Blogeration Gap

Ward & June Cleaver says:
so
what have you been up to?
did the blog miss me?
I missed the blog

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
i've been doing some stuff

Ward & June Cleaver says:
I took a picture of it with it though

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
wha?

Ward & June Cleaver says:
with me

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
you are retarded

Ward & June Cleaver says:
the good news is I am still retarded

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
i think the blog finds us boring

Ward & June Cleaver says:
the blog views us like its parents
it hides when we dance at parties

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
it shudders when we try to be 'cool'

Ward & June Cleaver says:
it calls its friends to tell them how lame we are when we don't let it go to the Green Day show

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
it gets pissed when we buy it a hyundai accent as it's first car

Ward & June Cleaver says:
the blog refused to come out of its room when we said it couldn't get a cell phone

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
the blog was grounded when we caught it hacking into another blog's computer

Ward & June Cleaver says:
the blog threw a tantrum when we started monitoring its Myspace page

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
the blog hides it's weed in the sock drawer

Ward & June Cleaver says:
the blog tried to run away from home after we told its friends it cried at the final episode of Gilmore Girls

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
the blog has been chatting in chat rooms with a 47 year old, potbellied construction worker named "hawtsixteen4u"
(that's just wrong)
(i'm editing that out)

Ward & June Cleaver says:
(yah)

Day Late, Blog Short

Crusty says:
we need to update
we haven't blogged in a while

Crouton says:
oh yeah
i can't

Crusty says:
oh

Crouton says:
i have a cold

Crusty says:
you can't type when you have a cold?

Crouton says:
right
ican'tavweonihave a cold
see?

Crusty says:
well, ok
I guess
hmmm
were we funny at all this week?

Crouton says:
not really
we're off this week
we're milk that's a day or two beyond it's expiration

Crusty says:
we are that chicken that's been in the back of the freezer for 6 months

Crouton says:
we're the cold pizza you eat in the morning

Crusty says:
we are Cameron Diaz after the breakup

Crouton says:
we are flat beer

Crusty says:
We are the corn chips from last weekend's picnic

Crouton says:
we're $19.10 balance when your ATM only dispenses twenties

Crusty says:
We are Britney's lip sync come back Vegas show

Crouton says:
we are the mateless sock from the dryer

Crusty says:
The good news is, we just blogged

Crouton says:
hey wow - look at that - we did

Bloggorrhoids

Editors note: Read this first - Colonblogoscopy

H says:
NO BUTT PROBLEMS!!
just internal hemorrhoids
whew!
yay for hemorrhoids!

Preparation says:
woot!!

H says:
big ups!

Preparation says:
~break dances for roids~

H says:
~gives roids a home makeover~

Preparation says:
~buys roids a diamond necklace~

H says:
~gives roids a free year's lease on a cadillac escalade~

Preparation says:
~takes roids to Disney Land~

H says:
~gives roids a rose on 'Bachelor'~

Preparation says:
~votes for roids at 1-866-idols -02~

H says:
~honors roids with a star on the Roids Butt of Fame~

Preparation says:
let's stop there
that's a good one
I like that we closed the butt chapter
wrapped up the butt
your butt needed closure
wait
you know what I mean
addendum
add-end-um
I kill myself

Blog In The Fast Lane

Don Henley says:
I just finished one of my things
now I have one big thing and two medium things and two small things
I like crossing things off my list

Joe Walsh says:
yes
i do too
i crossed this off earlier today:
'say hi to don henley'

Don Henley says:
done

Joe Walsh says:
yep

Don Henley says:
you deserve a vacation

Joe Walsh says:
yes
that was a hard one to accomplish
hey
i just crossed this one off:
'blink'

Don Henley says:
good god woman...slow down!
you are going to burn out

Joe Walsh says:
what's this?
I can't read my writing
expale?
exhaie?
ooooh
exhale
crossed off

Don Henley says:
I mean it, I am worried
this life in the fast lane stuff is going to come back to you!

Joe Walsh says:
~slows down~
~crosses 'slow down' off list~

Don Henley says:
I bet you feel better already

Joe Walsh says:
~crosses 'feel better already' off list~
i'm in a rut
burn my list please

Don Henley says:
~crosses 'burn Joe's list' off list.~

Blogs and Roses

Slash says:
hi

Izzy says:
hi

Slash says:
what is the deal on Axl Rose?
I mean...that guy is weird, right?

Izzy says:
i am so glad you asked
you get two axls for the price of one
that is the deal

Slash says:
that's a pretty good deal, I guess

Izzy says:
yah

Slash says:
so we get old school bandana, punching fans in the face Axl

Izzy says:
right

Slash says:
and new school plastic surgery make the same record for 12 years Axl
for one
good deal

Izzy says:
yes

Slash says:
ok
I'm glad I asked

Izzy says:
i'm here to help

Slash says:
it is a good thing
cuz
do you know where I am???
I'm in the jungle baby

Izzy says:
welcome
to
the
jungle
na na na na na na na knees knees

Slash says:
You're gonna Diiiiiiiiiiiii-IIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Izzy says:
lol

Slash says:
is that blog worthy?

