Federal Blog of Investigation

Lori Petty says:
The FBI just called me

My Sister says:
no they didn't

Lori Petty says:
[redacted] is going to be clerking for a judge in [a place]
they are doing security checks
he put me as a reference
so
an FBI agent is coming to my office tomorrow
if he doesn't yell "I AM AN FBI AGENT"
and then take me surfing
I will be disappointed

My Sister says:
lolol

Lori Petty says:
I think I will wear a wet suit for the interview
so he knows I am down

My Sister says:
what will you do if he looks like keanu?

Lori Petty says:
call him dude?

My Sister says:
are you going to talk into your lapel at odd moments?

Lori Petty says:
yes

My Sister says:
can your watch make digital sounds that may or may not sound like a high tech bomb?

Lori Petty says:
yes, and I will sweat a lot
and glance nervously to my left a bunch

My Sister says:
if it doesn't, i can lend you my watch that plays a digital rendition of the theme to the Mickey Mouse Club

Lori Petty says:
ok
cool
in the middle of a question, I will suddenly stand up and jump out my window

My Sister says:
keep asking "is it safe?" and glance around

Lori Petty says:
yeah

My Sister says:
and then rip out his teeth
like larry olivier and dustin hoffman in Marathon Man

Lori Petty says:
right

My Sister says:
also
i could probably get nondescript sunglasses wearing guys to trail you
they may or may not be spies
do you want them to be vaguely eastern european looking?
or do you perfer chinese?

Lori Petty says:
I like sort of Russian with pony tails

My Sister says:
the eastern european guys will cost more(it's because of the hair gel)
you can get the chinese guys cheap

Lori Petty says:
chinese is good

My Sister says:
BUT the russian guys are more menacing
so it's a toss up

Lori Petty says:
how about vaguely Arab?

My Sister says:
ooooo

Lori Petty says:
any middle eastern look is good

My Sister says:
i'll see what i can do
also
for the car chase
i can get you a 73 Nova and a hyundai elantra
sorry
matt damon has the bmw

Lori Petty says:
that's cool
the Nova has a hipster retro cool thing about it

My Sister says:
wait
sorry
shia laboeuf just totalled the nova
i can get you a plymouth horizon hatchback

Lori Petty says:
that should blow up on impact
perfect

Friday shortie

White Text says:
hi
listen
let's say i was eliot spitzer's hooker
and i've been trying to avoid the media
so
i decide on a wardrobe that helps me blend in with the crowd
like this:

why do people keep bothering me? I'm trying to be invisible!

Reddy says:
I just don't understand all the attention!
CAN'T I JUST TALK ON THE PHONE IN MY LEATHER HOT PANTS ONESIE AND HOOKER HEELS IN PRIVATE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREETS OF MANHATTAN!!!???

White Text says:
GAWD!!!

Reddy says:
(nice legs though, spitzer hooker)

A Typical Day At The Office

Peter Parker says:
I have a goddamned meeting at 10
conf call
lord how I hate the confercne call
conferdvece

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
stop it with the conference calls already
if you get bored, i have a new blog entry
it's pure geekiness

Peter Parker says:
ok
I will be mostly listening and napping during it
so
I might logged in
logegd
nevermind

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
be
^
that's what you needed
you needed a verb

Peter Parker says:
thatnsk
oh lord

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
lolol

Peter Parker says:
the typing is not going well

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
you've been eating my hydrocodone

Peter Parker says:
ok gotta call in

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
bye

Peter Parker says:
bey
oh jeeezxe
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there is a spider and a silver fish on my desk
INFESTATION!!!!!

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL IT!!!!!

Peter Parker says:
if they bite me, I will become a very strange super hero
why are there two bugs???
at the SAME TIME!!!!!
HELLLLPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
rn away
rn away NOW
rn

Peter Parker says:
I flicked it
the silver fish

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
AAAAAAA~!!!!!

Peter Parker says:
I FLICKED IT ACROSS THE ROOM
but

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
disinfect your finger!!! DISINFECT YORU GINGIGNWER!
what?

Peter Parker says:
I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT WENT!!!
lolololol
"YORU GINGIGNWER"
is the best name of all time

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
lololololol
(blog)

Peter Parker says:
yah