Blog of Dreams

Shoeless Joe says:
no one loves our blog anymore

James Earl Jones says:
give it time
sometimes people need a break

Shoeless Joe says:
no
our blog is life
if people take a break, they will die

James Earl Jones says:
yes, but they have to come to that on their own
we show them the path
they must walk it

Shoeless Joe says:
wait
you are willing to have people die?
because of their own ignorance?

James Earl Jones says:
no

Shoeless Joe says:
we must intervene

James Earl Jones says:
I believe the people will find the path before death
If we blog it
they will come
we cannot force them to come
we can only show the way
light the path

Shoeless Joe says:
and sell hotdogs and foam #1 fingers and pennants?

James Earl Jones says:
now you're getting it

Fight Blog

Tyler Durden says:
SMMMMMAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ed Norton says:
ow
[gets dizzy]
[falls down]

Tyler Durden says:
[kicks in the ribs]
NOW STAY DOWN!

Ed Norton says:
[reaches for the knife in boot]

Tyler Durden says:
[steps on hand]
[kicks knife away]

Ed Norton says:
[plays dead]

Tyler Durden says:
[falls for it]

Ed Norton says:
[clubs tyler durden in the eye with a turkey drumstick]

Tyler Durden says:
[eye swells due to rare turkey allergy]
[goes blind]

Ed Norton says:
[runs away]

Tyler Durden says:
[can't find way home]
[dies alone]
the end

Bloggervention

Robert Downey Jr. says:
hi

Dr. Phil says:
hi

Robert Downey Jr. says:
i'm worried about the blog

Dr. Phil says:
me too
We are neglecting it

Robert Downey Jr. says:
i'm almost afraid to say why I am worried about the blog
because to voice the concerns is to make them real
maybe if we just ignore the blog it will get better
you know - pretend the blog's problems don't exist
we'll starve the blog's problems of attention
good plan?

Dr. Phil says:
That would be like ignoring the elephant on the blog

Robert Downey Jr. says:
the 400 lb Blogorilla in the middle of the room

Dr. Phil says:
exactly

Robert Downey Jr. says:
this is dire
what do we do?

Dr. Phil says:
we need to address it
head on

Robert Downey Jr. says:
how?
intervention?

Dr. Phil says:
yes
blogervention

Robert Downey Jr. says:
or do we just wait until Dog arrests the blog for jumping bail?

Dr. Phil says:
that will be too late
we can save the blog
before it comes to that

Robert Downey Jr. says:
(but I wanna meet Dog & Beth)


Dr. Phil says:
(I know)

Robert Downey Jr. says:
(I'm willing to neglect the blog if that means I get to meet Dog & Beth)

Dr. Phil says:
(and I want Angelina Jolie to adopt me...but we can't have everything can we?)

Blogitorial Standards

Mike Reno says:
I dunno if that last one was a very good blog
maybe a shorty

Anne Murray says:
what?
but
i'm editing NOW

Mike Reno says:
I re read it

Anne Murray says:
FINE

Mike Reno says:
oh is it funny?

Anne Murray says:
i'll dump it
FINE

Mike Reno says:
I thought it was sort of funny
but blog worthy?

Anne Murray says:
(we gotta blog SOMETHING)

Mike Reno says:
ok

Anne Murray says:
are you accusing me of lowering blog standards?

Mike Reno says:
I'm saying we don't want to settle
just because we have to get something out

Anne Murray says:
ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF LOWERING BLOG STANDARDS.
just come out and say it
you don't trust my judgment - my blogment - anymore
fine
FINE

Mike Reno says:
Well, I think you just wanna bang stuff out without considering the quality

Anne Murray says:
i don't care anymore
FINE
I DO ALL THE WORK AND YOU JUST SIT THERE IN YOUR LA TI DA WORLD AND PASS JUDGEMENT
JUDGMENT
aw fuck it
YOU JUDGE!!
YOU'RE A JUDGER!!

Mike Reno says:
I think you had a lapse in blogment
but
it is Monday

Anne Murray says:
that's right
we suck on Mondays

Blogged Forces

<

Anne Murray says:
hi
i'm young
i'm wild
i'm free
got the magic power of the music in me

Mike Reno says:
do you hope the D-jay-ay is gonna play your fa-ayvrit sooong?

Anne Murray says:
(I don't know that one)

Mike Reno says:
same song

Anne Murray says:
oh

Mike Reno says:
Triumph!

Anne Murray says:
oh

Mike Reno says:
from Canada!