Izzy says:
no

Theater of the Blogsurd

Shields says:
hi
HI

Yarnell says:
hello
how are you

Shields says:
I am fine

Yarnell says:
that is good to hear

Shields says:
we are robots

Yarnell says:
we are
i am in need of oil

Shields says:
~short circuits~

Yarnell says:
~takes over the spaceship - steers into the Monolith~

Shields says:
~feels fear even though robots are not supposed to be able to feel~

Yarnell says:
i don't like this conversation
it's going nowhere
let's pretend to be weasels

Shields says:
ok

Yarnell says:
~sniffs~

Shields says:
sniffs stuff
olololol

Yarnell says:
~does weaselly things~
~talks about weasel stuff~

Shields says:
~acts like weasel~

Yarnell says:
~cries like a weasel~

Shields says:
~eats weasel food~

Yarnell says:
~eats weasel babies~
(isn't that what weasels do? no wait - that's hamsters)
~regurgitates weasel babies~

Shields says:
ok
this one ended badly too

Yarnell says:
yah
hmmm

Shields says:
let's pretend to be mimes

Yarnell says:
ok
~ ~

Shields says:
~ ~

Yarnell says:
lololol

Smell-o-Blog

Glen Ross says:
know something?
i think if we could get a third reader roped in, our blog could really take off
we need to think of attractive sign up offers
30% off your next blog reading if you sign up now

Glen Garry says:
ohh

Glen Ross says:
we could offer a blog entry at factory invoice

Glen Garry says:
good idea
how about some sort of bonus for our current readers if they bring in new readers?

Glen Ross says:
that's a good idea
why should we do all the work?

Glen Garry says:
exactly

Glen Ross says:
they need to get off their asses

Glen Garry says:
right

Glen Ross says:
it's only right that they fetch us new readers for all the chuckles we give them

Glen Garry says:
for free, I might add

Glen Ross says:
we just give and give and give and what do they do in return?
nothing

Glen Garry says:
ok
so
what do we offer?

Glen Ross says:
how about we'll THINK about not kicking them off the blog

Glen Garry says:
ok

Glen Ross says:
we'll give them 3 days
they each have to bring one person
or it's "you never know whatchoo got till it's gone"

Glen Garry says:
ok
but
what if they fail?
then we will have no fan (s)
and, you know, I do this for the fan (s)

Glen Ross says:
i didn't think about that

Glen Garry says:
~punches chest and points at fan (s)~

Glen Ross says:
you're crafty
sure - make yourself look good at my expense
I CARE TOO!

Glen Garry says:
you better start chest punching and pointing then

Glen Ross says:
~smashes head with a hammer - passes out on fan (s) lap~
that was a bit overboard

Glen Garry says:
maybe
it was passionate

Glen Ross says:
it was rash

Glen Garry says:
our fan(s) like that
but that's what they love about you

Glen Ross says:
our fan (s) eat peanut butter and dust and wear the same marcel marceau shirt every day

Glen Garry says:
good point
but
that is a nice shirt

Glen Ross says:
it looks good on her
but
it's gotta smell by now

Glen Garry says:
it is a good thing we don't have a smell-o-blog

Glen Ross says:
oh that would be so AWESOME!

Glen Garry says:
I'll work on it

Glen Ross says:
whoever invents that technology is set for life
and you KNOW what's gonna be the first smell on the internet?
doody

Glen Garry says:
yep
people love doody

Glen Ross says:
people are fascinated

Glen Garry says:
people are weird

Glen Ross says:
people need to get us more fan (s)
PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN!! Coffee is for closers!!

Blog Rush

Willy Wonka says:
i just had a packet of skittles
the sugar rush is making me skittish

Jolly Rancher says:
do you feel zoomie?
spinny?
wooozy?

Willy Wonka says:
zippy

Jolly Rancher says:
are you turning color?
rainbowy?
you will cycle through the primaries soon
then stay yellow
for 6 or 7 hours

Willy Wonka says:
i think i am crashing now

Jolly Rancher says:
uh oh
the only thing to do
is
eat more skittles
or
pass out in a puddle of rainbow vomit

Willy Wonka says:
ooo
i like the second choice

Free Beer And Chicken

Frito Lay says:
theblog
whohascome?

Nabisco says:
i'llgocheck

Frito Lay says:
what just happen to my space bar?

Nabisco says:
idunno

Frito Lay says:
that was weird
anyhoodles

Nabisco says:
utah, connecticut
brooklyn

Frito Lay says:
utah!
Mormons!

Nabisco says:
(adriana)

Frito Lay says:
oh
brooklyn...
Todd?

Nabisco says:
maybe
no foreign countries
we must have tightened up the borders

Frito Lay says:
border reform
I think it is the Minute Men keeping them out
or Lou Dobbs

Nabisco says:
i think it is trans fats
or Britney spears

Frito Lay says:
I think it is high fructose corn syrup
or Alec Baldwin
This is good
we need a good conspiracy theory on the blog
blogspiracy

Nabisco says:
listen
62.5% of our visitors stay longer than an hour
i think we should leave them coffee or something

Frito Lay says:
snacks
but
then we run the risk of having them just hanging around all the time
for the snacks
and coffee

Nabisco says:
this is true
but if we don't give them chips and salsa or something, aren't we being bad hostesses?
i mean
we don't have to GIVE it to them
but we could offer

Frito Lay says:
ok
as long as they clean up after themselves
I ain't nobody's maid

Nabisco says:
"Welcome to Blah Blah Blahg - would you like some doritos?"

Frito Lay says:
ohhh
then we could get an endorsement from Frito Lay

Nabisco says:
yep

Frito Lay says:
prodcut placement is very lucrative

Nabisco says:
yep
even for products we have no intention of giving to our consumers

Frito Lay says:
did I type "prodcut"?
I did

Nabisco says:
you did
we'll never get a product endorsement from Hooked on Phonics now. thanks.

Frito Lay says:
sorry