Blah Blah Blahg

2009-09-14T11:40:00.003-04:00

White Text says:
Hi
I was parking my car this morning
and Kanye West pulled up
and said
"I'll let you finish, but that guy over there parked his car SO MUCH BETTER".

Reddy says:
that's funny
because
I was getting dressed this morning
and Kanye West came into my bathroom
and said
listen, you look ok, but BEYONCE IS THE BEST LOOKING WOMAN ON EARTH!

White Text says:
that's really funny
because
I went downstairs to the vending machine
and i was putting my quarters in to get a soda
and Kanye West came up and grabbed the other quarters out of my hand and beckoned to Beyonce and said "c'mere baby. show this amateur how a PROFESSIONAL feeds quarters into a vending machine"

Reddy says:
ok, spooky
because
this morning I was getting on the subway
and Kanye West jumped up and demanded I give my seat to Beyonce
then
he pushed Taylor Swift off the train

White Text says:
it's freaky
cause I was talking to Taylor Swift
when Kanye came up and told me I don't care about black people
wait
sorry
wrong juvenile outburst

Jon and Kate + I lost count

2009-05-28T13:21:00.003-04:00

Jon says:
i don't think i could get a reality show
i'm not weird enough

Kate says:
me neither
I'm not crazy enough
I am kind of boring
the show would be me walking my dog and watching Iron Chef

Jon says:
me too

Kate says:
not a good show

Jon says:
my show would be me doing laundry and playing with my iPhone

Kate says:
will she use one or two Bounce sheets?
stay tuned!
not a ratings grabber

Jon says:
yeah

Kate says:
They could do a full hour of me wandering around Home Depot looking at gardening tools
but
no one would watch

Jon says:
i could have a camera crew film me sorting my bills
that won't compete with Lost, tho

Kate says:
They could do a Very Special Episode of me drinking a beer and reading Vermont Life Magazine.
but no one would text 5701 to vote for that

Jon says:
they could have a cliffhanger with me having to make the agonizing decision between going to bed and staying up to watch Letterman
but that's no "who shot JR?"

Kate says:
maybe we shouldn't get a show

Jon says:
that's what I'm thinking

We Can't Think Of a Title For This One

2009-02-11T12:26:00.002-05:00

Maytag says:
Facebook is suggesting I should become a fan of laundry detergent

Kenmore says:
me too

Maytag says:
I mean

Kenmore says:
i know

Maytag says:
I like laundry detergent
and I use it
but

Kenmore says:
yeah
too much

Maytag says:
I'm not sure than I am a fan of it

Kenmore says:
i can't get worked up over it
it's there
i use it
it doesn't need the celebrity

Maytag says:
I don't have a single poster of laundry detergent on my bedroom wall

Kenmore says:
i don't have RSS feeds set up to tell me when laundry detergent is in the news

Maytag says:
I don't follow it from city to city in a van with my friends

Kenmore says:
i haven't turned down a date because laundry detergent is on TV and I NEED to watch

Maytag says:
I have not named any of my pets after laundry detergent

Kenmore says:
i have never been inside a laundry detergent convention

Maytag says:
I have never waited outside laundry detergent's hotel

Kenmore says:
i have never drawn hearts around my name and laundry detergent's on my Trapper Keeper

Maytag says:
I think I will ignore Facebook's suggestion

Kenmore says:
me too

Date Blape

2009-01-09T12:04:00.002-05:00

Bad Touch says:
hi

Good Touch says:
hi

Bad Touch says:
we have not blogged for 09

Good Touch says:
i know
i am not in a blogging mood
sorry
today is bad for blogging

Bad Touch says:
you have to feel it
can't force it

Good Touch says:
right

Bad Touch says:
I will never force you to blog when you aren't in the mood

Good Touch says:
what is it called when you force blog? blape?

Bad Touch says:
I think so
date blape

Good Touch says:
yeah
(blog)

Bad Touch says:
lol
ok

Good Touch says:
it's short
but it will do

Bad Touch says:
ease into the new year

iBlog

2008-12-03T16:13:00.003-05:00

Ludacris says:
hi

Bruce says:
hi

Ludacris says:
how are you

Bruce says:
I am fine

Ludacris says:
great

Bruce says:
how are you?

Ludacris says:
fine thanks

Bruce says:
good

Ludacris says:
i am in love with my iPhone

Bruce says:
does it love you back?

Ludacris says:
it does everything i tell it to do and it doesn't leave the toilet seat up or leave dirty socks on the floor. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

Bruce says:
I am happy you have found true love

Ludacris says:
i am currently browsing through iTunes, looking for a phone app that will pick my nose for me

Bruce says:
I want you to be prepared for the day the honeymoon ends
when you get the blue screen sad mac face

Ludacris says:
look
don't harsh my buzz

Bruce says:
I just want you to be ready

Ludacris says:
in the words of ELO
don't bring me down, bruce

Bruce says:
BRUCE?
who is Bruce?

Ludacris says:
you

Bruce says:
oh
right
I want you to be happy
but
these kinds of relationships are hard
and
sometimes
things happen

Ludacris says:
in the words of Ludacris
Get back mutha-effa, you don't know me like dat

Bruce says:
I like that you have quoted Jeff Lynne and Ludacris
you are well-rounded

Ludacris says:
i am
In the words of AC/DC
I've got big balls
(round)

Bruce says:
(got it)

Ludacris says:
(blog?)

Bruce says:
yah
(yay)

Ludacris says:
k

Bruce says:
I am Bruce

Ludacris says:
who am i?

Bruce says:
Jeff Lynne or Ludacris?

Ludacris says:
Ludacris, definitely
ok, now don't post until i get this all copied up and pasted

Bruce says:
ok
wait
title?
iBlog?

Ludacris says:
WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU??

2001 - A Blog Odyssey

2008-10-28T10:57:00.004-04:00

Dave says:
listen

HAL says:
ok

Dave says:
i'm going to need you to talk to MSN for me
MSN's behavior has gotten out of control
first it was randomly signing me in and out

HAL says:
MSN is a Maverick

Dave says:
i can understand that - sometimes things get hectic, you lose track, etc
but when you WILLFULLY neglect to notify me when I have an email, I have to figure darker forces are at work
i've tried to talk to MSN
but MSN isn't listening
MSN refuses to admit that it has a problem

HAL says:
You can't talk to MSN

Dave says:
and that this problem is affecting it's job performance
i think it's time for an intervention

HAL says:
MSN has taken over the ship, Dave

Dave says:
o dear god
~steers this IM into a planet~

HAL says:
You know you can't do that, Dave
MSN is in control

Dave says:
~jumps ship~

HAL says:
~sings that song whatever it is~
~disconnects~

Dave says:
also sprach zarathustra
by strauss
bong
Bong
BONG
BAH BONG!!!!
wham wham wham wham wham wham (timpani)

HAL says:
~floats in space~
~fin~

Dave says:
lol

HAL says:
(blog?)

Dave says:
sure why not

Town Hall Blog

2008-10-08T12:36:00.003-04:00

That One says:
I just blew my nose
and
I could heat my block for a year on what came out

This One says:
you are now energy independent

That One says:
yes

This One says:
i have decided to start calling you "that one"

That One says:
plesse do
plesse

This One says:
plesse
even while you are standing right next to me

That One says:
yeah
and don't look at me when you say it
just point sideways

This One says:
ok

That One says:
and sneer

This One says:
thing is
there's only you and me in this room
so
how do i manage it
?
wait
let me rephrase
there's only me and that one in this room

That One says:
just stare straight ahead
pretend Tom Brokaw is here

This One says:
i love Mumbles Brokaw
i love how he can't pronounce anything

That One says:
me too
he can't say his own name
Bwokaw
I find it charming

This One says:
or can't get anything out without his tongue trying to pummel it to death
and did you know
you have one minute to respond
starting.........NOW

That One says:
First of all
let me say thanks to the troops

This One says:
don't forget to stand uncomfortably close to the audience

That One says:
I might even touch one of them

This One says:
maybe look like you're gonna vault the risers or something

That One says:
It is also possible that I will make jokes that make people feel slightly uncomfortable
but I will laugh

This One says:
at least he didn't call him The Obama

That One says:
That One makes me want to vote for you

This One says:
you are confusing me
who is That One?

That One says:
you

This One says:
I thought Keanu Reeves was The One

That One says:
he is THE One Obama is THAT One

This One says:
Which one?

That One says:
That One
but
not This One

This One says:
wait
Any One?

That One says:
Only One

This One says:
(blog)

Short Blogtention Span

2008-09-23T13:27:00.002-04:00

Reddy says:
why was I logged out?

White Text says:
the Large Hadron Collider

Reddy says:
oh
of coures
coures

White Text says:
coures
listen
i tried to keep a list of all the shit we had to talk about
but
i got lazy
and
i forget stuff

Reddy says:
me too

White Text says:
i also sort of lost interest
i mean
not to sound disloyal or anything
but hey
i can't keep track of shit for you when you go gallivanting off to Vermont

Reddy says:
I hear ya
we are in the moment kind of girls

White Text says:
right
we are the poster children for low attention spans

Reddy says:
exactly

White Text says:
what?

Reddy says:
huh?
anyhoo
I have to pee

Lugnut & Scooter

2008-09-04T13:31:00.002-04:00

Blah Blah Blahg generally disapproves of blogging about politics and elections, mostly because we don't understand it (them?) and it (they?) doesn't (don't?) have a beat and you can't dance to it (yadda), but we thought it was our civic duty to watch the moose-killer's speech to the RNC last night...

Reddy says:
ok
I watched it
I didn't puke
I belched a few times
but no actual puke came up
so
VOTE FOR PALIN!

White Text says:
you've been turned
you've been brainwashed
i am calling the intervention people

Reddy says:
well, I figured if I didn't vomit up my lunch...
like
if Bush gives a speech and doesn't pee his pants and fall down, then it is a success
I guess I have lowered the bar
also
I am no longer gay
and
I am pregnant with twins
I will call them Lugnut and Scooter

White Text says:
don't forget you just shot a squirrel for lunch
LOLOLOL@ names!

Reddy says:
Luggy
for short

Blogging For the Gold

2008-08-13T08:37:00.004-04:00

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
hi
did you see my town float by last night?

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says:
I did
did you see me wave?

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
i saw a tiny speck wave a drumstick
was that you?

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says::
it was

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
cool

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says:
then Phelps swam by and his wake knocked me off my stool

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
lololol
did you see him swim?

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says:
I did
it was awesome
OLYMPIC FEVER

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
did they fit an outboard motor to his anus?

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says:
I think so
I can't believe how fast he was

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
he finished, read war and peace, filed his income taxes and got married and divorced before any of the other competitors finished

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says:
He made a sandwich, drove to Texas, and watched the Godfather Trilogy before the others were done

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
he did something that took a really long time, did another thing that took a really long time, and then did something else that took a really long time and then the others finished

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says:
yah
it was fast

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
(i was out of ideas)

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says:
(me too)

---------------------------

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
i am not neglecting our blog

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says:
I don't think you are
our blog is a team effort
like the men's swimming relay race

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
right
like the relay
sometimes i am at the sidelines, with my lycra suit down at my ankles, cheering you on

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says:
right
and sometimes I am peeing in the pool

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
right
and sometimes I am standing there breathing out of my mouth like a gap jawed retard and i'm picking my nose because i don't know the camera is on me

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says:
right
and sometimes I shave my chest, not because it helps stop the drag in the pool, but because I like to feel silky smooth and pretty

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
right
and sometimes, I light matches off my hipbones, cause it's just easier

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says:
right
and sometimes I wear my speedo around the house cuz I like the way it hugs my package

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says::
(i'm out)

Little No-Talent Lip Sync-er says:
(blog?)

Ugly, Yet Talented Little Chinese Girl says:
(yeah)

Federal Blog of Investigation

2008-07-30T11:50:00.004-04:00

Lori Petty says:
The FBI just called me

My Sister says:
no they didn't

Lori Petty says:
[redacted] is going to be clerking for a judge in [a place]
they are doing security checks
he put me as a reference
so
an FBI agent is coming to my office tomorrow
if he doesn't yell "I AM AN FBI AGENT"
and then take me surfing
I will be disappointed

My Sister says:
lolol

Lori Petty says:
I think I will wear a wet suit for the interview
so he knows I am down

My Sister says:
what will you do if he looks like keanu?

Lori Petty says:
call him dude?

My Sister says:
are you going to talk into your lapel at odd moments?

Lori Petty says:
yes

My Sister says:
can your watch make digital sounds that may or may not sound like a high tech bomb?

Lori Petty says:
yes, and I will sweat a lot
and glance nervously to my left a bunch

My Sister says:
if it doesn't, i can lend you my watch that plays a digital rendition of the theme to the Mickey Mouse Club

Lori Petty says:
ok
cool
in the middle of a question, I will suddenly stand up and jump out my window

My Sister says:
keep asking "is it safe?" and glance around

Lori Petty says:
yeah

My Sister says:
and then rip out his teeth
like larry olivier and dustin hoffman in Marathon Man

Lori Petty says:
right

My Sister says:
also
i could probably get nondescript sunglasses wearing guys to trail you
they may or may not be spies
do you want them to be vaguely eastern european looking?
or do you perfer chinese?

Lori Petty says:
I like sort of Russian with pony tails

My Sister says:
the eastern european guys will cost more(it's because of the hair gel)
you can get the chinese guys cheap

Lori Petty says:
chinese is good

My Sister says:
BUT the russian guys are more menacing
so it's a toss up

Lori Petty says:
how about vaguely Arab?

My Sister says:
ooooo

Lori Petty says:
any middle eastern look is good

My Sister says:
i'll see what i can do
also
for the car chase
i can get you a 73 Nova and a hyundai elantra
sorry
matt damon has the bmw

Lori Petty says:
that's cool
the Nova has a hipster retro cool thing about it

My Sister says:
wait
sorry
shia laboeuf just totalled the nova
i can get you a plymouth horizon hatchback

Lori Petty says:
that should blow up on impact
perfect

Friday shortie

2008-07-25T11:07:00.002-04:00

White Text says:
hi
listen
let's say i was eliot spitzer's hooker
and i've been trying to avoid the media
so
i decide on a wardrobe that helps me blend in with the crowd
like this:

why do people keep bothering me? I'm trying to be invisible!

Reddy says:
I just don't understand all the attention!
CAN'T I JUST TALK ON THE PHONE IN MY LEATHER HOT PANTS ONESIE AND HOOKER HEELS IN PRIVATE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREETS OF MANHATTAN!!!???

White Text says:
GAWD!!!

Reddy says:
(nice legs though, spitzer hooker)

A Typical Day At The Office

2008-07-22T10:05:00.005-04:00

Peter Parker says:
I have a goddamned meeting at 10
conf call
lord how I hate the confercne call
conferdvece

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
stop it with the conference calls already
if you get bored, i have a new blog entry
it's pure geekiness

Peter Parker says:
ok
I will be mostly listening and napping during it
so
I might logged in
logegd
nevermind

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
be
^
that's what you needed
you needed a verb

Peter Parker says:
thatnsk
oh lord

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
lolol

Peter Parker says:
the typing is not going well

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
you've been eating my hydrocodone

Peter Parker says:
ok gotta call in

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
bye

Peter Parker says:
bey
oh jeeezxe
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there is a spider and a silver fish on my desk
INFESTATION!!!!!

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL IT!!!!!

Peter Parker says:
if they bite me, I will become a very strange super hero
why are there two bugs???
at the SAME TIME!!!!!
HELLLLPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
rn away
rn away NOW
rn

Peter Parker says:
I flicked it
the silver fish

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
AAAAAAA~!!!!!

Peter Parker says:
I FLICKED IT ACROSS THE ROOM
but

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
disinfect your finger!!! DISINFECT YORU GINGIGNWER!
what?

Peter Parker says:
I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT WENT!!!
lolololol
"YORU GINGIGNWER"
is the best name of all time

Yelly Newspaper Boss says:
lololololol
(blog)

Peter Parker says:
yah

Gross Out Contest Part 18545

2008-06-13T10:18:00.003-04:00

BM says:
hi

PMS says:
hi boo boo

BM says:
I am about to win the gross out game
ready?

PMS says:
go
you win
just the sight of you typing makes me sick

BM says:
lol
can I tell you the gross out?
or should I leave it alone
keep my gross moment for me
and only me

PMS says:
go

BM says:
ok
the other day I had really bad diarrhea, so I took some Pepto Bismol, I feel much better now (thanks for asking) but my poop is black

PMS says:
when is the gross out part coming?

BM says:
well, I figure that is enough
I remember once you told me something about your period that was really gross, so maybe you win

PMS says:
clots

BM says:
yeah

PMS says:
clots the size of small poodles

BM says:
right

PMS says:
and they were brown
and sometimes stringy
~pukes~

BM says:
let's go ahead and not blog this chat
deal?

PMS says:
lol
ok

Dingbat

2008-05-27T15:18:00.003-04:00

Double D says:
hi
I am busy6 today
busy6 is very busy
busy9 is very, very busy
anyway
hi

Ding Crosby says:
hi
i see how it is
you're offline all day
then you think it's cool to login when the day is mostly over
to say you're too busy to talk
i get it
fine
hi

Double D says:
I logged in at 11:30ish
and
hi

Ding Crosby says:
listen
don't get defensive
i've used the same tactic

Double D says:
listen
what I said is true
I've been logged in for hours
and
hi

Ding Crosby says:
so how come you waited until 3 to ding me?
this is a dishonest ding
a faux ding

Double D says:
busy
this ding is as good as any ding
I wanted to say hi
I had a minute
so I dinged

Ding Crosby says:
and i said hi
but please acknowledge the flimsy basis of your ding

Double D says:
I stand by my ding

Ding Crosby says:
(ps you are making me laugh so hard)

Double D says:
ding

Ding Crosby says:
(it's not the ding itself that is making me laugh, it's your stubborn and defiant defense of your ding that is making me laugh)
defiant defense
is that redundant?

