
Scroooblay says:
who should I be?
Scroooblay says:
WHO SHOULD I BE?
Moose says:
oh
Moose says:
um
Moose says:
Sroobley
Scroooblay says:
skrooooblay?
Moose says:
oops
Moose says:
yeah
Scroooblay says:
holy shit
Scroooblay says:
this is a busy newsday for the mean mooses
Scroooblay says:
http://www.aftenposten.no/english/local/article945820.ece
Moose says:
Norwegian mooses are drunk and angry
Scroooblay says:
well
Scroooblay says:
think about it
Scroooblay says:
what is there to do in Norway besides win the nobel prize and ski?
Scroooblay says:
mooses can't do either. They lack opposable thumbs and higher brain function.
Scroooblay says:
wouldn't you get drunk and angry too?
Moose says:
good point
Moose says:
I'm drunk and angry just thinking about it
Scroooblay says:
are we done being funny?
Moose says:
no
Moose says:
we need to be more funny
Moose says:
funnier
Scroooblay says:
i gotta google up an angry moose pic
Moose says:
more funnier
Scroooblay says:
f to the u to the double en why
Moose says:
google Norway and you''l find one
Moose says:
I am so drunk typig right now
Scroooblay says:
lol
Scroooblay says:
i'm googling angry norwegian moose right now
Moose says:
google "thai pig" too
Scroooblay says:
no matches
Scroooblay says:
i am not googling that
Moose says:
why not?
Scroooblay says:
http://www.pbs.ch/4stufe/explorerbelt/images/norway1.gif
Scroooblay says:
cause i don't want to
Moose says:
come on!
Scroooblay says:
http://www.angelfire.com/punk4/thejewlee182/angry.gif
Scroooblay says:
http://www.livejournal.com/userpic/11847648/1427260
Moose says:
lol
Moose says:
are we still funny?
Scroooblay says:
i'm not
Scroooblay says:
i'm in research mode
Scroooblay says:
that's rarely funny
Moose says:
me neither
Scroooblay says:
ok
Scroooblay says:
well, let's work with what we had above
Moose says:
I'm in two glasses of wine awhile ago mode
Moose says:
so I'm starting to get sleepy
Scroooblay says:
wow
Scroooblay says:
there's a nearly naked pic of john cleese
Scroooblay says:
no wait
Moose says:
LOL
Scroooblay says:
he's wearing a bikini
Moose says:
yikes
Scroooblay says:
crap
Scroooblay says:
my puter is locking up
Scroooblay says:
save this IM!
Moose says:
oh no
Moose says:
ok
Scroooblay says:
ok
Scroooblay says:
i think i'm safe
Moose says:
are you drunk too?
Scroooblay says:
that was scary
Scroooblay says:
no
Scroooblay says:
i think john cleese gave my puter herpes
Moose says:
lol
Scroooblay says:
ok - i have to go do...well, you know. some editing

Bridezilla says:
should we do another blog entry?
HalfWit says:
are we funny today?
Bridezilla says:
I can't tell
Bridezilla says:
I think you said something funny before
HalfWit says:
oh that's right
HalfWit says:
what was it?
HalfWit says:
you said some funny stuff too
Bridezilla says:
did I?
HalfWit says:
i called Alyssa Milano a filthy dirty whore
Bridezilla says:
right
HalfWit says:
yeah - i don't remember what you said, but I remember laughing
Bridezilla says:
well, that counts
HalfWit says:
know what?
Bridezilla says:
what?
HalfWit says:
i don't remember our password
HalfWit says:
we might have to make another blog
Bridezilla says:
aahahahahaha
Bridezilla says:
shit
Bridezilla says:
what was it???
Bridezilla says:
damn
Bridezilla says:
I forget
Bridezilla says:
something about the swank?
HalfWit says:
theswankhasanicerack
Bridezilla says:
or was that our email?
HalfWit says:
email
HalfWit says:
what was the login?
Bridezilla says:
yeah, something like that
HalfWit says:
fuck
HalfWit says:
WHAT WAS IT??
Bridezilla says:
I forget
Bridezilla says:
I didn't write it down
HalfWit says:
lemme try some stuff
Bridezilla says:
think of stuff we might say
Bridezilla says:
or uh...other dumb stuff
HalfWit says:
lemme try some logins
Bridezilla says:
ok

HalfWit says:
i think we're fucked
HalfWit says:
I REMEMBERED IT!!
HalfWit says:
the password is ******!!!
HalfWit says:
********!!
Bridezilla says:
lol
Bridezilla says:
right
HalfWit says:
ok
Bridezilla says:
cuz of swank
HalfWit says:
now
Bridezilla says:
lol
HalfWit says:
start a new window and let's be funny
HalfWit says:
change your name