Anne Murray says:
oh
'splains why I don't know all the words
they're singing in canadian

Mike Reno says:

what is that album called?

Anne Murray says:
billed forces?

Mike Reno says:
huh?

Anne Murray says:
blued forkes?

Mike Reno says:
maybe

Anne Murray says:
oh! blogged forces!!

Mike Reno says:
POWER TRIO!
RIK EMMETT!

Anne Murray says:
the singer sounds like a butched up Geddy Lee'

Mike Reno says:
yup
this is him

I met him once when I was in college

Mike Reno says:
doing sound set up at a guitar conference

Anne Murray says:
did he try to lick your teeth?

Mike Reno says:
no
he had big hair

Anne Murray says:
what's wrong with him?

Mike Reno says:
he spells his name Rik
not Rick

Anne Murray says:
that explains a lot

Mike Reno says:
this is all of them



Mike Reno says:
TRIUMPH!

Anne Murray says:
RETARDS!

To Kill A Mocking Blog (Blahg)

Scout says:
know what?

Atticus says:
what?

Scout says:
i'm wondering if we should change the titles
"blahg-a-lope" instead of blogalope
"sweet blahgs are made of this"
etc

Atticus says:
hmmm
naw

Scout says:
cause we ARE blah blah Blahg
it's like we're "branding" ourselves

Atticus says:
hmm
well
maybe we can start fresh with it
but not go back

Scout says:
it's a tough call

Atticus says:
it is

Scout says:
because we're mocking blogs
so maybe in that sense, it's good to keep it the way it is

Atticus says:
right
I don't want to kill the purity of the back blogs
but
if you want to change from this point on, I am cool with that

Scout says:
let's think about it for a while

Atticus says:
it'll be like on Happy Days when Chuck disappeared
it just happened
they didn't talk about it

Scout says:
yah
just....gone

Atticus says:
ok, so, let it marinate, and then we'll decide if we want to kill the purity of the mocking
to kill a mocking blog

Bloggin' On Up

George Jefferson says:
so

Weezy says:
so

George Jefferson says:
i gave it some thought last night

Weezy says:
oh good
gave what some thought?

George Jefferson says:
we've established a solid fan base of two. we are consistently funnier than anyone except perhaps The Eug.
it's time for the next level
we need to kick it up a notch

Weezy says:
ok

George Jefferson says:
do you want to turn down a development deal from comedy central or should i?

Weezy says:
go ahead

George Jefferson says:
ok

Weezy says:
you like to be the hatchet man

George Jefferson says:
i'm good at saying no
watch
"no"
see?

Weezy says:
very good

George Jefferson says:
ok
that's set
what else are we gonna do to elevate our game?

Weezy says:
maybe have some sort of call in voting system?
people seem to like that

George Jefferson says:
oooo GOOD IDEA
i'm thinking we're going to need to date some emerging actors and actresses
not a-listers
"emerging"

Weezy says:
maybe someone from the OC

George Jefferson says:
you can have mischa barton

Weezy says:
or One Tree Hill
what is One Tree Hill?

George Jefferson says:
it is a tree
by itself
on a hill

Weezy says:
ok

George Jefferson says:
or
it is one hill, full of trees

Weezy says:
doesn't matter
I will date someone from One Tree Hill
and dump her in public

George Jefferson says:
oooo - GOOD TWIST
who will i date?

Weezy says:
you can date someone from the cast of SNL

George Jefferson says:
blech no

Weezy says:
one of those people nobody knows

George Jefferson says:
maybe i won't date anyone and make people wonder if i am asexual

Weezy says:
good idea

George Jefferson says:
maybe i'll bring my mom or my dog to awards shows

Weezy says:
then you have to suddenly have 2 small children
and people will wonder where they came from
but
you will NOT talk about your private life

George Jefferson says:
can i adopt them from antarctica?

Weezy says:
sure!
but
it doesn't matter
you can even just borrow them for photo ops

George Jefferson says:
ok
i think you need to find some sort of mystical cult to belong to
like the shriners

Weezy says:
right?

George Jefferson says:
right what?

Weezy says:
nothing
ignore ?
right
oki
-i

George Jefferson says:
+retard

Weezy says:
right

George Jefferson says:
(was this too scattered for bloggage?)