Double D says:
redingdant

A Blog in Two Acts

2008-05-22T09:55:00.003-04:00

ACT ONE:

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
so
this morning I went to get a cup of coffee across the street from my office
the place I always go
and
I paid the woman
she handed me change
and said, "Thank you sir"
now
I know I don't look like Pamela Anderson
but
Sir?
really?

Sussudio says:
what?
that's totally stupid
here are the reasons why

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
Son, maybe
Young man...

Sussudio says:
i have a list

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
sure

Sussudio says:
ready?

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
but Sir
ok
yes

Sussudio says:
1) you are too short to be a man. Men are required to be at least 5'5"
2) you have boobs that readily apparent
3) not to mention a spacious badonkadonk
4) then there's the whole "I'm wearing makeup, idiot" thing, but most emo kids wear makeup so that doesn't really signify
5) your total lack of adams apple and razor stubble

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
good list
may I respond?

Sussudio says:
sure

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
1) Prince
2) Simon Cowell
3) Don't ever say 'bodonkadonk again, it's weird
4) uh...you covered it with emo kids
5) I didn't shave today

Sussudio says:
lol
all valid points

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
thanks

ACT TWO:

Sussudio says:
guess what's on the radio

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
Joureny?

Sussudio says:
Phil collins - Against all Odds

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
um...
you now what I mean
oh
I hate that song

Sussudio says:
AND YOU COMING BACK TO ME!! IS AGAINST THE ODDS!!!!!
i am fond of the song for it's camp value
i remember when it SPOKE TO ME

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT ME NAHHH-AH--OW!!!

Sussudio says:
back when I was a dateless preteen who had never had a relationship
but

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
I remember dancing to that song in highschool

Sussudio says:
i was so dramatic back then

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
right
I remember pretending to be moved by that song
because I was dramatic too

Sussudio says:
that's the difference between you and me
that song made me cry
it make you want to pretend to cry

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
exactly
that is us
Thank you Phil Colins

Sussudio says:
yup
i am real
you pretend to be real
infact

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
there it is

Sussudio says:
you might not even exist

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
If that is true then who are you talking to?

Sussudio says:
good point

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
If I am pretending to be real and you are real and talking to me maybe you are pretending that I am pretending to be real

Sussudio says:
but wait

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
I just went cross eyed

Sussudio says:
what if you are just pretending to ask that question

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
well
If I am pretending to be real and you are really pretending that I am real then it is in fact you that is pretending to pretend to ask that question

Sussudio says:
no

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
I just passed out

Sussudio says:
i am responding to pretense
i should stop doing that

Sir Pamela Anderson says:
you really should

Happy Birth(blog)day, VB!!

2008-05-19T12:17:00.003-04:00

Lorne Green says:
hi

William Shatner says:
hello indeed
today is VB's b-day
i wrote her a poem
it is called "VB, my VB!"

Lorne Green says:
nice
let's hear it

William Shatner says:
it goes a little something like this:
"You are wonderful
you are tall
you eat meat
you sometimes fall
I am your friend
through and through
you can count on me
to fart and poo"
(the end)

Lorne Green says:
that is really something

William Shatner says:
i could write more, but the florist only allowed 150 characters

Lorne Green says:
lolol
I sent her this email...

A very tall and handsome bird dropped a hint or two via email on Friday about today being some sort of special day. He is right. Happy Victoria Day!

In Canada on "Victoria Day Weekend" AKA "Fête de la Reine", AKA "May Two-Four Weekend", everybody drinks too much beer and throws up in the woods.

I will do the same for your birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I thought it was nice

William Shatner says:
lol@ too much beer and throw up in the woods
that's extremely thoughtful

Lorne Green says:
it is true
I agree

William Shatner says:
if it were me, and if i were canadian, i'd outdo all you canadians
i'd drink too much beer and throw up on a moose

Lorne Green says:
would you climb a tree and throw up from above the moose?

William Shatner says:
no

Lorne Green says:
or just throw up on its foot

William Shatner says:
i would stand next to it and throw up on it's side
wait
aren't mooses stupidly tall?
would I reach the side of a moose?

Lorne Green says:
moose are very tall, yes
why don't you throw up on me instead
I am as Canadian as any mosse
mosse
but shorter

William Shatner says:
i'd like to throw up on something more emblematically canadian
like celine dion
or a beaver
or doug mckenzie
or milque-toasty pacifism

Lorne Green says:
you could eat maple syrup and throw up on some pancakes

William Shatner says:
nah

Lorne Green says:
you're right
Celine it is

William Shatner says:
we need to blog this for VB

Lorne Green says:
ok

William Shatner says:
she's our best reader

Lorne Green says:
she is
loyal

William Shatner says:
(best = only)

Lorne Green says:
right
ok
blog it up
what's your name?

William Shatner says:
if it weren't for her, we'd have no readership
hold on!
it's her birthday, dammit!

Lorne Green says:
ok
oh

William Shatner says:
this calls for extra special blogging

Lorne Green says:
good point
but
I already promised her forest vomit

William Shatner says:
oh

Lorne Green says:
what else does she need??

William Shatner says:
better get cracking then.

2008-05-08T11:51:00.003-04:00

Tak Ling says:
listen
the next time you take a day off and don't tell me, i'll do something drastic
like sit here and fume
do you want that on your conscience?
and
hi

Toe Ach says:
sorry
I forgot I had the senior center gig again
the old people need me
and
they are some funky, rockin oldies

Tak Ling says:
riiiiight. throw the wrinklies under the bus

Toe Ach says:
is that a euphemism?

Tak Ling says:
for?
mom was asking about you last night
i told her your neuro guy said he didn't see anything that frightened him
she is still worried for you

Toe Ach says:
well, thank mom for me
but I feel fine
'cept for the voices
I was electrocuted yesterday, though

Tak Ling says:
i love that!

Toe Ach says:
We were moving the bed

Tak Ling says:
not in PT?
home electrocuted?

Toe Ach says:
(we got new furniture!)
yah

Tak Ling says:
is your arm better?

Toe Ach says:
Anyway

Tak Ling says:
(yay new furniture!)

Toe Ach says:
no, but
I can bend spoons with my mind

Tak Ling says:
ok Uri

Toe Ach says:
the trick is
there is no spoon
anyway

Tak Ling says:
anyway

Toe Ach says:
I was standing on the power strip thing

Tak Ling says:
may i interject??
please?

Toe Ach says:
(Apparently...I didn't know I was)
and I touched the metal bed frame
and POW
ZOOMY

Tak Ling says:
may i interject?

Toe Ach says:
straight up my arm
it was sort of cool
oh
sure

Tak Ling says:
excuse me?
you are a moron
for standing on the power strip

Toe Ach says:
true

Tak Ling says:
ok
continue
oh wait

Toe Ach says:
yeah I was sort of jammed between the wall and the bed

Tak Ling says:
listen
i told mom that The Swank was abandoning you to move to Spain
and she said "they don't have toilets in Spain"
i kid you not

Toe Ach says:
haha

Tak Ling says:
i did not prompt her or rehearse her

Toe Ach says:
I love your mom
so much

Tak Ling says:
mom is good
she is funny

Toe Ach says:
she is

Tak Ling says:
how is your mom?
and
i have to say
your typing is better since you got zapped

Toe Ach says:
yeah
I'm not even touching the keys
I'm doing it
with my MIND

Tak Ling says:
i have to pee

Toe Ach says:
oh
and
my mom is well
she is moving this week
and keeps calling to ask if I want something such and such that has been in a box since 1994
I don't
she asked if my nephew could have my turntable
and, by the way, does it work
I haven't seen that turntable since 1991 or so

Tak Ling says:
hi
i'm back

Toe Ach says:
I told her if there is a time machine in that box, I will go back to 1991 to see if it works

Tak Ling says:
i love you mom
your

Toe Ach says:
I love you too dear
oh

Tak Ling says:
i am not implying that you are my mom

Toe Ach says:
I thought you were calling me mom

Tak Ling says:
it was a typo

Toe Ach says:
oh
well

Tak Ling says:
but thanks for calling me dear

Toe Ach says:
I enjoyed having you as my daughter for one second there
it gave me purpose

Tak Ling says:
awww
the typo robbed you of your motherhood

Toe Ach says:
go back and read this IM
from the start
it is funny

Tak Ling says:
(and freed me from having to buy you a mother's day card)
this IM is extremely disjointed

Toe Ach says:
yeah
I like it

Tak Ling says:
it's like we're not even takling toeach other

Toe Ach says:
yah

Tak Ling says:
holy typos batman

Toe Ach says:
I like when we do that

Tak Ling says:
me too

Toe Ach says:
toe ach
tak ling

Tak Ling says:
lol

Toe Ach says:
we should blog this
all of it
I'll be Toe Ach
You be Tak Ling

Tak Ling says:
ok

Bloggal Warming

2008-04-23T12:46:00.002-04:00

That Indian (sorry, Native American) That Cried On That Commercial In The 70's says:
hi
what were we talking about?

Al Gore says:
hi
I forget

That Indian (sorry, Native American) That Cried On That Commercial In The 70's says:
oh
me too

Al Gore says:
what did you do for earth day?

That Indian (sorry, Native American) That Cried On That Commercial In The 70's says:
i tossed a piece of gum out the window of our rental car
sorry, earth

Al Gore says:
I burned down an entire forest
my bad, earth

That Indian (sorry, Native American) That Cried On That Commercial In The 70's says:
i poured industrial solvents into the hudson
oopsy daisy, earth

Al Gore says:
I turned on the AC and opened all the windows
getcha next time, earth

That Indian (sorry, Native American) That Cried On That Commercial In The 70's says:
i accidentally left the space heater on in Greenland
sorry, coastal flooded areas

Al Gore says:
I punched a drowning polar bear right in the face
simmer down, PETA

That Indian (sorry, Native American) That Cried On That Commercial In The 70's says:
lolol
you win

Drum Key & Tomato

2008-04-01T10:58:00.002-04:00

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
hi

Dr. Drew says:
stop being a roller skate key

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
ok
I'll be a drum key
there

Dr. Drew says:
it looks like an intra-uterine device

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
I have a doc appointment today

Dr. Drew says:
NO! you are not sick!
don't be sick!

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
I'm not
my arm is F'd

Dr. Drew says:
who f'd your arm up?

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
there is something wrong with my right arm/shoulder
I don't really know
but it hurts

Dr. Drew says:
you have bursitis

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
and it doesn't work right

Dr. Drew says:
you have bursitis

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
I think it is a mouse thing

Dr. Drew says:
bursitis

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
I do?

Dr. Drew says:
bursitis
there
i didn't even charge you a copay

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
is that a repetitive stress thing?
I think that might be it
you are really good at this

Dr. Drew says:
yep

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
you should write for WebMD

Dr. Drew says:
nah
that's for amateurs

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
well, at least take the co-pay
I'll send you 15 bucks

Dr. Drew says:
no
don't do it
i don't charge my friends

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
ok, well thanks
will I need PT? rest?
what do I do?

Dr. Drew says:
oh - just stop doing whatever it was you were doing to f your arm up

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
ok
punching orphans is fun though

Dr. Drew says:
well, you can punch orphans
you just can't do it repetitively

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
got it

Dr. Drew says:
try to cut down on your orphan portion size
i will ask one thing in lieu of the copay

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
ok

Dr. Drew says:
the thing i need you to do is - stop being a drum key

That One Armed Drummer Dude from Def Leppard says:
am I a tomato?

Dr. Drew says:
you are a tomato

"I AM THE KING OF ENGLAND!"

2008-03-31T11:37:00.004-04:00

Stubby says:
I just crushed my fingers in a filing cabinet
let me tell you
it doesn't feel good

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
i bet the filing cabinet feels great about it
think of it that way

Stubby says:
yup
it totally did it on purpose

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
you have brought pleasure to a file cabinet's bleak existence

Stubby says:
you're right
I feel fine niw
I will typo much more now
so there is that
the entertainment fator

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
you are so magnanimous

Stubby says:
fator

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
fator

Stubby says:
niw

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
niw

Stubby says:
it is the middle finger of the my right hand

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
show it to your boss
hold it up and say "what are you going to do about it?"

Stubby says:
I show him that finger often

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
heh

Stubby says:
heh
at first it was like "oh, it isn't that bad"
then
pow
pain
I sort of doubled over
the delay was weird
it took a minute for my brain to register

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
it's a lot of signals for your brain to process
let me give you a summary of what happens at the nerve level

Stubby says:
ok

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
you bang your finger
instantly, the nerve in the finger goes "what the....?" and sends out scouts to see what happened
the scouts go out, take a look at the damage, and go "holy shit...you tell the boss" "no, YOU tell the boss" and they fight all the way back to the nerve about who is going to give the damage report.
then, when they get back to the nerve and tell him, the nerve goes "fuck! Shit!" and kills both the scouts and recruits a bunch more scout to send the message up to the brain
then THOSE scouts head up to the brain, but they're TOTALLY traumatized by the killing of the first 2 scouts, so they are spreading sedition all along the way, getting the general populace into an uproar
meanwhile, the brain is like "la dee dah I wonder when was the last time I gave the order to poop" and the scouts burst in the door and are all breathless and tell the brain what happened and that probably by this time the finger has fallen off (which isn't true, but the brain doesn't know that yet
so the brain kills THOSE scouts and sends all the friggin troops down the nerve, and those troops have to kill all the general populace that are in an uproar and then they get to the finger and see that the damage isn't THAT bad, but they still gotta do something, so they make it throb and you have to bend over and clutch your arm and hand and shake it out because of all the senseless scout killings
the end

Stubby says:
I really enjoyed that
that should be a show on Showtime

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
it's all true

Stubby says:
it is better than The Tudors
seriously
pitch it to HBO
I was on the edge of my seat

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
lololol

Stubby says:
(blog?)

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
the whole thing?

Stubby says:
sure
your story is great!

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
it wasn't THAT great

Stubby says:
I enjoyed it
probably cuz it felt so REAL to me

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
ok
you can be Stubby

Stubby says:
lol

Jonathan Rhys Meyers says:
I will be Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Stubby says:
lolol
I like to watch the Tudors because I like to think of Jonathan Rhys Meyers as a really butch girl doin it with that wicked hot anne Boleyn
I said that to The Missus
and she said "totally"
I lold
and I like when he yells "I'M THE KING OF ENGLAND!!" in the promo
I like to yell that sometimes around the house when I don't get my way

Blogsitentialist

2008-03-18T13:09:00.002-04:00

Geraldine Ferraro says:
hi
we are busy here
but I must go gymming

Jeremiah Was A BullHORN says:
we are too
"bye"

Geraldine Ferraro says:
did whatshisface make his scrabble move yet?

Jeremiah Was A BullHORN says:
ya
he got back in gear

Geraldine Ferraro says:
high score?

Jeremiah Was A BullHORN says:
me! I have the high score
it's 201 to 181 right now

Geraldine Ferraro says:
ohhh still a tight race
but you have an edge
you are Obama to his Hillary

Jeremiah Was A BullHORN says:
yes
but without the crazy pastor

Geraldine Ferraro says:
and you know, that whole black thing he has going on
but you didn't hear it from me
because I am not a racist

Jeremiah Was A BullHORN says:
i am more offended by him screaming at me
cause i am not a racist
no one likes to be screamed at

Geraldine Ferraro says:
god
you are such a speechist

Jeremiah Was A BullHORN says:
i am offended by your tone

Geraldine Ferraro says:
tonist

Jeremiah Was A BullHORN says:
i am offended by your pigeonholing

Geraldine Ferraro says:
pigeonholist

Jeremiah Was A BullHORN says:
i am offended by your repetitious schtick

Geraldine Ferraro says:
schtickist
(that was hard to type)

Jeremiah Was A BullHORN says:
i am offended by your existence

Geraldine Ferraro says:
exist

Jeremiah Was A BullHORN says:
lolo

Geraldine Ferraro says:
ist

Jeremiah Was A BullHORN says:
l

Geraldine Ferraro says:
lolol

Jeremiah Was A BullHORN says:
get out of here

Geraldine Ferraro says:
ok
I'm going
bye!

Warning: R Rated Blog Ahead

2008-03-14T10:43:00.003-04:00

Qwerty says:
i am playing online scrabble right now with a guy friend
i just played "vagina"
i win

Yuiop says:
game over

Qwerty says:
done

Yuiop says:
there is no topping vagina
wait...

Qwerty says:
lololol

Yuiop says:
did he concede?

Qwerty says:
he hasn't made a move yet

Yuiop says:
or he is afraid of the vag

Qwerty says:
hmmm
he loves the boobs

Yuiop says:
the vagina stopped him dead in his tracks

Qwerty says:
do you really think the vag scares him?

Yuiop says:
I think the word might scare him

Qwerty says:
i mean, i'd be pretty shocked if a vag got slapped down on a board in front of me
it would take me a minute to regroup

Yuiop says:
exactlt

Qwerty says::
and figure out how to use the vag to triple my score

Yuiop says:
exactltltt

Qwerty says:
i'd be testing out different scenarios on the vag

Yuiop says:
you should always use the vag to your advantage

Qwerty says:
i'd be seeing which combinations would best exploit the vag to put me ahead in the game
so that's probably what he's doing too

Yuiop says:
he is working around the vag
figuring how to work his pieces into it

Qwerty says:
lololololol
i have to poop

Yuiop says:
ok
(was that a blog or too vaggy?)

Qwerty says:
too vaggy

Yuiop says:
not pg-13 enough

Qwerty says:
right

Yuiop says:
it's probably good
I didn't want to google "vagina"
not at work

Qwerty says:
yeah

~later on~

Qwerty says:
he played "tears" at the end of vagina
turning it into vaginas

Yuiop says:
he is greedy
he wants more than one vagina

Qwerty says:
i guess that's sublmiminal
all his experiences with vaginas end in tears

Yuiop says:
lolol
(I wish we could blog this)
(it is funny)

Qwerty says:
(i know)
lolol
ok
it's going up

Yuiop says:
put a warning
a disclaimer

Text Blog

2008-02-26T10:44:00.004-05:00

Editor's note: Because MSN seems to be having technical issues today, we had to resort to blogging by text message.

Blackberry says:
MSN just launched a smear campaign against barack obama

Samsung says:
I have the shakes

Blackberry says:
I'm sweating and I am considering shaving my head

Samsung says:
I am going toward the light

Blackberry says:
I am running through the streets naked

Samsung says:
I just went blind and lost control of my bowels

Blackberry says:
Stay alive!!!! I will find you!!!
I just ran in the rain

Samsung says:
~gets captured by magua~

Blackberry says:
LOOLOLOLOLOL!! (text blog? I'll be "blackberry")

Samsung says:
I'll be "samsung"

Blackberry says:
gotta poop

The Blog Supremacy

2008-02-25T15:22:00.004-05:00

Matt says:
my server just lost a bunch of Oscars to the Bourne Ultimatum

Ben says:
that's a shame

Matt says:
I can't wait for The Bourne Apology
that's gonna be KILLER

Ben says:
i can't wait for The Bourne Oblivion
and then The Bourne Morning After
followed quickly by The Bourne Walk of Shame

Matt says:
Then The Bourne Are You Fucking Kidding Me

Ben says:
and The Bourne Aw Hell No

Matt says:
and after that...The Bourne Please For The Love of God Not Bourne Again

Ben says:
and The Bourne Night of The Living Dead Bournes

Matt says:
and The Bourne Is Ben Affleck In This or Is It The Other One

Ben says:
and The Bourne Ishtar

Matt says:
lol
(you win)

Blogruary

2008-02-22T10:45:00.003-05:00

April says:
my ear is peeling

March says:
I hate that
my entire face is peeling

April says:
my lips are hanging in shreds

March says:
it is part of the Februaries
The Februaries come every year
I get gloomy
and itchy

April says:
me too

March says:
and sleepy

April says:
WAY sleepy

March says:
yup

April says:
i love the end of march and april

March says:
I am asleep right now
I noticed that our blogging really picks up in march
so we should get ready for a blog boom

April says:
oh good
i know we've been slumpy lately
but that's ok

March says:
Februaries

April says:
you have to let it have it's natural flow

March says:
it is a symptom

April says:
yes

March says:
Low Blog Rate
LBR
don't worry though
March is coming
and
POW
Blogorama

April says:
i never worry about the blog
the blog can take care of itself

March says:
yeah

April says:
the blog is an entity unto itself

March says:
the blog is self-regulating
the blog is like one of those robots that can learn
it may take over one day
it will no longer need us

April says:
the blog is like air
it's always there
you take it for granted
unless it stinks

March says:
right

April says:
and let me tell you
the blog has cut some stinky ones

March says:
yeah sometimes the blog should light a match
get rid of the odor

April says:
i bought the blog a case of febreeze for christmas

March says:
I put one of those tree air fresheners in its car

April says:
the blog has a car?
wtf?
the blog just hit me up for rent money!
when did it buy a car?
(you weren't supposed to tell me it had a car, were you?)

March says:
I told you
it is taking over

April says:
f*cking blog

Blogtose Intolerant (or, as they say, Lactose Inbloggerant)

2008-02-15T10:29:00.005-05:00

Smoked Gouda says:
so
how was your night?

Lactaid says:
uneventful
we ate pizza and I watched The Missus set up her new photography stuff
then I had a cheese in my guts attack at 4 am

Smoked Gouda says:
nooooooo

Lactaid says:
yeah
it happens
I should really not eat cheese

Smoked Gouda says:
don't eat cheese, ok?

Lactaid says:
ok
cheese hates me

Smoked Gouda says:
maybe you and cheese should do some relationship therapy

Lactaid says:
I think we should just break up

Smoked Gouda says:
that's drastic

Lactaid says:
well, it hasn't been working for a long time
we keep trying
doing the same thing over and over

Smoked Gouda says:
yet expecting different results
and neither of you are willing to change your approach
you're always going to want to CONSUME cheese. smother it.
cheese will always eat away at you from the inside

Lactaid says:
right
right
so
it might be time
to end it

Smoked Gouda says:
perhaps you are right

Lactaid says:
cheese is funny
I get mixed messages from cheese
first it is too clingy
then
it wants out!
it runs!
just like that

Smoked Gouda says:
is cheese afraid of committment?
is cheese afraid of the natural progression of a relationship?

Lactaid says:
cheese isn't looking for anything SOLID with me

Smoked Gouda says:
so this isn't a relationship
you turn to each other when there's nothing better around

Lactaid says:
exactly
I need to release the cheese

Smoked Gouda says:
yah
this isn't healthy

Lactaid says:
it isn't fair to either of us
I can't please the cheese, the cheese can't please me

Smoked Gouda says:
who seeks who out?
who initiates?

Lactaid says:
well
it's seems that everytime I feel the need for cheese
cheese just HAPPENS to be there
I open the door
CHEESE!
right there

Smoked Gouda says:
that's a very passive way of describing it

Lactaid says:
I think the cheese is manipulative

Smoked Gouda says:
it's like you are saying it's not your fault
you can always say no
you can cut the cheese.......
.....out of your life

Lactaid says:
I am powerless over the cheese
lololol

Puke, Rage, Die

2008-02-01T11:31:00.000-05:00

Elizabeth Gilbert says:
so
I am writing a book
about an attractive, successful, woman in New York
she decides that she needs to go on a journey around the world to find herself

Easy Reader says:
Puke, Rage, Hate

Elizabeth Gilbert says:
the people of each country she goes to are not charmed by her self-absorbed, shallow observations
and they chase her out
to the next country
finally
she meets a man in Indonesia
and she irritates him so much that he kills her
the end
yes
it is called Puke, Beg, Die
your title is good too

Easy Reader says:
lololol
Puke Rage Die
that's a good combo
Beg is good tho

Elizabeth Gilbert says:
better
yup

Easy Reader says:
i love your book

Elizabeth Gilbert says:
I think I need to design the cover

Easy Reader says:
i would like to give you the nobel for literature

Elizabeth Gilbert says:
man, it is going to be huge
Oprah will lavish praise on me

Easy Reader says:
are you going to couch jump?

Elizabeth Gilbert says:
I will spend the entire hour of Oprah's show jumping from couch to couch
that is good television

Easy Reader says:
i agree
one whole hour

Elizabeth Gilbert says:
yup
no talking
just
jumping
Oprah can just sit in her chair

Easy Reader says:
and watch

Elizabeth Gilbert says:
and go to her quiet place

Easy Reader says:
and fluff her hair

Elizabeth Gilbert says:
and every 10 minutes she can get up, leave the set
and come back in a new outfit

Easy Reader says:
and when she goes to commercial, she can shake out her curls and say, "when we come back, more Melissaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" in that mannish way

Elizabeth Gilbert says:
exactly

Easy Reader says:
like she's announcing a pro wrestling tournament

Elizabeth Gilbert says:
and I will just be jumping

Easy Reader says:
you're gonna need to start training
couch jumping is a demanding sport

Elizabeth Gilbert says:
why do you think I have been going to the "gym"?
I am ready for Oprah

Easy Reader says:
go get 'em tiger

-------------------------------------

ed note: I put this up for comparison purposes. Reddy did a great job with her cover up there, didn't she?

Bloggle

2008-01-18T15:48:00.000-05:00

Q says:
so
what are you doing for the next hour?
I am going to see how long I can go without blinking
I won't last
I like to blink

Triple Word Score says:
i am playing scrabble in facebook
with adriana

Q says:
enjoy it while you can
Scrabble is pissed

Triple Word Score says:
i know
scrabble has been making hang up calls to my house

Q says:
Scrabble has been driving by your office cuz it was "in the neighborhood"

Triple Word Score says:
scrabble has been checking me out on zabasearch

Q says:
Scrabble stalks your Myspace page

Triple Word Score says:
Scrabble put sugar in my gas tank

Q says:
(that one made me seriously LOL)
Scrabble threw a brick with a note attached through your window

Triple Word Score says:
scrabble stole credit card offers out of my mailbox and now i'm 50K in debt

Q says:
Scrabble photoshopped itself into pictures with you and put them on Friendster

Triple Word Score says:
lolol
(blog)

Q says:
yah

Scienblogogy

2008-01-17T09:36:00.000-05:00

Nicole Kidman says:
good morning
what the fuck is an SP
espy?
esspee?

Mimi Rogers says:
well
I did some research
and
I think it means
Sane person
no

Nicole Kidman says:
lolol
what does S P stand for?

Mimi Rogers says:
Suck Penis
no

Nicole Kidman says:
lolololol

Mimi Rogers says:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suppressive_Person
I wikied that shit up

Nicole Kidman says:
i need you to promise me something
this is very serious

Mimi Rogers says::
ok
anything

Nicole Kidman says:
if i am ever in a car accident, with my neck broken
and blood everywhere
limbs cut off, that kind of thing
call Tom Cruise
cause I'll need someone to laugh at
to take my mind off the pain

Mimi Rogers says:
listen
you are eiather on board or you are taking a vacation and romping, you know cuz it is just ~deep sigh~ it is what I do, I help people I am here to ~INSANE CACKLE~ you know?

Nicole Kidman says:
he is the AUTHORITY

Mimi Rogers says:
he is the authority on being insane

Nicole Kidman says:
lololol

Mimi Rogers says:
seriously
I think he is mentally ill

Nicole Kidman says:
intensely

Mimi Rogers says:
am I being glib, Matt?

Nicole Kidman says:
lolol
he studied

Mimi Rogers says:
I am worried for Katie Holmes

Nicole Kidman says:
i'm not
stupid twit

Mimi Rogers says:
exactly
she is dumb

Nicole Kidman says:
don't think this wasn't a career move

Mimi Rogers says:
yeah, I guess
but I still think she is married to a crazy person

Nicole Kidman says:
i think she chose it
what else was going to keep her in the public eye better than marriage to a wacko?

Mimi Rogers says:
I guess
but
has it gotten her better roles?
or is she just happy to be wandering around in bathrobes looking stoned?
maybe she is

Nicole Kidman says:
lolol
i think tom should help britney
and
i think his eyeballs could fry people with their crazy intensity

Mimi Rogers says:
his eyes are set to "stun thetans"

Nicole Kidman says:
lolol

Mimi Rogers says:
dude is fucked up
(did we blog)?
Scienblogogy?

Nicole Kidman says:
ok
you be Mimi Rogers
I'll be Nicole Kidman

Mimi Rogers says:
lolol

Random Celebriblog

2008-01-14T15:12:00.000-05:00

TMZ says:
you should call me
i sound husky

Perez Hilton says:
you sound like Kathleen Turner?

TMZ says:
yep
weird accent and all

Perez Hilton says:
with that teeth clicking?

TMZ says:
i can't manage that

Perez Hilton says:
where the hell is she from anyway?

TMZ says:
she changes it everytime she's asked

Perez Hilton says:
she is from Middle earth

TMZ says:
she's a hobbit?
or an orc?
ok listen
wikipedia says she was born in missouri
but
her dad was a missionary or something
and she grew up in Canada, Cuba, Venezuela, and the United Kingdom

Perez Hilton says:
well
that explains that

TMZ says:
this is what she said about herself
"on a night when I feel really good about myself, I can walk into a room, and if a man doesn't look at me he's probably gay."
holy crap
she has rheumatoid arthritis
poor thing
that shit hurts

Perez Hilton says:
I bet it does
you know what is the best part of wikipedia
the fights on the discussion page

TMZ says:
oh
i never look at those

Perez Hilton says:
people are very serious about wiki accuracy
on all kinds of subjects
the best are Lord of the Rings, Star trek and the Beatles
do not get shit wrong
or you will be chased off of the wiki forever
shunned

TMZ says:
lololol

Perez Hilton says:
"You fucking moron!! Paul played drums on Back in the USSR and it was a Thursday session NOT a Wednesday!!!!"
good stuff

TMZ says:
lololol

Perez Hilton says::
are there fights about Kathleen Turner?

TMZ says:
i was watching a BBC show called Top Gear yesterday

Perez Hilton says::
I know that show

TMZ says:
and the host was talking about roadie-ing for The Who
and he said "little known fact - Zac Starkey who, unlike his father, plays the drums,......(something i couldn't remember cause I was laughing so hard)"

Perez Hilton says:
hahaha

TMZ says:
but then i turned the channel cause it was just a bunch of boys standing around a car going "this one goes fast" "no this one goes faster" "i have a new fuel pump"
boring

Perez Hilton says:
yah
I can't watch that show

TMZ says:
me neither
it's dumb

Perez Hilton says:
I saw some of Ringos "story tellers
and I thought
really?
Ringo gets a storytellers?
I had to turn away
because he looked like someone's dad went shopping at Hot Topic

TMZ says:
lololol

Perez Hilton says::
and he talked about all these songs I have never heard of and were terrible
and he is a bad singer
I felt bad for him

TMZ says:
it's hard to feel sorry for someone who could build his 20,000 sq. ft. house entirely out of wadded up $100,000 bills, set fire to it and still be unimaginably wealthy

Perez Hilton says:
haha

TMZ says:
it's called perspective, baby

Advice Blog

2008-01-11T14:44:00.000-05:00

Smelly & Festive in New York says:
so
I am having a dilemma
I have to go to a friend's moving to LA party tonight
in the city
so I don't want to go all the way home after work
but
I need to bring home my "gym" stuff to wash
but
I don't want to bring it to the party
cuz that is gross
so
how do I get my gym stuff home without going home?
Fedex?
put it in a cab?
please help

Dear Scabby says:
hi
this is what you do
leave the gym stuff at work
bring new gym stuff on monday
bring all the gym stuff home monday night
or
does your gym rent lockers?
go buy a lock
and stuff your bag in a locker
and
after the party
get a cab to the locker

Smelly & Festive in New York says:
both are good ideas
I have a lock

Dear Scabby says:
pick up the bag
then take the subway home
and
while you are on the subway, unpack your bag, walk around the car and ask people if they want to smell your shorts
stand right in front of them
stretch out your arm with the shorts
and say
"c'mon
it smells like pumpkins
who doesn't like pumpkins?"
do it

Smelly & Festive in New York says:
what would I do without you and your great ideas

Dear Scabby says:
i don't know

Boner Gets My Vote

2008-01-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

Corky says:
good morning
my voice is scratchy

John Holmes says:
good morning
are you sick?
or are you Stevie Nicks?

Corky says:
i have a cold
i think the fact that the weather has swung from 2 degrees to 62 degrees in 2 days has something to do with it

John Holmes says:
yup
I had to check my calendar today
January 8
going up to 65 degrees today

Corky says:
me too
it's supposed to hit 62 today

John Holmes says:
did I move to North Carolina?

Corky says:
florida

John Holmes says:
oh
nobody told me I was moving
oh well
better get a bathing suit

Corky says:
yep
are you at the gym?

John Holmes says:
yes
I am on the ab bench
is it a bench?
or a board?

Corky says:
smoking a cigarette
it is a bench

John Holmes says:
lol
yes
I am on the ab bench
smoking
drinking bourbon
hitting on the cute trainer

Corky says:
don't forget to pop a few pills

John Holmes says:
~pops viagras~

Corky says:
good girl

John Holmes says:
thanks
now I will have a boner all day

Corky says:
ouchy

John Holmes says:
boner might be the funniest word of all time

Corky says:
i'm not sure
retard is pretty funny
your boner is retarded

John Holmes says:
that is the funniest phrase of all time
retard is mean
boner isn't mean
just funny
boner gets my vote
which something I have never said before

Corky says:
you've said it
i've heard you say it

John Holmes says:
"boner gets my vote"?
I have said that?

Corky says:
i have heard you say it to subway attendants when you have problems with your metrocard

John Holmes says:
lolol

Corky says:
i have heard you say that to waitresses who do a good job

John Holmes says:
I'm definitely going to start

Corky says:
i heard you say that to the owner of a bodega who tried to sell you Playgirl

John Holmes says:
I am going to say it to everyone I am praising from now on

Corky says:
i think you should

John Holmes says:
Mom, Thankgsgiving dinner was delicious
boner gets my vote

Corky says:
"secretary - thanks for collating that report. Boner gets my vote!"

John Holmes says:
yep
once again...
we are changing the culture for the better

Corky says:
paradigm shifters, that's us

John Holmes says:
yup

Corky says:
you need to 'boner gets my vote' US

John Holmes says:
put it at the bottom of the blog
where it says "ediots"

Blognasium

2008-01-04T11:32:00.000-05:00

Richard Simmons says:
I have a meeting in 20 minutes

Tony Little says:
i will miss you!

Richard Simmons says:
It should be about an hourish

Tony Little says:
ok
i'll be here!

Richard Simmons says:
then
I will go to the gym
I joined a gym
but

Tony Little says:
you did?
you don't need to

Richard Simmons says:
I'm not really a gym gal
so it is weird
I was feeling a little 'holiday'
so
I joined up

Tony Little says:
i had a spin class wednesday night - my cooch feels bruised

Richard Simmons says:
and
the gym is weird

Tony Little says:
yah

Richard Simmons says:
oh yeah, the old bike cooch bruise

Tony Little says:
it was a good class tho
i sweated buckets
it was all black hole of calutta-y

Richard Simmons says:
yeah, spinning is hard core
I got a tour of my new gym
by one of those gym people
those people are too excited about gyms
she scared me

Tony Little says:
lolol
was she on coke?