Weezy says:
maybe a few small ediots
hahahah
ediots
that is a good typo

George Jefferson says:
lolololol

Blog-A-Lope

Al Gore says:
the internet is a crazy land of make believe and reality intersecting

Bill Gates says:
it intersects with intersectyness

Al Gore says:
it should be called "the intersect" instead

Bill Gates says:
it should be called "the interweave"

Al Gore says:
it should be called the interlope

Bill Gates says:
weave for short

Al Gore says:
the lope

Bill Gates says:
"see you on the weave" sounds better than "see you on the lope"
we would have an "weaveblog" instead of a weblog

Al Gore says:
lopeblog
blog-a-lope

Bill Gates says:
"lopeblog" sounds like a contagious disease

Al Gore says:
in french it would be "L'ope"

Bill Gates says:
in canadian it would be "re-tard"

We'd Like To Spank The Blogcademy

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
hi
i came back

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
I'm glad
because
I was just reading "the Bloggies"
the blog awards

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
what?
DID WE WIN???

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
and I need to know why we didn't win best Asian Blog?
2007 Bloggies

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
we didn't?
but we're HUGE in China!

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
I know
We were robbed

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
we're above awards
we're marlon brando sending sacheen littlefeather to refuse our oscar

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
ok
but
couldn't we at least GO to the show and act bored?
or
make a speech about how awards shows don't matter
like Fiona Apple
or eddie Vedder

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
that's true - it's a great excuse for getting dressed up and getting a closeted gay male celebrity to escort us

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
Yeah, I wanna be a beard

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
but
here's the thing

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
what?

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
our blog shits bloglets bigger than those blogs

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
that is my point
We was robbed

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
do we need to MAKE our point, tho?

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
our point is making no point
or something

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
isn't it enough that the world is littered with blogs not worthy of our colon?
(i am so confused by this converstation)
(converstation)

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
(yah)
(me too)

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
(blogging it up now)

Mediocre Mondays

Wednesday Addams says:
Did you notice that our Monday blogs are the weakest of the week?

Tuesday Weld says:
hi
yes

Wednesday Addams says:
The weekend slows us down

Tuesday Weld says:
yes
it takes a while to get our mojo back

Wednesday Addams says:
yeah
Maybe we could come up with some weekend exercises
to keep us warm

Tuesday Weld says:
or maybe we can just be cool with the fact that we don't bring our A game on Mondays

Wednesday Addams says:
Sure we can...but what about our readers?
they need a little Monday kick

Tuesday Weld says:
if we pander to the readers, they'll get soft
they'll demand perfection all the time
they'll demand blue ribbons just for participating
i think we owe it to our readers not to foster a climate of entitlement

Wednesday Addams says:
so - you are saying that mediocre Mondays are important

Tuesday Weld says:
yes
it's for their own good that we suck on Mondays

Blogging in Real Time: The Black Hole of Calcutta

click on the pic to see it bigger

White Text says:
hey - great show last saturday night

Reddy says:
hey-thanks

White Text says:
hey - remember how we had some beers after the show?

Reddy says:
hey - yes

White Text says:
hey - remember how we blogged in real time over beer?

Reddy says:
hey - I sure do

White Text says:
hey - remember how it was funny cause we were blogging face to face instead of keyboard to keyboard? let's recreate that for our readers

Reddy says:
Hey - hey! great idea

White Text says:
ok
i'll start
"i love our blog"

Reddy says:
"me too"

White Text says:
"hey - listen. this will be hard for you to hear, but it has to be said. you should know that me and the blog got married this weekend"
"we thought about inviting you"

Reddy says:
"[stunned silence]"

White Text says:
"but we figured that we'd just drop the bomb on you in a public place so that you can't freak out or anything"

Reddy says:
"I...uh...."
"don't you think that was sort of rude?"

White Text says:
"no. i think it was wise. the blog loves me best. we didn't want to chance a volatile reaction on your part"

Reddy says:
(I forget what I said next)
(this is why the blog loves you best)

White Text says:
(something about questioning my blog judgment or whatever)
(then scott started being funny at me and I totally lost my train of thought)

Reddy says:
(right...I remember that)

White Text says:
maybe we're not so funny when we blog in real time

Reddy says:
yeah

White Text says:
tho it SEEMED funny at the time

Reddy says:
reading it back it isn't so good

White Text says:
i blame the beer and the Black Hole of Calcutta that was your performance venue

Reddy says:
jesus, that place was hot

White Text says:
so frickin hot
they had ceiling fans
they never turned them on

Reddy says:
I got 3rd degree burns in that place

White Text says:
i scalded my liver

Reddy says:
the sushi I had ordered was completely cooked by the time I got off stage

White Text says:
McDonalds was using that stage as a back up burger warmer

Reddy says:
George Hamilton was evening out his tan while we played

White Text says:
(i'm out)

Reddy says:
(me too)

---------------------

Reasons Why I Love That Pic of Reddy Up There:
a list by White Text

1) Reddy's eyes look piggy
2) There is much redness
3) Reddy looks like she could eat my head in one gulp
4) Reddy's hands look like hooves
5) Reddy's eyes look like sunken DEATH
666) Reddy is the devil and doesn't care who knows it

Blog By Me

Will says:
i love our blog
the map blog has 4 comments
the colonblog has none

River says:
ohh lemme look

Will says:
i think we scared people with the colon blow
blow?