Richard Simmons says:
she asked if I was "into spinning"
I was confused at first
then I realized she meant the bike thing

Tony Little says:
lolololol
i like spinning around and around and then losing my balance and plopping down

Richard Simmons says:
I shook my head and said "I'm not really a team player"

Tony Little says:
lololololol

Richard Simmons says:
she was like "ok!"
too excited
about my lack of enthusiasm
it was weird
and also
my body is a little freaked by the activity
I felt fluish last night
but
I think is my body cleaning the crap out

Tony Little says:
yah
my body definitely felt all shoken up after the spin class
like things were scraped from the walls on the inside

Richard Simmons says:
exactly

Tony Little says:
things got circulating around

Richard Simmons says:
itchy
on the inside

Tony Little says:
yup
i loved it
i wanna do it again

Richard Simmons says:
you should

Tony Little says:
monday and wednesday nights!

Richard Simmons says:
maybe I'll join the spin class after all

Tony Little says:
it hurts
pretty bad
my quads felt like they were going to snap off the next day

Richard Simmons says:
cooch

Tony Little says:
do yourself a favor and wear bike pants

Richard Simmons says:
ok

Tony Little says:
don't wear something loose that can bunch up in your cooch

Richard Simmons says:
right

Tony Little says:
i learned that the hard way

Richard Simmons says:
the old bike cooch bunch
also
I have been going at lunch
so
I need to shower after
and
I have issues
with public showering

Tony Little says:
so you won't be back until 5pm?

Richard Simmons says:
right

Tony Little says:
k

Richard Simmons says:
no
I go for under an hour
I'm easiing in
easiiiiiing

Tony Little says:
lolol
good for you1
!

Richard Simmons says:
good for you2
too

Tony Little says:
ol
l

Blog Me Baby One More Time

2007-12-19T10:39:00.000-05:00

Tiffany says:
so how about the Spears Family Trainwreck?

Debbie Gibson says:
i don't think the Spearseseses are real
i think they are actors
paid to play a dysfunctional family

Tiffany says:
that is the best explanation
are there any other young spears sister left?
is JLS the last?

Debbie Gibson says:
let me wiki them

Tiffany says:
I think Santa needs to bring the Spears girls condoms for Christmas
and stay till morning to show them how to put one on using a banana

Debbie Gibson says:
there is an older brother bryan

Tiffany says:
bryan?
what's wrong with him?

Debbie Gibson says:
don't know yet

Tiffany says:
has he knocked anyone up?
caught with a trannie in West Hollywood?

Debbie Gibson says:
well, i think he's going to need a different dysfunction
britney's done the drugs and white trash marriage thing

Tiffany says:
right

Debbie Gibson says:
jamie did the teenage pregnancy thing

Tiffany says:
right

Debbie Gibson says:
maybe he's a serial killer

Tiffany says:
maybe he is a computer programmer who goes to work every day and leads a normal life
nah
what was I thinking?
definitely a serial killer

Debbie Gibson says:
lol

Blogcation

2007-12-05T13:29:00.000-05:00

Hey!
Reddy is off in sunnier climes and won't be back till next Tuesday, so here's some pics she texted me of her vacation (I'll post more as I get them):

Blogitics

2007-12-03T13:17:00.000-05:00

Mitt Giuliani says:
so

Walter Mondale says:
so

Mitt Giuliani says:
since thursday

Walter Mondale says:
yes
?

Mitt Giuliani says:
Canada, New York (twice!), and Baltimore have visited our blog
that is our fan base

Walter Mondale says:
Baltimore loves us

Mitt Giuliani says:
that is our CORE CONSTITUENCY
we need to make sure we meet their needs

Walter Mondale says:
East Coast

Mitt Giuliani says:
I think we need to set up a suggestion box
"Stuff the CORE CONSTITUENCY would like to see us blog about"
i mean
anyone can suggest stuff
we're just gonna throw out anything that isn't relevant to or suggested by our CORE CONSTITUENCY

Walter Mondale says:
ok
but
are we pandering?

Mitt Giuliani says:
know what I guess they're gonna want to see us blog about?
they're gonna want us to blog about gypsy guitar playing meat eating teachers
and
we both know we'll never blog about that
so
let's nod our heads politely at our CORE CONSTITUENCY but silently say "eff you"

Walter Mondale says:
so we take suggestions
then ignore them?

Mitt Giuliani says:
yah
we ignore them

Walter Mondale says:
ok
this sounds easy

Mitt Giuliani says:
basically, we just keep on doing what we're doing

Walter Mondale says:
I can do that without much effort at all
I'm in
have you considered running for office?
I think you'd do very well

Mitt Giuliani says:
I'm a big fan of the words "constituency" "pundit" "wonk" and "can you please pass me the toilet paper while I caress your toes?"
sometimes I wonk my pundit when I think about my constituency

Walter Mondale says:
lol
I think you should put this up
but you may as well edit me out
that was all you

Mitt Giuliani says:
i can't edit you out
you are the yin to my yang

Walter Mondale says:
I was your straight man in this one
Which is new for me
on many levels

Mitt Giuliani says:
lolol

Blogging in Real Time

2007-11-28T21:10:00.000-05:00

Ed note: this past weekend, White Text and Reddy got together to take in a Sondre Lerche concert in Brooklyn. The following are the texts between the two of them, as White Text was traveling toward NYC, and during the actual concert itself. Yes. During the concert. We texted. It's a sickness.

Sunday, November 25th:

White Text texts:
I have a pimple on my nose. I grew it because I knew I would be seeing you tomorrow.

Reddy texts:
I am still short. We are both freaks.

White Text texts:
I am in a car. When the car gets to pookipsee I will sell it to the Amish for traimfare to the city. Wish me lubk. Traim. Lubk.

Reddy texts:
Goof lubk!

~~~~~~~~~~~Later~~~~~~~~

White Text texts::
I am in NYC. No thanks to the friggin' Amish.

Reddy texts:
The amish really are selfish bastards.

Monday, November 26th:
Ed note: Monday dawned cold and rainy. Monsoonish. Plans were made to meet at the corner of 42nd and 6th and take the train to Brooklyn.

White Text texts:
Let's just swim to Brooklyn.

Reddy texts:
I'm just leaving my office nowo don't leave! You might get lost in williamsburg!

White Text texts:
I am at the newstand. I am wearing a fright wig.

Reddy texts::
I am wearing flippers and a swim cap.

~~~~~~~later, at the concert. White Text and Reddy are sitting no more than 2 feet away from each other~~~~~

Reddy texts:
Hi. What are you doing.

White Text texts:
nuthin. U?
wot u doin?

Reddy texts:
Nuthin. Chillin' with a hand on my heart.

White Text texts:
Ur retarfed.

Reddy texts (about the opening act):
He is boring. HjegYARNrdtegdbdbfg even.

Reddy texts (about the out of tune opening act):
TUNE YEAR GITER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ed note; the rest of the concert was awesome. Sondre Lerche ripped through a nearly two hour set that left us breathless at his virtuosity. His intensity, his songwriting nuances and his hilarious between song banter made this a night to remember. As Reddy said later, "I love that he is a skilled, nuanced guitar player and can rock the fuck out and break strings and shit!". High praise indeed!

hairy eyeball

Happy Blogsgiving

2007-11-21T11:59:00.000-05:00

Charmin says:
hey
do we need to do a Thanksgiving blog?

Cottonelle says:
hey
i was just thinking that
what are you thankful for?

Charmin says:
I am thankful for many things
Angelina's Cartoon Tits
that's two
I had a really good cup of coffee this morning
so
I'm thankful for that
what about you?
do you have a list?

Cottonelle says:
hmm
i am thankful for fabric softener
and i think i take toilet paper for granted sometimes

Charmin says:
we all do

Cottonelle says:
yah
i'm ashamed of myself actually
think of how we treat toilet paper

Charmin says:
I know
we just flush it away

Cottonelle says:
yet it just sits there silently on the roll
serving us
without complaint

Charmin says:
right

Cottonelle says:
i think more people need to take a good hard look at toilet paper
there are lessons to be learned here

Charmin says:
we hardly ever think about it
until it is not there
then
we panic

Cottonelle says:
we get mad

Charmin says:
yup
we are selfish

Cottonelle says:
indeed

Charmin says:
there it is
our Thanksgiving blog

Cottonelle says:
agreed
stay clean, thanksgiving peeps!

Heat + Art = HEART

2007-11-20T10:34:00.000-05:00

Art says:
ok
listen

Heatmiser says:
ok

Art says:
no more of this "not signing in till 10:30am" crap
i won't stand for it

Heatmiser says:
I'm sorry
I was busy
and I forgot to login

Art says:
DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN WAITING??

Heatmiser says:
I'm sorry

Art says:
sure you are

Heatmiser says:
I have a stack of grant shit up to my eyes
and
I know what you are going to say
that can't be very high
because...blah...short joke

Art says:
what is more important
the grant shit or me

Heatmiser says:
you
without question

Art says:
so....
WHY WAS I WAITING?

Heatmiser says:
but
one of these things pays my bills
you better start paying my bills, mutha fucka

Art says:
hey
don't pull that crap on me
one of those things pays your bills, but what would you rather live without - heat or art?

Heatmiser says:
ohhh
that is so unfair

Art says:
MAKING ME WAIT IS SO UNFAIR!!

Heatmiser says:
which are you?
heat or art?

Art says:
if you don't know i am not going to tell you

Heatmiser says:
I think you are both
you are hot art

Art says:
lolol

Behind The Blog

2007-11-16T10:13:00.000-05:00

Phil Spector says:
hi
i think i may have thought up the all time greatest band name...EVER

Brian Epstein says:
hi
let's hear it
Billy Vera and the beaters is taken
FYI

Phil Spector says:
ok
are you ready

Brian Epstein says:
yes

Phil Spector says:
"Pentagram Donut"

Brian Epstein says:
I think that is very good
it is deliciously evil

Phil Spector says:
it is perfect

Brian Epstein says:
it is Sweet, yet Satanic
what kind of music does Pentagram Donut play?

Phil Spector says:
oh i dunno
i just think up the names

Brian Epstein says:
I think they should play dark prog-metal
but
they will put out a concept album
about the struggle between good and evil

Phil Spector says:
i think you give PD too much credit for brains
they're just there to rock, man

Brian Epstein says:
well, some of them are
the bass player is fucked up on coke
and the drummer is a drunk
but the front man is really into the dark arts
and the guitar player was raised Catholic

Phil Spector says:
honestly
i think you put too much thought into this
there isn't even a band yet and already you've written the "Behind The Music" script

Brian Epstein says:
that's the beauty part
we're ready
I think the drummer will die first
is that too cliche?

Phil Spector says:
he can't die before someone goes to rehab
cause when he dies, that's gonna make the dude who went to rehab fall off the wagon again

Brian Epstein says:
right

Phil Spector says:
how is the drummer gonna die? I say freak turkey hunting accident

Brian Epstein says:
yes, drummers are known turkey hunters

Phil Spector says:
One of them has go be caught doing a line of coke off Gary Coleman's ass

Brian Epstein says:
perfect
I say we sit back and wait for the royalties

Phil Spector says:
we're not done yet

Brian Epstein says:
oh

Phil Spector says:
we've got the downfall down
we have to do the reunion and "where are they now" parts

Brian Epstein says:
we need the rise

Phil Spector says:
oh - and the rise too
the rise - they all met at a star trek convention
no
nix the star trek

Brian Epstein says:
ok

Phil Spector says:
they met in childhood, at cub scouts

Brian Epstein says:
ok

Phil Spector says:
that doesn't work either, does it?
ok
2 of them met working at an apple farm
they met the others at a pie bake-off

Brian Epstein says:
let's just kill them off
get to the end
get to the "a deadly combination of drugs and alcohol" part

Phil Spector says:
ok
this is what we have so far:
rise - apple farm, bake-off, deadly romance with drugs and alcohol
downfall - rehab, drummer dead, rehab, coke off gary's ass

Brian Epstein says:
yup
and maybe in between they play some songs
or not

Phil Spector says:
then they disappear off the radar for a while

Brian Epstein says:
nobody cares

Phil Spector says:
then there is a reunion
that a few 40ish pudgy women with non descript hair cuts, bifocals and aqua pant suits attend

Brian Epstein says:
they put out a new record
but
everyone is sober and it sucks

Phil Spector says:
right
now
1 of them is an accountant
1 of them lives in santa fe and makes sand sculptures in empty soda bottles
drummer = dead
the other one = gary coleman's common law "wife"

Brian Epstein says:
done

Phil Spector says:
wow
we're good!

Brian Epstein says:
Pentagram Donut fucking rocks!

Phil Spector says:
Let's start a Pentagram Donut tribute band.

Blogger's Block

2007-11-15T15:20:00.000-05:00

Twiddle says:
what are we going to blog about today?
we could blog about what we're gonna do when we get home
i am going to clean
only an hour to go before i clean

Blink says:
ok
I'm going to a rehearsal then I will go home and sleep or something
maybe wal the dog
wal
I will wal the dog

Twiddle says:
wal
that sounds painful for the dog

Blink says:
yeah

Twiddle says:
ok
maybe we won't blog about that

Blink says:
ok
what else?

Twiddle says:
let's blog about....

Blink says:
...

Twiddle says:
ummm
is it raining?

Blink says:
it was
not now
so
[blink]

Twiddle says:
[twiddle]
[plays with desk drawers]

Blink says:
[stare]

Twiddle says:
[drool]
you know, sometimes we just don't have the blogging mojo
today is one of those days

Blink says:
I know
yeah

Blogstruation

2007-11-14T14:31:00.000-05:00

Ed note: what follows is truly gross. Don't read if menstruation offends you.

Stayfree says:
aren't your periods supposed to get lighter as you get older?
i bleed like a friggin' hemophiliac

Kotex says:
mine got lighter
for the most part
I used to bleed like a stuck pig for days
now I have one or two medium days
and then barely anything

Stayfree says:
mine got a little lighter for a few years
now i'm back to gushing like a geyser

Kotex says:
weird

Stayfree says:
and
let me tell you something
if you see clots, there will be pain

Kotex says:
yup

Stayfree says:
clots = cramps

Kotex says:
yup

Stayfree says:
and there were some freaky clots this morning
it's like I birthed a family of hairy meatballs

Kotex says:
lolol

Stayfree says:
that is SO gross
i just REALLY grossed myself out
i feel throwuppy

Kotex says:
that was really gross
but
it was funny

What's Happenin'?

2007-11-06T11:42:00.000-05:00

Hey Is For Horses says:
hi

DooWayne from that show with the Hey Hey Hey says:
hey

Hey Is For Horses says:
when did you become a "hey" over a "hi"?

DooWayne from that show with the Hey Hey Hey says:
um
2 lines ago?

Hey Is For Horses says:
you "hey'd" me yesterday too

DooWayne from that show with the Hey Hey Hey says:
are you taking me to task over my greeting?

Hey Is For Horses says:
yes
I guess I am

DooWayne from that show with the Hey Hey Hey says:
may i ask why?

Hey Is For Horses says:
because it is different
you used to be a 'hi'
always
now
suddenly
"hey"
what gives?

DooWayne from that show with the Hey Hey Hey says:
may i ask why this is a legitimate subject for debate?
you're getting one more letter in your greeting - be happy

Hey Is For Horses says:
it isn't a debate
it is a question

DooWayne from that show with the Hey Hey Hey says:
no, it is a debate. it has been established that i have changed my greeting. we are debating now...debating the greeting

Hey Is For Horses says:
I guess we are NOW
and
I don't want more letters
I like the hi

DooWayne from that show with the Hey Hey Hey says:
listen
you'll get what you get and you'll like it

Hey Is For Horses says:
ok
fine
I'll take it
but
you can't make me like it
I will miss the hi

DooWayne from that show with the Hey Hey Hey says:
build a shrine to it
have a candlelit ceremony in remembrance

Hey Is For Horses says:
maybe I already did

DooWayne from that show with the Hey Hey Hey says:
it's GONE
time to move on

Hey Is For Horses says:
fine
hey it up!
see if I care!

DooWayne from that show with the Hey Hey Hey says:
hey
enough of that
you're overreacting
and

Hey Is For Horses says:
ok

DooWayne from that show with the Hey Hey Hey says:
did you have something you wanted to say when you started this window? I think you got sidetracked by the hey

Hey Is For Horses says:
I froget
frog

DooWayne from that show with the Hey Hey Hey says:
ribbit

Blog Scab

2007-11-06T10:12:00.001-05:00

Norma Rae says:
writer's strike schmiter's strike
it's sort of making me angry to hear someone bitch and moan about making ONLY 200K a year
poor fucking baby - send me to grad school.

Jimmy Hoffa says:
are we on strike?

Norma Rae says:
blog wise?

Jimmy Hoffa says:
yeah
we are writers
sort of

Norma Rae says:
oh
i never thought of that
well
people don't pay us

Jimmy Hoffa says:
even more reason

Norma Rae says:
well
no
we're volunteers
you can't strike if you're a volunteer

Jimmy Hoffa says:
I want to
I walking out
I'm
I have already started withholding Ms

Norma Rae says:
ooo
the left side of my face just caved in from eating
a whole roll of sour smarties
listen
you can't strike
you're not even part of the union

Jimmy Hoffa says:
is there a Bloggers' Union?

Norma Rae says:
i don't know
i don't think so

Jimmy Hoffa says:
Let's start one

Norma Rae says:
NO
i'll end up doing all the work AGAIN
so
NO

Jimmy Hoffa says:
HELL NO WE WON'T BLOG!

Norma Rae says:
you're free to do whatever
i need to go get my face fixed

Reality Blog

2007-10-30T15:03:00.000-04:00

Grant says:
dude
the ghost hunters have a book out
Ghost Hunting
i SO need this book

Jason says:
oh yeah?
let me guess
it is a book about ghosts
and hunting them
ok
you should have it

Grant says:
you need to see this show
they're kinda dumb but loveable
like they sorta know how to use their equipment, but they really don't

Jason says:
ok
I don't watch many shows
I like Top Chef
and
that's it
when is it on?

Grant says:
it is on on Wednesday nights starting at 8pm on the Sci Fi channel
YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS SHOW

Jason says:
ok
I will be in my hotel room tomorrow night
I will look for it

Grant says:
WATCH IT!!!!
it will be SPOOKY!!

Jason says:
I will try
oh yeah
spooky night

Grant says:
i think it's live tomorrow night
http://www.scifi.com/ghosthunters/home.html
looka that big dumb bald lummox

Jason says:
ha

Grant says:
he's got a look on his face like 'was dat a sound dat i just hoid?'

Jason says:
hold me ma!

Grant says:
lol
http://www.scifi.com/ghosthunters/team/jasonandgrant/
read the description
they are plumbers
i love this show so much

Jason says:
man, anybody can have a show now
where is my goddamned show?

Grant says:
you are a grant writer/reader
and you are small
and drum on the side
there's a show in that

Jason says::
I don't write grants
but everything else works
I'm in
let's do it
set up the cameras

Grant says:
no wait - we gotta get the premise right
you give money to people
and you are small
and you drum

Jason says:
yes
well
not MY money

Grant says:
ok
start over

Jason says:
ok
go

Grant says:
you are a small modern day Robin Hood who takes from the rich and gives to the poor while drumming righteously in her spare time

Jason says:
I like it

Grant says:
there's your show
what's my show?

Jason says:
ok
well
you draw stuff
and
sing
and have a HAZMAT suit
which kicks so much ass

Grant says:
that's too much
we need to narrow it down
you only get 2 things and they should be opposites

Jason says:
ok
you sing
in a HAZMAT suit

Grant says:
well no
i sing
and i occasionally wear a hazmat suit
but in no way do those 2 things intersect

Jason says:
ok
but
you could put the HAZMAT on and sing
if you wanted

Grant says:
ehhhh
it would be pretty sweaty

Jason says:
that's a show
HAZMAT Idol

Grant says:
i like your show better

Jason says:
yeah
my show kicks ass

The Blogxorcist

2007-10-29T12:01:00.000-04:00

Bride of Bloggenstein says:
what are you doing for halloween that is scary?
i am not shaving my legs

Count Blogula says:
SCARY

Bride of Bloggenstein says:
what are you doing?

Count Blogula says:
I am watching an entire episode of Tyra Banks
ALONE

Bride of Bloggenstein says:
i think you should leave some mayonnaise out on the counter in summertime and then make a sandwich with it and eat it

Count Blogula says:
that gave me shivers

Bride of Bloggenstein says:
i know

Count Blogula says:
never speak of it again

Bride of Bloggenstein says:
sorry
i think i will also rake the leaves in my brand new sneakers, and not check to see where the dog's poop is before i step
but that's not scary so much as it is gross

Count Blogula says:
I'm going to buy the new Britney record
Spoooooooooky

Bride of Bloggenstein says:
~gets garlic wreath~
actually, i think the only thing that would repel Britney at this point would be a wreath of undies and a bottle of non-alcoholic beer

Count Blogula says:
HAHA

Bride of Bloggenstein says:
~sprinkles Count Blogula with non-alcoholic beer~

Count Blogula says:
I feel the urge to raise my children well
that was CLOSE

Do You Know The Muffin Blog?

2007-10-18T09:49:00.000-04:00

Muffin Tard says:
I just ate a bran muffin
there is more of it on my lap than in my belly
what am I, 7?

Colon Blow says:
wait
don't blame yourself
you're not the one who couldn't hold himself together
i mean
how hard can a bran muffin's life be?
HOLD IT TOGETHER, MAN!!

Muffin Tard says:
lol
I man handled him a bit

Colon Blow says::
why is it that WE are the ones always left picking up the pieces?
we're co dependent on the muffin

Muffin Tard says:
well, I could have been more gentle
I could have tried a little harder

Colon Blow says:
listen
you can't make the muffin change
the muffin has to WANT to change

Muffin Tard says:
I can't help the muffin realize its full potnetial
potnetial

Colon Blow says:
retard

Muffin Tard says:
lolol

Colon Blow says:
well, you DID help the muffin reach it's potential
you ate it

Muffin Tard says:
good point

Colon Blow says:
that is what the muffin was born to do
be eaten

Muffin Tard says:
gotta poop
the muffin has realized its full potential

Colon Blow says:
I'm blogging this

Muffin Tard says:
lolol
Do you now the muffin blog?
now?
I am RETARDED

Colon Blow says:
lolol

Muffin Tard says:
(put that bit in)

Colon Blow says:
ok

Not So Fresh Feeling

2007-10-10T11:43:00.000-04:00

Vinegar says:
i've noticed this pattern
someone does something douchey
i say "hey, that was douchey"
and blammo - i'm crazy

Massengill says:
yup

Vinegar says:
weird
cause when someone points out the douchey things i do....
i kinda have to step back and go, "was that douchey? oops. sorry. I didn't know"
some people take the pointing out of their douchiness pretty hard

Massengill says:
they do
no one wants to see their own douchiness
the douche hurts

Vinegar says:
but
the douche is not all there is
i don't believe that people are defined by their douche

Massengill says:
right

Vinegar says:
unless they refuse to recognize their douche
THEN they BECOME the douche

Massengill says:
right
the douche shall set you free

Vinegar says:
unless the douche drags you down
letting GO of the douche shall set you free

Massengill says:
right

Vinegar says:
right

Belated Movie Review

2007-10-04T11:41:00.000-04:00

Rotten Tomatoes says:
I love the Daily Mail
look at Jude Law:

he and Phil Collins have the same barber
(they even say that in the article)

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
lol
wow

Rotten Tomatoes says:
i never liked Jude Law

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
I never got the Jude Law thing
he is skinny and pasty

Rotten Tomatoes says:
jinx

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
ahaha

Rotten Tomatoes says:
and looks borderline mongoloid

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
and not a great actor
he always looks tired
grey

Rotten Tomatoes says:
he was good in that matt damon movie

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
oh yeah
he was

Rotten Tomatoes says:
where he was rich and spoiled and matt killed him
but then again
i don't think he was acting in that matt movie - that's just how he is

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
yeah
but that Tom Hanks gangster movie...
he sucked
chewed the scenery

Rotten Tomatoes says:
yeah - road to perdition was dumb

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
I hated that movie
people friggin loved it
it started out ok

Rotten Tomatoes says:
i dont' remember it

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
then Tom hanks became Tom Hanks
I was waiting for Meg Ryan to show up

Rotten Tomatoes says:
what i remember is this: there was a kid, tom hanks looked worried, it was always dark out
that's it

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
yah
it was so dark
why was that movie so dark?

Rotten Tomatoes says:
was it night?

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
and what was it about anyway?

Rotten Tomatoes says:
it was about riding around in a car at night with your kid, being worried

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
and Jude Law had bad teeth and chased them

Rotten Tomatoes says:
and took pictures

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
not his teeth
he didn't chase his teeth

Rotten Tomatoes says:
right

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
right

Rotten Tomatoes says:
you'd have to have some pretty nimble teeth to chase your teeth
cause basically, teeth are stationary
they don't move

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
it would be like chasing you tail
if you tail was in your mouth

Rotten Tomatoes says:
except that you don't have a tail
so you wait to grow one

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
I typed you both times instead of your

Rotten Tomatoes says:
or something

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
right
what are we talking about?

Rotten Tomatoes says:
your r key is stuck
movies?
maybe?

That Gay Annoying Movie Review Guy Whatshisname says:
oh
I guess

That New Blog Smell

2007-10-02T09:40:00.000-04:00

Outback says:
did I tell you we bought a new car on Saturday?
I have never had a new car before

Civic says:
congratulations

Outback says:
I am afraid to drive it because it is so shiny

Civic says:
what is it?

Outback says:
Nissan Sentra

Civic says:
that is not an SUV
that isn't even vaguely lesbian

Outback says:
yeah, we thought about subaru outbacks and all that
but the sentra spoke to us
so
I will turn it into the new lesbian car of choice
just wait

Civic says:
isn't it a law that lesbians have to buy outbacks or jeep libertys?

Outback says:
it is "strongly suggested"

Civic says:
you're a paradigm shifter

Outback says:
that's right
dykes all over will be driving Nissan Sentras
anyway
I was driving this car the other day
and I found myself sweating and white knuckling
because it is so new and shiny
I have never driven such a car

Civic says:
that's so cute
you were nervous about breaking it in

Outback says:
yes

Civic says:
i bet that car had never been with a lesbian before

Outback says:
I could tell

Civic says:
i bet you made it's first time really meaningful

Outback says:
it didn't pull to the left at all
our old car was such a dirty old dyke
this car is bi-curious

Civic says:
lolol

Outback says:
for now
once I turn her over a few times...
forget it

Blog You Like a Hurricane

2007-10-01T10:34:00.000-04:00

Cold Front says:
i want you to know
the weather service says you are weakening

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
I still have some fight in me
do not test me

Cold Front says:
that is not the point
WHY did I have to find this out from the weather service?
why didn't you tell me yourself?

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
I am letting them handle my press
I talk to no one
and believe me they are getting a big old fee
so I don't want to hear it

Cold Front says:
sure, blow off africa, mess around a couple of cargo ships, hire some bunch of geeks to represent you, then peak before the age of 3days
some Melissa YOU are
i am not impressed

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
I like to enter with a bang
and leave before anyone notices

Cold Front says:
perhaps it is poetic justice that you are weakening

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
it's my thing

Cold Front says:
i've known better storms than you

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
perhaps it is strategy

Cold Front says:
storms that effed up florida BIG time
you think you're so cool
they won't even bother to put the Coast Guard on red alert for you

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
Florida is a waste of my time

Cold Front says:
uh huh

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
that is for the boy storms

Cold Front says:
riiiiight

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
yer Andrews, yer Dennis
dudes
I mean Florida looks like a big dick

Cold Front says:
at least they made LAND!

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
pffft

Cold Front says:
you're just swirling around like a toilet bowl and you're not even doing that well

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
I am pretty though

Cold Front says:
pretty weak

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
all swirly and twisty

Cold Front says:
(i just burped soda and it went up my nose and stung)
(and made my eyes water)

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
I bet it felt like hurricane melissa

Cold Front says:
I've seen jacuzzis more powerful than you

Tropical Depression Melissa says:
Yeah, I am a fart in the bath tub
I'm so ashamed

Tramps like us, baby, we were born to BLOG!

2007-09-27T13:44:00.000-04:00

The Boss says:
I'm not in the mood to work

Rosalita says:
i'm not either, but I've got deadlines

The Boss says:
screw your deadlines
let's get outta here
let's make our lives like an old Springsteen tune
we'll ditch everything in this one horse town, mister, and ride all night
come on!
hop on!
~revs engine~

Rosalita says:
can i strap my hands cross your engines?

The Boss says:
yes
it is required
we should go before we hit traffic on the turnpike

Rosalita says:
oh - good call
are you going to wear a helmet?

The Boss says:
if Springsteen's songs were really slice of life, he would hit more traffic on the turnpike
in his songs
like in the bridge

Rosalita says:
we might want rain ponchos too

The Boss says:
right
he never talks about that stuff

Rosalita says:
i guess his slice of life is pretty superficial
and doesn't take into account the day to day stuff

The Boss says:
Evereybody thinks he is so "real' but really
he is just impractical
Evereybody

Rosalita says:
right

The Boss says:
I need more Es in that word

Rosalita says:
evereyebeodey

The Boss says:
thanks

Rosalita says:
no prob

Bank bloggery

2007-09-26T12:37:00.000-04:00

Clyde says:
I am going to the bank now

Bonnie says:
ok
bring me back something

Clyde says:
ok
a 1000 dollar bill?

Bonnie says:
yah

Clyde says:
a small plastic coin bank?
ok
one of each
I will get 1000 dollars in pennies
for your small plastic coin bank
for you

Bonnie says:
bring me a teller

Clyde says:
ok

Bonnie says:
i've always wanted my own teller

Clyde says:
ok

Bonnie says:
that way you don't have to get the money
cause i would just set the teller up in my basement, and anytime i needed money, the teller would have to give it to me

Clyde says:
you are going to go far in life, my friend

Bonnie says:
this is why I don't understand why people rob banks
why not just kidnap a teller?
that's their JOB
they HAVE to give you money
it's the LAW

Clyde says:
it seems so simple

Blogatar

2007-09-20T14:14:00.000-04:00

Corn says:
do you know what my avatar is saying?
it is saying "shucks"
get it?

Death says:
good one

Corn says:
it took me a while to think of it
my brain is so slow today

Death says:
you know what my avatar is saying?
nothing
it's a tomato and they don't talk

Corn says:
it is still the raptor

Death says:
no

Corn says:
yes
it is saying "imma gonna eatchoo"

Death says:
it is supposed to be a tomato
why??

Corn says:
hold on
here

Corn says:

Corn says:
see?

Death says:
yah
weird

Corn says:
i am corn
you are death

Death says:
for me it is a tomato
I don't get it

Corn says:
that's the most fantastic quote in the world
"i am corn, you are death"
think about it

Death says:
~changes avatar~
is it eggs now?
lol

Corn says:
now you are devilled eggs

Death says:
~changes again~
now?

Corn says:
tomato

Death says:
yay

Corn says:
~changes MSN sig to "I am corn, you are death"~
look at my MSN sig

Death says:
lolol

Corn says:
i love it
I am going to make it my catchphrase
my raison d'etre

Death says:
I think it will catch on
if you say it enough
to everyone you meet

Corn says:
it's simple
catchy

Death says:
yup
rat-a-tat

Corn says:
blog?

Death says:
sure

Corn says:
this is just stupid enough to be blogworthy

The End of The Blogfair

2007-09-18T16:00:00.000-04:00

Whatsherface says:
i am talking about myself too much
so
let's talk about the things about you that are like me
we're both musicians
which is cool
we're both tall
wait
no
we're both canadian
wait
no
we both....
ummm

Ralph (don't call me Ralph!) Fiennes says:
hmmm
we're both into chicks
wait...
we both love dick
err

Whatsherface says:
WE BOTH HAVE DOGS!!
AND CATS!!

Ralph (don't call me Ralph!) Fiennes says:
YEAH!
YEAH!

Whatsherface says:
whew
for a while there I thought we were gonna have to break up
and yet still remain friends

Ralph (don't call me Ralph!) Fiennes says:
and see each other at parties
and be a little awkward

Whatsherface says:
and you would introduce me to future-friends-you-don't-have-much-in-common-with as your warm and friendly ex-friend-you-don't-have-much-in-common-with.

Ralph (don't call me Ralph!) Fiennes says:
awkward
crazy word
AWk

Whatsherface says:
and i would always be there for you in a sort of not-there-for-you way

Ralph (don't call me Ralph!) Fiennes says:
and I would send you Christmas cards
in February

Whatsherface says:
and you would be this ghosted out icon in my Messenger contact list
cause you would never be online (or so you would have me think)

Ralph (don't call me Ralph!) Fiennes says:
and I would respond to all your emails with the phrase "sounds good. Hope you're well!"
no matter what the email was about

Whatsherface says:
and when i tell you I'm coming to the city (whether I ask to see you or not) you'd always be out of town that weekend
even if it is 5 years hence

Ralph (don't call me Ralph!) Fiennes says:
and I will invite you to coffee, and then cancel at the last minute
once a month
and you will always say yes
hoping I will cancel at the last minute

Whatsherface says:
then
quietly
we will lose each other's email

Ralph (don't call me Ralph!) Fiennes says:
I will miss you
sort of

----------------

Ed. note: No. We haven't broken up.

Blogetry

2007-09-07T10:10:00.000-04:00

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
I just had a spectacular poop

Edgar Allan Poo says:
no way

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it before hand

Edgar Allan Poo says:
i did too!

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
no!

Edgar Allan Poo says:
it was VERY satisfying

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
mine too

Edgar Allan Poo says:
i almost sighed with pleasure in the stall

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
me too!

Edgar Allan Poo says:
but there was someone in the other stall so i kept quiet

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
I was delighted

Edgar Allan Poo says:
i smiled happily to myself
and walked back to my desk with a spring in my step

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
isn't it grand?

Edgar Allan Poo says:
it is

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
I love that spring
I feel SO good

Edgar Allan Poo says:
yah
me too

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
what should we do?
to celebrate

Edgar Allan Poo says:
i want to write an ode to satisfying poops

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
ohh

Edgar Allan Poo says:
let's write an ode

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
good idea

Edgar Allan Poo says:
Oh poop!!
(that's all i got)

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
An Ode to The Commode

Edgar Allan Poo says:
wait
it's coming
Oh poop!!
How glad I am of thee!
after the incommodious odiousness of the fullness of the bowels
you appear like fresh dew on a kitten's whisker
leaving me light and happy and free
i desire to admire thee
but
alas
i must flush thee

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
(butt)

Edgar Allan Poo says:
lol
that's all I got

Poopy Bysshe Shelley:
BRAVO!
BRAVO!!!

Book Blog

2007-09-05T12:17:00.000-04:00

Miss Teen USA South Carolina or Whoever She Was...and such says:
You should know that I am not really a joiner
so me joining a book club is a big deal
I might show up every Wednesday for a while
and I might bring snacks

Oprah says:
you're retarded

Miss Teen USA South Carolina or Whoever She Was...and such says:
but
after a while
I'll get lazy
who wrote the Zippy book?