River says:
yah
blow
yeah, I think the readers stopped at Hobbes

Will says:
yah
mistake?
should we unblog it?

River says:
no
they can suck it up
they need to take the good with the bad

Will says:
but
(butt)
we're not here to throw harsh reality in their face
we're "ourimsarefunnierthanyours"
not "ourcolonsaremoreswollenthanyours"

River says:
yeah but
(butt)
sometimes our colons are swollen
and they should stand by us
I don't not want these kind of flat-leavin fans
I want stand by your man fans
STAND BY YOUR BLOG

Will says:
don't not want

River says:
right
I like to keep 'em on their toes

Will says:
i like to keep them upwind of us

River says:
good idea

Colonblogoscopy

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
hi

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
hi

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
hi
my tummy hurts

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
uh oh

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
i hope i don't have an ulcer
i bet i do

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
you thnk?
I thought I did
but I don't
go get checked

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
I have a GI appt next Wednesday

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
good

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
they need to check my butt

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
ohhh


Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
cause of the bleeding

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
butt check

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
but i'll alert them to my tummy too
cause it's getting worse

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
are they doing a full butt/insides check?

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
it's a referral
i told my regular doc about the butt stuff
and he sent me to a gastroenterologist
so i think this appt will be like "hi, I'm rectum, my butt's bleeding and my tummy burns"

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
right

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
and i'll be ezxamined

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
right

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
ezxamined

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
yes

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
and then they will schedule tests for me

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
right
I have had butt checks
I have had more stuff up my butt than george michael at the prom

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
lololol

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
that is what happened to me
colonoscopy, ultra sound, butt check, this check, that check

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
everywhere a check check

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
right
and they said...
here is some medication that you can get at the drug store
then they shoved me out the door

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
TMI Bloggy

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
ok

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
find me a pic

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
ok
listen
I am going to give you some helpful advice
do not google "butt check"

Travelblog (plus)

Easy Rider says:
I have been meaning to ask you
why is your avatar the interstate system?

Fear and Loathing says:
because it is cool
it is a schematic
click here
that's what it looks like up close

Easy Rider says:
yeah, I have always been a big fan of the interstates of America

Fear and Loathing says:
you are mocking me

Easy Rider says:
I am not

Fear and Loathing says:
are too

Easy Rider says:
I have taken a million road trips
and I am always amazed that you can actually get places
I dig it
for real

Fear and Loathing says:
interstate 35 has to be the most boring interstate
Minneapolis, Albert Lea (wth?), Des Moines, Kansas City, Oklahoma City, Dallas, San Antonio....
BORING

Easy Rider says:
I sort of dig on I-80

Fear and Loathing says:
and look at the bee line that I-44 takes between Chicago and Wichita Falls - is that really necessary?

Easy Rider says:
no, they over did it there
what are your thoughts on I-40?

Fear and Loathing says:
I-40 looks like an excellent interstate upon which to get ambushed by the "Deliverance" hicks

Easy Rider says:
yeah, but you got your Smokey Mountains and later on your red sands of NM

Fear and Loathing says:
still

Easy Rider says:
just keep the doors locked

Fear and Loathing says:
exactly

Easy Rider says:
and the windows up
and travel armed
plus, you can say hi to Elvis

Fear and Loathing says:
what do you think of the I-71 through I-81 cluster?

Easy Rider says:
a little messy
plus
who wants to go to any of those places?

Fear and Loathing says:
yeah, i'm just not so sure that all that many people are clamoring to drive through Ohio
(I think we blogged)

Easy Rider says:
yup
rat-a-tat
plus
this one is educational

Editor's note: There will be a special prize for the person who correctly sums up the number of times Reddy says "plus" in this post.

Sweet Blogs Are Made Of This

Annie Lennox says:
I had a dream last night

Dave Stewart says:
oooo!
tell

Annie Lennox says:
where I was having dinner with my boss and Sandra Bernhard

Dave Stewart says:
lol

Annie Lennox says:
and instead of ordering off the menu, I just ate my credit cards

Dave Stewart says:
lolol!!
you ate your credit cards?