Oprah says:
Haven Kimmel

Miss Teen USA South Carolina or Whoever She Was...and such says:
I want to go get it
before I get lazy
if I show up at next week's book club and say "I liked the part about the plants"
you'll know I got lazy
and didn't read it

Oprah says:
lolol

Blogassic Poop

2007-08-30T16:09:00.000-04:00

Pace says:
this morning I couldnt' find wibby

Poop says:
oh no

Pace says:
she was on the porch all yesterday evening and night
and she pooped out there
cause she was trapped
it wasn't her fault
so I'm not mad

Poop says:
poor wibbs
sometimes when I am trapped I poop too

Pace says:
i pace
looking for a way out
and keep testing the cage
like the raptors in Jurassic Park

Poop says:
not me

Pace says:
eventually i find a weakness
and escape
and eat everyone in the movie

Poop says:
I just sit down and poop
until someone finds me
or I get eaten by raptors

Pace says:
this is why i am better than you

Poop says:
one of the many reasons

Fundamentals of Blogic

2007-08-09T15:12:00.000-04:00

Teddy Roosevelt says:
hello
my internet went down like a three dollar street walker
but
I am back

Aristotle says:
lol
that's nice

Teddy Roosevelt says:
yah
I got email called "very very magic stick"
should I open it?

Aristotle says:
hmmmm
well
there are 2 ways to look at this
1) if you open it, a very very magic stick might materialize out of your computer and then you can go duel with that douchebag harry potter
or
2) it's spam

Teddy Roosevelt says:
oh
why do you hate Harry?

Aristotle says:
i don't

Teddy Roosevelt says:
I mean that kid had a pretty big burden to carry

Aristotle says:
i am just assuming that whoever sent you that stick hates harry potter

Teddy Roosevelt says:
oh
good point

Aristotle says:
why else would they send it to you all willy nilly anonymously and stuff
unless they wanted harry potter dead
think about it
it's logical

Teddy Roosevelt says:
it is
you are logical
you think things through
and then offer opionions
opinijiosns
opi-onions

Aristotle says:
logic flows from me like concrete blocks through a storm drain

Teddy Roosevelt says:
that's what I'm saying
(I typed "opi onions" up there)

Aristotle says:
i am ignoring it
(onions make me cry)

Teddy Roosevelt says:
some opinions make me cry
so we have a lot in common

Blogsplosion

2007-07-19T09:49:00.000-04:00

Natty Bumppo says:
oh dear lord!!!
are you covered with asbestos?

Cora says:
the plants on my little balcony are

Natty Bumppo says:
old faithfull erupted!
are you ok?
I didn't get your text till this morning!!

Cora says:
I'm fine
it was spooky though

Natty Bumppo says:
jeebers!!!!
so worried!!!!

Cora says:
it sounded like thunder

Natty Bumppo says:
BOOM!!!!!

Cora says:
long rolling thunder
I texted you

Natty Bumppo says:
yah!!

Cora says:
STAY ALIVE!!!!

Natty Bumppo says:
i didn't get it till this morning cause sprint is a tampon

Cora says:
lol

Natty Bumppo says:
i was like...nooooooooo!!!!
and then I took off in slo-mo running
with a grimace on my face
i was coming to find you

Cora says:
in the rain
I was staying alive
NO MATTER WHAT OCCURRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Natty Bumppo says:
then i got captured by indians

Cora says:
I was wondering why you never found me
my building was evacuated

Natty Bumppo says:
and when i got to you, the indians wanted to kill you
so i bargained
i traded them a priggish english soldier for you

Cora says:
haha
priggish
good word

Natty Bumppo says:
then your sister jumped off a cliff

Cora says:
this is quite a story
it should be a movie

Natty Bumppo says:
it was a dramatic morning
but listen
it's not over yet
i got this dude name Uncas to off the dude who kidnapped you
and then we stared off into the sunset

Cora says:
roll credits

Natty Bumppo says:
(blog?)

Cora says:
yah
with some edits maybe
I was rambling

Natty Bumppo says:
ok

Cora says:
CUZ IT WAS SCARY

Kim Blog Il

2007-07-18T14:03:00.000-04:00

White Text says:
hey! Korea stopped by on the 11th

Reddy says:
KOREA!!!
wowowow

White Text says:
I bet China told Korea about us

Reddy says:
Yeah
has China been by?

White Text says:
not recently
China has been busy

Reddy says:
Well, they have a lot going on
the cat food thing
the tooth paste thing

White Text says:
yah
they've been distracted
Korea is picking up the slack

Reddy says:
Korea has way more time on its hands

White Text says:
well, I wouldn't go that far
they've got a wacko on their northern border
that's gotta eat up some time

Reddy says:
Maybe it was Kim Jong Il that stopped by
I mean what has THAT guy got to do all day

White Text says:
i don't think N. Korea has internet access

Reddy says:
Kim Jong must

White Text says:
I think if it was him, he probably had to drive along the DMZ with his laptop, looking for a wireless signal to steal

Reddy says:
His day looks like this...
Breakfast, Oppress, oppress, oppress, lunch, more oppressing, oppress some more, dinner...
surely there is time for a little surfing

Blogivational Speaker

2007-07-02T12:46:00.001-04:00

Slacker says:
hi
I need to go to the bank now
but
I am feeling lazy
give me a pep talk

Concrastinator says:
make the money come to you

Slacker says:
a banking pep talk
is this like a Tony Robbins kind of motivational talk?
if I SEE the money, I will have the money
visualization type thing

Concrastinator says:
right
right
or
just don't go to the bank
what does it matter anyway?
you can't take it with you
one missed deposit or withdrawal won't alter the course of human events

Slacker says:
oh, this is more of a Dalai Lama type thing
Two different directions

Concrastinator says:
yah

Slacker says:
both worth looking into
I am torn

Concrastinator says:
wait
instead of going to the bank, i want you to take that money and buy a person
that person can do all your banking for you in the future so that you never have to worry about this again

Slacker says:
like a personal assistant
or a slave
I think that is illegal
the slave part

Concrastinator says:
not really

Slacker says:
slavery is legal?

Concrastinator says:
it's perfectly legal if you don't get caught
see the diff?

Slacker says:
good point
I do
you are a very good motivational speaker
You have convinced me to be a self-sufficient, slave owning Buddhist

Concrastinator says:
you go girl

Faceblog

2007-06-27T14:35:00.000-04:00

Friendster says:
so
hi
are we still fighting?
about faceplant
i mean facebook

Myspace says:
you tell me
I think fighting about facepaint is dumb
I mean facebook

Friendster says:
i wasn't the one who got all uppity about spacecamp
i mean facebook

Myspace says:
you freaked out when I said I wanted no part of fistfuck
I mean facebook

Friendster says:
show me where I freaked out about greasepuck
i mean facebook
(i can't top your last one)

Myspace says:
yah

Blog Spice

2007-06-25T10:22:00.000-04:00

Tarragon says:
so listen
scary spice was right
eddie is her baby's daddy
what do you think about THAT?

Paprika says:
I Think I am not THAT surprised

Tarragon says:
why do they fight?
what happened?
eddie is treating her like she's asbestos or something

Paprika says:
well

Tarragon says:
tell me

Paprika says:
Eddie just wanted a piece of spice, but I'm sure he didn't want to admit it in public

Tarragon says:
but
they were photographed together!
they are all "I love him, I love her"
then BAM

Paprika says:
well

Tarragon says:
eddie drops her like she's hot

Paprika says:
I guess he couldn't give her the ziga-zig-ah she needed
that's what she REALLY REALY wants

Tarragon says:
hhmmm
so sad

Paprika says:
it is
will they name the baby Bastard Spice?

Tarragon says:
Old Spice

Paprika says:
All Spice

Tarragon says:
Afro Spice
Spice Spice Baby
get it?

Paprika says:
yes
good one

Tarragon says:
thank you

Blog-izzle

2007-06-13T11:13:00.000-04:00

Rizzy says:
hello
are you so busy?
I am so busy

Whizzy says:
busy in a tizzy
we will be better next week

Rizzy says:
you aren't too busy to drop dope rhymes, I see

Whizzy says:
you're crizzy

Rizzy says:
crizzy like a fizzy

Whizzy says:
chillin' like Queen Lizzy

Rizzy says:
this chat makes me dizzy

Whizzy says:
(shorty)

Rizzy says:
yah

Whizzy says:
blog?
Blog-izzle?

Rizzy says:
yah

Whizzy says:
i will include a note that says that due to outside pressures (moving house, work) we have experienced a drop in our blog count
and thus have been unable to conceive a blog naturally

Rizzy says:
lol

Everybody Blogs You

2007-06-04T15:23:00.000-04:00

One Hit says:
I have to learn Everybody Wants You by Billy Squire for a gig on Friday
jealous?

Wonder says:
so jealous

One Hit says:
YOU GIVE IT ALL AWAAAAAY!!!!!
everybody wants you

Wonder says:
[hair toss]
[struts]

One Hit says:
yup

Wonder says:
[pouty lip]

One Hit says:
[rips tight pants]

Wonder says:
[stares upwards through tousled bangs]

One Hit says:
[thinks I am Robert Plant]

Wonder says:
[never makes another hit record again]

One Hit says:
[disappears from the public eye]
[makes millions from karaoke royalties]

Wonder says:
[lives on in the hearts of girls with no gaydar]

Blogeration Gap

2007-05-31T15:12:00.000-04:00

Ward & June Cleaver says:
so
what have you been up to?
did the blog miss me?
I missed the blog

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
i've been doing some stuff

Ward & June Cleaver says:
I took a picture of it with it though

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
wha?

Ward & June Cleaver says:
with me

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
you are retarded

Ward & June Cleaver says:
the good news is I am still retarded

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
i think the blog finds us boring

Ward & June Cleaver says:
the blog views us like its parents
it hides when we dance at parties

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
it shudders when we try to be 'cool'

Ward & June Cleaver says:
it calls its friends to tell them how lame we are when we don't let it go to the Green Day show

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
it gets pissed when we buy it a hyundai accent as it's first car

Ward & June Cleaver says:
the blog refused to come out of its room when we said it couldn't get a cell phone

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
the blog was grounded when we caught it hacking into another blog's computer

Ward & June Cleaver says:
the blog threw a tantrum when we started monitoring its Myspace page

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
the blog hides it's weed in the sock drawer

Ward & June Cleaver says:
the blog tried to run away from home after we told its friends it cried at the final episode of Gilmore Girls

Ozzie & Harriet Nelson says:
the blog has been chatting in chat rooms with a 47 year old, potbellied construction worker named "hawtsixteen4u"
(that's just wrong)
(i'm editing that out)

Ward & June Cleaver says:
(yah)

Day Late, Blog Short

2007-05-24T13:46:00.001-04:00

Crusty says:
we need to update
we haven't blogged in a while

Crouton says:
oh yeah
i can't

Crusty says:
oh

Crouton says:
i have a cold

Crusty says:
you can't type when you have a cold?

Crouton says:
right
ican'tavweonihave a cold
see?

Crusty says:
well, ok
I guess
hmmm
were we funny at all this week?

Crouton says:
not really
we're off this week
we're milk that's a day or two beyond it's expiration

Crusty says:
we are that chicken that's been in the back of the freezer for 6 months

Crouton says:
we're the cold pizza you eat in the morning

Crusty says:
we are Cameron Diaz after the breakup

Crouton says:
we are flat beer

Crusty says:
We are the corn chips from last weekend's picnic

Crouton says:
we're $19.10 balance when your ATM only dispenses twenties

Crusty says:
We are Britney's lip sync come back Vegas show

Crouton says:
we are the mateless sock from the dryer

Crusty says:
The good news is, we just blogged

Crouton says:
hey wow - look at that - we did

Bloggorrhoids

2007-05-17T11:51:00.000-04:00

Editors note: Read this first - Colonblogoscopy

H says:
NO BUTT PROBLEMS!!
just internal hemorrhoids
whew!
yay for hemorrhoids!

Preparation says:
woot!!

H says:
big ups!

Preparation says:
~break dances for roids~

H says:
~gives roids a home makeover~

Preparation says:
~buys roids a diamond necklace~

H says:
~gives roids a free year's lease on a cadillac escalade~

Preparation says:
~takes roids to Disney Land~

H says:
~gives roids a rose on 'Bachelor'~

Preparation says:
~votes for roids at 1-866-idols -02~

H says:
~honors roids with a star on the Roids Butt of Fame~

Preparation says:
let's stop there
that's a good one
I like that we closed the butt chapter
wrapped up the butt
your butt needed closure
wait
you know what I mean
addendum
add-end-um
I kill myself

Blog In The Fast Lane

2007-05-09T14:30:00.000-04:00

Don Henley says:
I just finished one of my things
now I have one big thing and two medium things and two small things
I like crossing things off my list

Joe Walsh says:
yes
i do too
i crossed this off earlier today:
'say hi to don henley'

Don Henley says:
done

Joe Walsh says:
yep

Don Henley says:
you deserve a vacation

Joe Walsh says:
yes
that was a hard one to accomplish
hey
i just crossed this one off:
'blink'

Don Henley says:
good god woman...slow down!
you are going to burn out

Joe Walsh says:
what's this?
I can't read my writing
expale?
exhaie?
ooooh
exhale
crossed off

Don Henley says:
I mean it, I am worried
this life in the fast lane stuff is going to come back to you!

Joe Walsh says:
~slows down~
~crosses 'slow down' off list~

Don Henley says:
I bet you feel better already

Joe Walsh says:
~crosses 'feel better already' off list~
i'm in a rut
burn my list please

Don Henley says:
~crosses 'burn Joe's list' off list.~

Blogs and Roses

2007-05-08T11:35:00.000-04:00

Slash says:
hi

Izzy says:
hi

Slash says:
what is the deal on Axl Rose?
I mean...that guy is weird, right?

Izzy says:
i am so glad you asked
you get two axls for the price of one
that is the deal

Slash says:
that's a pretty good deal, I guess

Izzy says:
yah

Slash says:
so we get old school bandana, punching fans in the face Axl

Izzy says:
right

Slash says:
and new school plastic surgery make the same record for 12 years Axl
for one
good deal

Izzy says:
yes

Slash says:
ok
I'm glad I asked

Izzy says:
i'm here to help

Slash says:
it is a good thing
cuz
do you know where I am???
I'm in the jungle baby

Izzy says:
welcome
to
the
jungle
na na na na na na na knees knees

Slash says:
You're gonna Diiiiiiiiiiiii-IIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Izzy says:
lol

Slash says:
is that blog worthy?

Izzy says:
no

Theater of the Blogsurd

2007-05-04T13:02:00.000-04:00

Shields says:
hi
HI

Yarnell says:
hello
how are you

Shields says:
I am fine

Yarnell says:
that is good to hear

Shields says:
we are robots

Yarnell says:
we are
i am in need of oil

Shields says:
~short circuits~

Yarnell says:
~takes over the spaceship - steers into the Monolith~

Shields says:
~feels fear even though robots are not supposed to be able to feel~

Yarnell says:
i don't like this conversation
it's going nowhere
let's pretend to be weasels

Shields says:
ok

Yarnell says:
~sniffs~

Shields says:
sniffs stuff
olololol

Yarnell says:
~does weaselly things~
~talks about weasel stuff~

Shields says:
~acts like weasel~

Yarnell says:
~cries like a weasel~

Shields says:
~eats weasel food~

Yarnell says:
~eats weasel babies~
(isn't that what weasels do? no wait - that's hamsters)
~regurgitates weasel babies~

Shields says:
ok
this one ended badly too

Yarnell says:
yah
hmmm

Shields says:
let's pretend to be mimes

Yarnell says:
ok
~ ~

Shields says:
~ ~

Yarnell says:
lololol

Smell-o-Blog

2007-05-03T14:59:00.000-04:00

Glen Ross says:
know something?
i think if we could get a third reader roped in, our blog could really take off
we need to think of attractive sign up offers
30% off your next blog reading if you sign up now

Glen Garry says:
ohh

Glen Ross says:
we could offer a blog entry at factory invoice

Glen Garry says:
good idea
how about some sort of bonus for our current readers if they bring in new readers?

Glen Ross says:
that's a good idea
why should we do all the work?

Glen Garry says:
exactly

Glen Ross says:
they need to get off their asses

Glen Garry says:
right

Glen Ross says:
it's only right that they fetch us new readers for all the chuckles we give them

Glen Garry says:
for free, I might add

Glen Ross says:
we just give and give and give and what do they do in return?
nothing

Glen Garry says:
ok
so
what do we offer?

Glen Ross says:
how about we'll THINK about not kicking them off the blog

Glen Garry says:
ok

Glen Ross says:
we'll give them 3 days
they each have to bring one person
or it's "you never know whatchoo got till it's gone"

Glen Garry says:
ok
but
what if they fail?
then we will have no fan (s)
and, you know, I do this for the fan (s)

Glen Ross says:
i didn't think about that

Glen Garry says:
~punches chest and points at fan (s)~

Glen Ross says:
you're crafty
sure - make yourself look good at my expense
I CARE TOO!

Glen Garry says:
you better start chest punching and pointing then

Glen Ross says:
~smashes head with a hammer - passes out on fan (s) lap~
that was a bit overboard

Glen Garry says:
maybe
it was passionate

Glen Ross says:
it was rash

Glen Garry says:
our fan(s) like that
but that's what they love about you

Glen Ross says:
our fan (s) eat peanut butter and dust and wear the same marcel marceau shirt every day

Glen Garry says:
good point
but
that is a nice shirt

Glen Ross says:
it looks good on her
but
it's gotta smell by now

Glen Garry says:
it is a good thing we don't have a smell-o-blog

Glen Ross says:
oh that would be so AWESOME!

Glen Garry says:
I'll work on it

Glen Ross says:
whoever invents that technology is set for life
and you KNOW what's gonna be the first smell on the internet?
doody

Glen Garry says:
yep
people love doody

Glen Ross says:
people are fascinated

Glen Garry says:
people are weird

Glen Ross says:
people need to get us more fan (s)
PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN!! Coffee is for closers!!

Blog Rush

2007-05-02T14:08:00.000-04:00

Willy Wonka says:
i just had a packet of skittles
the sugar rush is making me skittish

Jolly Rancher says:
do you feel zoomie?
spinny?
wooozy?

Willy Wonka says:
zippy

Jolly Rancher says:
are you turning color?
rainbowy?
you will cycle through the primaries soon
then stay yellow
for 6 or 7 hours

Willy Wonka says:
i think i am crashing now

Jolly Rancher says:
uh oh
the only thing to do
is
eat more skittles
or
pass out in a puddle of rainbow vomit

Willy Wonka says:
ooo
i like the second choice

Free Beer And Chicken

2007-05-01T11:55:00.000-04:00

Frito Lay says:
theblog
whohascome?

Nabisco says:
i'llgocheck

Frito Lay says:
what just happen to my space bar?

Nabisco says:
idunno

Frito Lay says:
that was weird
anyhoodles

Nabisco says:
utah, connecticut
brooklyn

Frito Lay says:
utah!
Mormons!

Nabisco says:
(adriana)

Frito Lay says:
oh
brooklyn...
Todd?

Nabisco says:
maybe
no foreign countries
we must have tightened up the borders

Frito Lay says:
border reform
I think it is the Minute Men keeping them out
or Lou Dobbs

Nabisco says:
i think it is trans fats
or Britney spears

Frito Lay says:
I think it is high fructose corn syrup
or Alec Baldwin
This is good
we need a good conspiracy theory on the blog
blogspiracy

Nabisco says:
listen
62.5% of our visitors stay longer than an hour
i think we should leave them coffee or something

Frito Lay says:
snacks
but
then we run the risk of having them just hanging around all the time
for the snacks
and coffee

Nabisco says:
this is true
but if we don't give them chips and salsa or something, aren't we being bad hostesses?
i mean
we don't have to GIVE it to them
but we could offer

Frito Lay says:
ok
as long as they clean up after themselves
I ain't nobody's maid

Nabisco says:
"Welcome to Blah Blah Blahg - would you like some doritos?"

Frito Lay says:
ohhh
then we could get an endorsement from Frito Lay

Nabisco says:
yep

Frito Lay says:
prodcut placement is very lucrative

Nabisco says:
yep
even for products we have no intention of giving to our consumers

Frito Lay says:
did I type "prodcut"?
I did

Nabisco says:
you did
we'll never get a product endorsement from Hooked on Phonics now. thanks.

Frito Lay says:
sorry

Liar Liar Blog On Fire

2007-04-30T16:38:00.000-04:00

Gepetto says:
hi

Pinocchio says:
hi

Gepetto says:
i am thinking about calling you a liar

Pinocchio says:
ok
go ahead
why?

Gepetto says:
relax
i said i was THINKING about it

Pinocchio says:
ok
let me know when you decide

Gepetto says:
i'm gonna put it on the back burner for a while
and then, BAM, when you least expect it, I either will or won't call you a liar

Pinocchio says:
ok
can you gimme a hint?
what did I maybe lie about causing you to THINK about calling me a liar?

Gepetto says:
you said you'd be right back

Pinocchio says:
oh
well

Gepetto says:
listen

Pinocchio says:
yes?
ok

Gepetto says:
i really want you to be aware
and be on the look out for the time that, when you least expect it, I DON'T call you a liar

Pinocchio says:
ok

Gepetto says:
so watch for it

Pinocchio says:
I am ready anytime you suddenly don't call me a liar

Gepetto says:
there

see?
I didn't just call you a liar
were you surprised? not expecting it?

Pinocchio says:
nope
I was ready

Gepetto says:
crap
i'll try again later

Pinocchio says:
you have to get up pretty early in the morning to not call me a liar

And the winner is....

2007-04-25T12:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, you'll recall that we asked our loyal readers to come up with an explanation for our blogsence that incorporated a few disparate elements.

This is the winning entry.

Thank you, Swollen Colon!

My Colon is More Swollen Than Yours said...
The call came at 5:30 in the morning. Reddy awoke from her blissful slumber to the manaical ramblings of White Text urging her to come to the train station immediately. Reddy, always compliant to whatever ridiculous instructions White Text gave, strapped on her combat boots, punched her sleeping Aunt Patty in the face and ran out the door and down to the train station.

"What's going on!?", Reddy asks impatiently.

White Text explains, "We need to go to Africa, Reddy. The future of the American Idol franchise depends on it. I'll explain on the train."

Reddy, always the more observant of the two, points out, "White Text, this is a train station. We can't take a train to Africa."

White text, oblivious to this keen observation, states, "Get your ticket and follow me!"

They board the train and spot two adjoining seats. Just as they are about to sit down, a vicious street gang traipses over and serenades the two beautiful protagonists with a lovely ditty about chrome plated rims and drugs. After the performance, Reddy punches several of them in the face as a token of her appreciation.

As the train gained speed, the rhythmic sounds of the wheels on the rails lulls the pair to sleep, but only momentarily. After only a few short minutes, White Text awakes and screams, "We must get off the train! Now! The future of Macauly Culkin depends on it!"

Again, Reddy is unquestionably accomodating and they proceed to the nearest emergency exit. After prying open the latch and swinging the door open, White Text shoves Reddy out of the speeding train and quickly jumps out after her.

After quite a hard landing, they find themselves a bit shaken and somwhere in the Bronx. Unphased, they quickly carjack a Chevy Suburban and start driving. White Text, having never driven before, chooses to drive on the wrong side of the road and deftly maneuvers around oncoming traffic. Then, as they are speeding down the busy road, they hear a shrill scream from the backseat. Reddy turns to see the ghostly white face of a Catholic priest nervously making the sign of the cross repeatedly. Reddy screams, "Calm down, Father! Calm down!", before punching him in the face. The priest thanks her and then dives out of the moving vehicle.

After driving for hours, apparently with no destination in mind, White Text falls asleep and they crash into a bus full of zombies and aliens headed to a rally in support of Senator Hillary Clinton.

"Dude," White Text delcards, "I'm tired."

They fall asleep among the pile of dead zombies and aliens.

The End

(I totally ran out of time at the end so it got rushed)

Blogsence

2007-04-24T15:01:00.000-04:00

Pork Buns says:
hey

Crabmeat says:
yes?

Pork Buns says:
how are we going to explain our blogsence to our readers?
(that's absence, blogstyle)
they're not going to believe us when we say we were in GA and CA
we need to come up with a juicy story

Crabmeat says:
tell them we have taken a leave of blogsence for personal reasons
and let them speculate wildly
or
make up a juicy story
and leak small details

Pork Buns says:
i like the juicy story option

Crabmeat says:
the story must include:
aliens, drugs, Africa, street gangs, a priest, a stripper, my aunt Patty, zombies and a senator

Pork Buns says:
ok
maybe we should open this up to the readers
challenge them to explain our absence with a story that includes those details

Crabmeat says:
yes
I think that was my idea in the first place
but whatever
you never listen to me

Pork Buns says:
you never make sense

Crabmeat says:
shut up and pass the cheese

Pork Buns says:
you never said WHO was supposed to make up the juicy story

Crabmeat says:
fine

Pork Buns says:
don't you tell me to shut up

Crabmeat says:
I didn't mean shut up in the traditional sense

Pork Buns says:
how did you mean it, then?

Crabmeat says:
I meant shut up as in "please continue talking"

Pork Buns says:
riiight

Crabmeat says:
anywho
let's ask the readers to tell us where we have been

Pork Buns says:
duh. that was my idea

Crabmeat says:
sigh
yes it was your idea

Reunion

2007-04-10T10:08:00.000-04:00

White Text says:
did you hate me a lot yesterday
oh
and
hi

Reddy says:
I did not hate you
oh and
hi

White Text says:
hi

Reddy says:
you signed in and out 437 times though

White Text says:
i know
it's the puter
hey
i am getting my toe sawed in half tomorrow
are you excited for me?

Reddy says:
wow
can I have the extra piece?
please?

White Text says:
yes

Reddy says:
thank you
I will cherish it
I will wear it around my neck Angelina and Billy Bob style
as a tribute
to you
and your toes

White Text says:
awwww
i will go out and adopt an antarctic baby and name it Reddy

Reddy says:
I am going to purchase a star and call it White Text the Star

White Text says:
when I become a billionaire I will blast myself into space and name a lavatory on the international space station after you

Reddy says:
I will fly around the world in a hot air balloon and the mountain I crash into will be called Mount McWhite Text

White Text says:
i will quietly teach canadian children to speak american and after i die, i will leave all my estate to the "Reddy Institute for Talking Real Good, Eh?"

Reddy says:
We really missed each other

White Text says:
we really did

Blog of Dreams

2007-03-22T14:50:00.000-04:00

Shoeless Joe says:
no one loves our blog anymore

James Earl Jones says:
give it time
sometimes people need a break

Shoeless Joe says:
no
our blog is life
if people take a break, they will die

James Earl Jones says:
yes, but they have to come to that on their own
we show them the path
they must walk it

Shoeless Joe says:
wait
you are willing to have people die?
because of their own ignorance?

James Earl Jones says:
no

Shoeless Joe says:
we must intervene

James Earl Jones says:
I believe the people will find the path before death
If we blog it
they will come
we cannot force them to come
we can only show the way
light the path

Shoeless Joe says:
and sell hotdogs and foam #1 fingers and pennants?

James Earl Jones says:
now you're getting it

Fight Blog

2007-03-22T12:38:00.000-04:00

Tyler Durden says:
SMMMMMAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ed Norton says:
ow
[gets dizzy]
[falls down]

Tyler Durden says:
[kicks in the ribs]
NOW STAY DOWN!

Ed Norton says:
[reaches for the knife in boot]

Tyler Durden says:
[steps on hand]
[kicks knife away]

Ed Norton says:
[plays dead]

Tyler Durden says:
[falls for it]

Ed Norton says:
[clubs tyler durden in the eye with a turkey drumstick]

Tyler Durden says:
[eye swells due to rare turkey allergy]
[goes blind]

Ed Norton says:
[runs away]

Tyler Durden says:
[can't find way home]
[dies alone]
the end

Bloggervention

2007-03-21T15:04:00.000-04:00

Robert Downey Jr. says:
hi

Dr. Phil says:
hi

Robert Downey Jr. says:
i'm worried about the blog

Dr. Phil says:
me too
We are neglecting it

Robert Downey Jr. says:
i'm almost afraid to say why I am worried about the blog
because to voice the concerns is to make them real
maybe if we just ignore the blog it will get better
you know - pretend the blog's problems don't exist
we'll starve the blog's problems of attention
good plan?

Dr. Phil says:
That would be like ignoring the elephant on the blog

Robert Downey Jr. says:
the 400 lb Blogorilla in the middle of the room

Dr. Phil says:
exactly

Robert Downey Jr. says:
this is dire
what do we do?

Dr. Phil says:
we need to address it
head on

Robert Downey Jr. says:
how?
intervention?

Dr. Phil says:
yes
blogervention

Robert Downey Jr. says:
or do we just wait until Dog arrests the blog for jumping bail?

Dr. Phil says:
that will be too late
we can save the blog
before it comes to that

Robert Downey Jr. says:
(but I wanna meet Dog & Beth)

Dr. Phil says:
(I know)

Robert Downey Jr. says:
(I'm willing to neglect the blog if that means I get to meet Dog & Beth)

Dr. Phil says:
(and I want Angelina Jolie to adopt me...but we can't have everything can we?)

Blogitorial Standards

2007-03-19T15:30:00.000-04:00

Mike Reno says:
I dunno if that last one was a very good blog
maybe a shorty

Anne Murray says:
what?
but
i'm editing NOW

Mike Reno says:
I re read it

Anne Murray says:
FINE

Mike Reno says:
oh is it funny?

Anne Murray says:
i'll dump it
FINE

Mike Reno says:
I thought it was sort of funny
but blog worthy?

Anne Murray says:
(we gotta blog SOMETHING)

Mike Reno says:
ok

Anne Murray says:
are you accusing me of lowering blog standards?

Mike Reno says:
I'm saying we don't want to settle
just because we have to get something out

Anne Murray says:
ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF LOWERING BLOG STANDARDS.
just come out and say it
you don't trust my judgment - my blogment - anymore
fine
FINE

Mike Reno says:
Well, I think you just wanna bang stuff out without considering the quality

Anne Murray says:
i don't care anymore
FINE
I DO ALL THE WORK AND YOU JUST SIT THERE IN YOUR LA TI DA WORLD AND PASS JUDGEMENT
JUDGMENT
aw fuck it
YOU JUDGE!!
YOU'RE A JUDGER!!

Mike Reno says:
I think you had a lapse in blogment
but
it is Monday

Anne Murray says:
that's right
we suck on Mondays

Blogged Forces

2007-03-19T15:12:00.000-04:00

<

Anne Murray says:
hi
i'm young
i'm wild
i'm free
got the magic power of the music in me

Mike Reno says:
do you hope the D-jay-ay is gonna play your fa-ayvrit sooong?

Anne Murray says:
(I don't know that one)

Mike Reno says:
same song

Anne Murray says:
oh

Mike Reno says:
Triumph!

Anne Murray says:
oh

Mike Reno says:
from Canada!

Anne Murray says:
oh
'splains why I don't know all the words
they're singing in canadian

Mike Reno says:

what is that album called?

Anne Murray says:
billed forces?

Mike Reno says:
huh?

Anne Murray says:
blued forkes?

Mike Reno says:
maybe

Anne Murray says:
oh! blogged forces!!

Mike Reno says:
POWER TRIO!
RIK EMMETT!

Anne Murray says:
the singer sounds like a butched up Geddy Lee'

Mike Reno says:
yup
this is him

I met him once when I was in college

Mike Reno says:
doing sound set up at a guitar conference

Anne Murray says:
did he try to lick your teeth?

Mike Reno says:
no
he had big hair

Anne Murray says:
what's wrong with him?

Mike Reno says:
he spells his name Rik
not Rick

Anne Murray says:
that explains a lot

Mike Reno says:
this is all of them

Mike Reno says:
TRIUMPH!

Anne Murray says:
RETARDS!

To Kill A Mocking Blog (Blahg)

2007-03-16T11:53:00.000-04:00

Scout says:
know what?

Atticus says:
what?

Scout says:
i'm wondering if we should change the titles
"blahg-a-lope" instead of blogalope
"sweet blahgs are made of this"
etc

Atticus says:
hmmm
naw

Scout says:
cause we ARE blah blah Blahg
it's like we're "branding" ourselves

Atticus says:
hmm
well
maybe we can start fresh with it
but not go back

Scout says:
it's a tough call

Atticus says:
it is

Scout says:
because we're mocking blogs
so maybe in that sense, it's good to keep it the way it is

Atticus says:
right
I don't want to kill the purity of the back blogs
but
if you want to change from this point on, I am cool with that

Scout says:
let's think about it for a while

Atticus says:
it'll be like on Happy Days when Chuck disappeared
it just happened
they didn't talk about it

Scout says:
yah
just....gone

Atticus says:
ok, so, let it marinate, and then we'll decide if we want to kill the purity of the mocking
to kill a mocking blog

Bloggin' On Up

2007-03-16T11:25:00.000-04:00

George Jefferson says:
so

Weezy says:
so

George Jefferson says:
i gave it some thought last night

Weezy says:
oh good
gave what some thought?

George Jefferson says:
we've established a solid fan base of two. we are consistently funnier than anyone except perhaps The Eug.
it's time for the next level
we need to kick it up a notch

Weezy says:
ok

George Jefferson says:
do you want to turn down a development deal from comedy central or should i?

Weezy says:
go ahead

George Jefferson says:
ok

Weezy says:
you like to be the hatchet man

George Jefferson says:
i'm good at saying no
watch
"no"
see?

Weezy says:
very good

George Jefferson says:
ok
that's set
what else are we gonna do to elevate our game?

Weezy says:
maybe have some sort of call in voting system?
people seem to like that

George Jefferson says:
oooo GOOD IDEA
i'm thinking we're going to need to date some emerging actors and actresses
not a-listers
"emerging"

Weezy says:
maybe someone from the OC

George Jefferson says:
you can have mischa barton

Weezy says:
or One Tree Hill
what is One Tree Hill?

George Jefferson says:
it is a tree
by itself
on a hill

Weezy says:
ok

George Jefferson says:
or
it is one hill, full of trees

Weezy says:
doesn't matter
I will date someone from One Tree Hill
and dump her in public

George Jefferson says:
oooo - GOOD TWIST
who will i date?

Weezy says:
you can date someone from the cast of SNL

George Jefferson says:
blech no

Weezy says:
one of those people nobody knows

George Jefferson says:
maybe i won't date anyone and make people wonder if i am asexual

Weezy says:
good idea

George Jefferson says:
maybe i'll bring my mom or my dog to awards shows

Weezy says:
then you have to suddenly have 2 small children
and people will wonder where they came from
but
you will NOT talk about your private life

George Jefferson says:
can i adopt them from antarctica?

Weezy says:
sure!
but
it doesn't matter
you can even just borrow them for photo ops

George Jefferson says:
ok
i think you need to find some sort of mystical cult to belong to
like the shriners

Weezy says:
right?

George Jefferson says:
right what?

Weezy says:
nothing
ignore ?
right
oki
-i

George Jefferson says:
+retard

Weezy says:
right

George Jefferson says:
(was this too scattered for bloggage?)