Annie Lennox says:
yes

Dave Stewart says:
were they nutritious?

Annie Lennox says:
crunch crunch
a little tough
Sandra Berhard said I didn't have to eat them, and that she would buy me something
but I really wanted to eat my credit cards

Dave Stewart says:
sprinkle some mango ginger vinaigrette on them

Annie Lennox says:
exactly

Dave Stewart says:
lol
what did your boss think of all this?

Annie Lennox says:
he didn't say anything
he was just eating

Dave Stewart says:
oh
wanna hear about my dream?

Annie Lennox says:
yes

Dave Stewart says:
i dreamt that Prince William offered to drive me to my podiatry appt this morning
but when I got up, i felt like walking

Annie Lennox says:
hahaahaha

Dave Stewart says:
so i called Prince William's cell phone
and I go, "uh, hi, Prince William?"
and some royal flunky goes "no, may I ask who's calling?"
so i tell him who I am and what I'm calling about
and he goes "right - hang on" then covers the mouthpiece and screams out "WILLIAM!!!! PHONE!!!!"

Annie Lennox says:
lol

Dave Stewart says:
then his private secretary gets on
and i explain who I am and why I'm calling (ie I don't need a ride to the podiatrist) and the private secretary goes "so veddy sorry, he's already left to pick you up"
and then the dream ended

Annie Lennox says:
here is what I like about your dreams
they are linear, yet absurdly cast

Dave Stewart says:
lol

Mugs and Jugs

Megalomaniac says:
todd's latest what's happening has me peeing

Innocent Bystander says:
he is so funny
THAT is how you write a personal blog
no ego byullshit
byullshit

Megalomaniac says:
bee-YOOL-SHIT!!
i am trying to badger him into sending me a coffee cup
do you think he will send me a coffee cup?

Innocent Bystander says:
yes

Megalomaniac says:
i sent him an email asking him what I had to do to have a coffee cup sent to me
and he emailed me back and said "win bingo"
so i clarified myself
i said "i don't actually want to DO anything, I just want the mug to appear on my doorstep. So, I guess what i meant to say is what do YOU have to do to make sure I have a mug?"

Innocent Bystander says:
ha

Megalomaniac says:
he didn't email me back
so i sent him a fake bingo card


Innocent Bystander says:
haahhaha
your card is great
he has to send you one now

Megalomaniac says:
thank you
i think we need to blog this
not because it's funny
but because it will keep the pressure on him to give me a mug. publicly.

Megalomaniac says:
and we can periodically revisit my attempts (or non attempts) to get a mug from him
we can create a sidebar thingy "did white text get her mug yet?"
and then under that:
"no"
just like that

Innocent Bystander says:
I think our other readers will not enjoy this inside joke
make it a separate thing
not an official blog entry

Megalomaniac says:
listen
i am not above using the blog for personal gain
and considering that I do all the work, i think you can give me THIS ONE THING
I want a goddamn mug
I DESERVE A GODDAMN MUG
and todd better give me one

Innocent Bystander says:
I think you will do whatever you want because you are the boss of the blog

Megalomaniac says:
don't you dare try to make me feel like I am using my powers for evil
cause i will smite you

Innocent Bystander says:
I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself
good
and hard

Megalomaniac says:
i will smite you faster than antonella barba can whip off her tank top

Innocent Bystander says:
That is fast

Megalomaniac says:
it is so fast, it is invisible to the naked eye
get it?
naked
you get so much bang for your joke buck with me
this is why i deserve a mug

Innocent Bystander says:
I like to call her Atonalella
has anyone used that yet?

Megalomaniac says:
no

Innocent Bystander says:
use it

Megalomaniac says:
i like to call her Suckafella

Innocent Bystander says:
ha
I like to call her anytime

Megalomaniac says:
i smell some Reddy photoshops in Suckafella's future

Innocent Bystander says:
ha
I don't even think she is that hot
she's ok
she is no McPhee

Megalomaniac says:
hold on
i gotta blog some of this up

Innocent Bystander says:
it is a mess
take the good bits
edit it up, but show your work
what's my name?

Megalomaniac says:
ummm
i dunno
you were an innocent bystander in this one
i was a megalomaniac

Innocent Bystander says:
There they are

Megalomaniac says:
OK i'm cleaning it up
this is gonna take some work

Innocent Bystander says:
yes, this blog is filthy