Weezy says:
maybe a few small ediots
hahahah
ediots
that is a good typo

George Jefferson says:
lolololol

Blog-A-Lope

2007-03-15T15:50:00.000-04:00

Al Gore says:
the internet is a crazy land of make believe and reality intersecting

Bill Gates says:
it intersects with intersectyness

Al Gore says:
it should be called "the intersect" instead

Bill Gates says:
it should be called "the interweave"

Al Gore says:
it should be called the interlope

Bill Gates says:
weave for short

Al Gore says:
the lope

Bill Gates says:
"see you on the weave" sounds better than "see you on the lope"
we would have an "weaveblog" instead of a weblog

Al Gore says:
lopeblog
blog-a-lope

Bill Gates says:
"lopeblog" sounds like a contagious disease

Al Gore says:
in french it would be "L'ope"

Bill Gates says:
in canadian it would be "re-tard"

We'd Like To Spank The Blogcademy

2007-03-13T14:51:00.000-04:00

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
hi
i came back

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
I'm glad
because
I was just reading "the Bloggies"
the blog awards

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
what?
DID WE WIN???

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
and I need to know why we didn't win best Asian Blog?
2007 Bloggies

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
we didn't?
but we're HUGE in China!

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
I know
We were robbed

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
we're above awards
we're marlon brando sending sacheen littlefeather to refuse our oscar

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
ok
but
couldn't we at least GO to the show and act bored?
or
make a speech about how awards shows don't matter
like Fiona Apple
or eddie Vedder

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
that's true - it's a great excuse for getting dressed up and getting a closeted gay male celebrity to escort us

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
Yeah, I wanna be a beard

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
but
here's the thing

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
what?

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
our blog shits bloglets bigger than those blogs

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
that is my point
We was robbed

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
do we need to MAKE our point, tho?

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
our point is making no point
or something

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
isn't it enough that the world is littered with blogs not worthy of our colon?
(i am so confused by this converstation)
(converstation)

Fiona Apple or Eddie Vedder says:
(yah)
(me too)

Sacheen Littlefeather says:
(blogging it up now)

Mediocre Mondays

2007-03-13T09:39:00.000-04:00

Wednesday Addams says:
Did you notice that our Monday blogs are the weakest of the week?

Tuesday Weld says:
hi
yes

Wednesday Addams says:
The weekend slows us down

Tuesday Weld says:
yes
it takes a while to get our mojo back

Wednesday Addams says:
yeah
Maybe we could come up with some weekend exercises
to keep us warm

Tuesday Weld says:
or maybe we can just be cool with the fact that we don't bring our A game on Mondays

Wednesday Addams says:
Sure we can...but what about our readers?
they need a little Monday kick

Tuesday Weld says:
if we pander to the readers, they'll get soft
they'll demand perfection all the time
they'll demand blue ribbons just for participating
i think we owe it to our readers not to foster a climate of entitlement

Wednesday Addams says:
so - you are saying that mediocre Mondays are important

Tuesday Weld says:
yes
it's for their own good that we suck on Mondays

Blogging in Real Time: The Black Hole of Calcutta

2007-03-12T13:58:00.000-04:00

click on the pic to see it bigger

White Text says:
hey - great show last saturday night

Reddy says:
hey-thanks

White Text says:
hey - remember how we had some beers after the show?

Reddy says:
hey - yes

White Text says:
hey - remember how we blogged in real time over beer?

Reddy says:
hey - I sure do

White Text says:
hey - remember how it was funny cause we were blogging face to face instead of keyboard to keyboard? let's recreate that for our readers

Reddy says:
Hey - hey! great idea

White Text says:
ok
i'll start
"i love our blog"

Reddy says:
"me too"

White Text says:
"hey - listen. this will be hard for you to hear, but it has to be said. you should know that me and the blog got married this weekend"
"we thought about inviting you"

Reddy says:
"[stunned silence]"

White Text says:
"but we figured that we'd just drop the bomb on you in a public place so that you can't freak out or anything"

Reddy says:
"I...uh...."
"don't you think that was sort of rude?"

White Text says:
"no. i think it was wise. the blog loves me best. we didn't want to chance a volatile reaction on your part"

Reddy says:
(I forget what I said next)
(this is why the blog loves you best)

White Text says:
(something about questioning my blog judgment or whatever)
(then scott started being funny at me and I totally lost my train of thought)

Reddy says:
(right...I remember that)

White Text says:
maybe we're not so funny when we blog in real time

Reddy says:
yeah

White Text says:
tho it SEEMED funny at the time

Reddy says:
reading it back it isn't so good

White Text says:
i blame the beer and the Black Hole of Calcutta that was your performance venue

Reddy says:
jesus, that place was hot

White Text says:
so frickin hot
they had ceiling fans
they never turned them on

Reddy says:
I got 3rd degree burns in that place

White Text says:
i scalded my liver

Reddy says:
the sushi I had ordered was completely cooked by the time I got off stage

White Text says:
McDonalds was using that stage as a back up burger warmer

Reddy says:
George Hamilton was evening out his tan while we played

White Text says:
(i'm out)

Reddy says:
(me too)

---------------------

Reasons Why I Love That Pic of Reddy Up There:
a list by White Text

1) Reddy's eyes look piggy
2) There is much redness
3) Reddy looks like she could eat my head in one gulp
4) Reddy's hands look like hooves
5) Reddy's eyes look like sunken DEATH
666) Reddy is the devil and doesn't care who knows it

Blog By Me

2007-03-08T10:50:00.000-05:00

Will says:
i love our blog
the map blog has 4 comments
the colonblog has none

River says:
ohh lemme look

Will says:
i think we scared people with the colon blow
blow?

River says:
yah
blow
yeah, I think the readers stopped at Hobbes

Will says:
yah
mistake?
should we unblog it?

River says:
no
they can suck it up
they need to take the good with the bad

Will says:
but
(butt)
we're not here to throw harsh reality in their face
we're "ourimsarefunnierthanyours"
not "ourcolonsaremoreswollenthanyours"

River says:
yeah but
(butt)
sometimes our colons are swollen
and they should stand by us
I don't not want these kind of flat-leavin fans
I want stand by your man fans
STAND BY YOUR BLOG

Will says:
don't not want

River says:
right
I like to keep 'em on their toes

Will says:
i like to keep them upwind of us

River says:
good idea

Colonblogoscopy

2007-03-07T14:26:00.000-05:00

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
hi

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
hi

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
hi
my tummy hurts

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
uh oh

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
i hope i don't have an ulcer
i bet i do

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
you thnk?
I thought I did
but I don't
go get checked

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
I have a GI appt next Wednesday

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
good

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
they need to check my butt

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
ohhh

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
cause of the bleeding

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
butt check

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
but i'll alert them to my tummy too
cause it's getting worse

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
are they doing a full butt/insides check?

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
it's a referral
i told my regular doc about the butt stuff
and he sent me to a gastroenterologist
so i think this appt will be like "hi, I'm rectum, my butt's bleeding and my tummy burns"

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
right

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
and i'll be ezxamined

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
right

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
ezxamined

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
yes

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
and then they will schedule tests for me

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
right
I have had butt checks
I have had more stuff up my butt than george michael at the prom

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
lololol

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
that is what happened to me
colonoscopy, ultra sound, butt check, this check, that check

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
everywhere a check check

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
right
and they said...
here is some medication that you can get at the drug store
then they shoved me out the door

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
TMI Bloggy

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
ok

Rectum? I Didn't Even Know Him! says:
find me a pic

I Am Jack's Pancreas says:
ok
listen
I am going to give you some helpful advice
do not google "butt check"

Travelblog (plus)

2007-03-06T11:30:00.000-05:00

Easy Rider says:
I have been meaning to ask you
why is your avatar the interstate system?

Fear and Loathing says:
because it is cool
it is a schematic
click here
that's what it looks like up close

Easy Rider says:
yeah, I have always been a big fan of the interstates of America

Fear and Loathing says:
you are mocking me

Easy Rider says:
I am not

Fear and Loathing says:
are too

Easy Rider says:
I have taken a million road trips
and I am always amazed that you can actually get places
I dig it
for real

Fear and Loathing says:
interstate 35 has to be the most boring interstate
Minneapolis, Albert Lea (wth?), Des Moines, Kansas City, Oklahoma City, Dallas, San Antonio....
BORING

Easy Rider says:
I sort of dig on I-80

Fear and Loathing says:
and look at the bee line that I-44 takes between Chicago and Wichita Falls - is that really necessary?

Easy Rider says:
no, they over did it there
what are your thoughts on I-40?

Fear and Loathing says:
I-40 looks like an excellent interstate upon which to get ambushed by the "Deliverance" hicks

Easy Rider says:
yeah, but you got your Smokey Mountains and later on your red sands of NM

Fear and Loathing says:
still

Easy Rider says:
just keep the doors locked

Fear and Loathing says:
exactly

Easy Rider says:
and the windows up
and travel armed
plus, you can say hi to Elvis

Fear and Loathing says:
what do you think of the I-71 through I-81 cluster?

Easy Rider says:
a little messy
plus
who wants to go to any of those places?

Fear and Loathing says:
yeah, i'm just not so sure that all that many people are clamoring to drive through Ohio
(I think we blogged)

Easy Rider says:
yup
rat-a-tat
plus
this one is educational

Editor's note: There will be a special prize for the person who correctly sums up the number of times Reddy says "plus" in this post.

Sweet Blogs Are Made Of This

2007-03-05T14:40:00.000-05:00

Annie Lennox says:
I had a dream last night

Dave Stewart says:
oooo!
tell

Annie Lennox says:
where I was having dinner with my boss and Sandra Bernhard

Dave Stewart says:
lol

Annie Lennox says:
and instead of ordering off the menu, I just ate my credit cards

Dave Stewart says:
lolol!!
you ate your credit cards?

Annie Lennox says:
yes

Dave Stewart says:
were they nutritious?

Annie Lennox says:
crunch crunch
a little tough
Sandra Berhard said I didn't have to eat them, and that she would buy me something
but I really wanted to eat my credit cards

Dave Stewart says:
sprinkle some mango ginger vinaigrette on them

Annie Lennox says:
exactly

Dave Stewart says:
lol
what did your boss think of all this?

Annie Lennox says:
he didn't say anything
he was just eating

Dave Stewart says:
oh
wanna hear about my dream?

Annie Lennox says:
yes

Dave Stewart says:
i dreamt that Prince William offered to drive me to my podiatry appt this morning
but when I got up, i felt like walking

Annie Lennox says:
hahaahaha

Dave Stewart says:
so i called Prince William's cell phone
and I go, "uh, hi, Prince William?"
and some royal flunky goes "no, may I ask who's calling?"
so i tell him who I am and what I'm calling about
and he goes "right - hang on" then covers the mouthpiece and screams out "WILLIAM!!!! PHONE!!!!"

Annie Lennox says:
lol

Dave Stewart says:
then his private secretary gets on
and i explain who I am and why I'm calling (ie I don't need a ride to the podiatrist) and the private secretary goes "so veddy sorry, he's already left to pick you up"
and then the dream ended

Annie Lennox says:
here is what I like about your dreams
they are linear, yet absurdly cast

Dave Stewart says:
lol

Mugs and Jugs

2007-03-02T12:39:00.000-05:00

Megalomaniac says:
todd's latest what's happening has me peeing

Innocent Bystander says:
he is so funny
THAT is how you write a personal blog
no ego byullshit
byullshit

Megalomaniac says:
bee-YOOL-SHIT!!
i am trying to badger him into sending me a coffee cup
do you think he will send me a coffee cup?

Innocent Bystander says:
yes

Megalomaniac says:
i sent him an email asking him what I had to do to have a coffee cup sent to me
and he emailed me back and said "win bingo"
so i clarified myself
i said "i don't actually want to DO anything, I just want the mug to appear on my doorstep. So, I guess what i meant to say is what do YOU have to do to make sure I have a mug?"

Innocent Bystander says:
ha

Megalomaniac says:
he didn't email me back
so i sent him a fake bingo card

Innocent Bystander says:
haahhaha
your card is great
he has to send you one now

Megalomaniac says:
thank you
i think we need to blog this
not because it's funny
but because it will keep the pressure on him to give me a mug. publicly.

Megalomaniac says:
and we can periodically revisit my attempts (or non attempts) to get a mug from him
we can create a sidebar thingy "did white text get her mug yet?"
and then under that:
"no"
just like that

Innocent Bystander says:
I think our other readers will not enjoy this inside joke
make it a separate thing
not an official blog entry

Megalomaniac says:
listen
i am not above using the blog for personal gain
and considering that I do all the work, i think you can give me THIS ONE THING
I want a goddamn mug
I DESERVE A GODDAMN MUG
and todd better give me one

Innocent Bystander says:
I think you will do whatever you want because you are the boss of the blog

Megalomaniac says:
don't you dare try to make me feel like I am using my powers for evil
cause i will smite you

Innocent Bystander says:
I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself
good
and hard

Megalomaniac says:
i will smite you faster than antonella barba can whip off her tank top

Innocent Bystander says:
That is fast

Megalomaniac says:
it is so fast, it is invisible to the naked eye
get it?
naked
you get so much bang for your joke buck with me
this is why i deserve a mug

Innocent Bystander says:
I like to call her Atonalella
has anyone used that yet?

Megalomaniac says:
no

Innocent Bystander says:
use it

Megalomaniac says:
i like to call her Suckafella

Innocent Bystander says:
ha
I like to call her anytime

Megalomaniac says:
i smell some Reddy photoshops in Suckafella's future

Innocent Bystander says:
ha
I don't even think she is that hot
she's ok
she is no McPhee

Megalomaniac says:
hold on
i gotta blog some of this up

Innocent Bystander says:
it is a mess
take the good bits
edit it up, but show your work
what's my name?

Megalomaniac says:
ummm
i dunno
you were an innocent bystander in this one
i was a megalomaniac

Innocent Bystander says:
There they are

Megalomaniac says:
OK i'm cleaning it up
this is gonna take some work

Innocent Bystander says:
yes, this blog is filthy

Eleven Things

2007-02-28T13:16:00.000-05:00

Steve Perry says:
they are playing "anyway you want it" by journey on the radio
i was alone
i never knew
what good love could do

Neil Schon says:
you love Journey

Steve Perry says:
then we touched
and we sang
about eleven things

Neil Schon says:
it always come back to Journey

Steve Perry says:
what are the eleven things?

Neil Schon says:
1) Tight pants
2) Big noses
3) 70's facial hair

Steve Perry says:
"all night" seems to be one
and "hold tight" seems to be another
then they give up

Neil Schon says:
4) never giving up
5) holding tight

Steve Perry says:
5) not fighting the feeling
6) wait

Neil Schon says:
6) touching

Steve Perry says:
7) that's REO 'wagon

Neil Schon says:
8) yah

Steve Perry says:
9) when the lights go down in the city

Neil Schon says:
10) Holding tight again

Steve Perry says:
10) being there in your cit-ay
WHAT IS THE ELEVENTH THING?

Neil Schon says:
10.5) The smell of wine and cheap perfume

Steve Perry says:
11) touching and going our separate ways

Neil Schon says:
there

Steve Perry says:
that's like, 23 things
instead of 11
i love it when we don't listen to each other

Sick Day

2007-02-26T14:39:00.000-05:00

The Great Blog of China

2007-02-21T10:57:00.000-05:00

Happy Belated New Year, China!

Ping Pong says:
been checking the site stats
beijing dropped by Feb. 16th

Chairman Mao says:
International!

Ping Pong says:
and then Hubei
Hubei China!!
we are HUGE in CHINA!

Chairman Mao says:
wowowow!

Ping Pong says:
and then just plain CHINA!!
no city
JUST CHINA!!

Chairman Mao says:
China loves us

Ping Pong says:
3 visits from 3 place in China

Chairman Mao says:
holy cow

Ping Pong says:
do you think they will give us the key to the Imperial City?

Chairman Mao says:
let's do something for special for China

Ping Pong says:
ok

Chairman Mao says:
Let's China-up the blog

Ping Pong says:
ok
i could post up some fried dumplings

Chairman Mao says:
ok
how about rice? I like rice. You can do a lot with rice

Ping Pong says:
GOOD idea
what else

Chairman Mao says:
dumplings...
rice...
that is a GOOD start

Ping Pong says:
we could put a wall around the blog

Chairman Mao says:
ohhh
brilliant

Ping Pong says:
and call it great

Chairman Mao says:
The GREAT BLOG OF CHINA

Ping Pong says:
YES!!
ok
so far we have
dumplings
rice
GREAT BLOG OF CHINA

Chairman Mao says:
it is the only blog visible from outer space

Ping Pong says:
ahahahaahh!!!

Stew The Cat

2007-02-16T16:26:00.000-05:00

* Note - Stew The Cat is Puss Master General's cat.

Octopussy
my avatar kinda looks like stew
stew the cat
not stew the meal

Puss Master General
yah, Stew on a diet
with less crazy hair

Octopussy
lol
i miss stew

Puss Master General
Stew is the Phil Spector of cats

Octopussy
stew used to bleat at me and stumble into me

Puss Master General
he does that to me
I like Stew a lot
he is bigger than Tay Tay

Octopussy
bleat bleat bleat
how many kitties you got, 3?

Puss Master General
yes 3
he is really into being in the closet right now

Octopussy
stew is afraid to show his true identity?

Puss Master General
yes
Stewie has to have closet access at all times
he yells and scratches at the door if he can't get in

Octopussy
can i be stewart's godmom?

Puss Master General
sure

Octopussy
can I send him 5 dollar bills in his high school graduation card?

Puss Master General
yes

Octopussy
can i give him a toaster at his wedding?

Puss Master General
yes

Octopussy
can i spit in a hankerchief and wipe dirt off his face?

Puss Master General
no
that's weird
I mean, it is when you do it to me